More to the story

I’ve been working from home these past few days so I’ve been able to sneak in a post here and there on my home computer. I am so thankful because just writing this down helps me to get out my anger.

When we came home with my girl on Tuesday, we talked about the whole fiasco. We tried to ask her questions that wouldn’t upset her or make her think that she is in trouble or anything like that.

She told us that the “special treat” after choir that Gollum said that my girl asked for (in her email) was actually something that Gollum promised her “to get me to go to choir.” I love that an eight year old realizes that her mother is trying to bribe her.

I told her that we just get confused because she says to us that she doesn’t want to go and then her mom sends us emails and tells us that she wants to go. I said, if you want to go, that is great and we support that but we just have to talk to each other and be honest about this. She then told us that “Mommy is probably lying to you.” We were silent. How do we answer that? We know it’s true but don’t want to get into a negative conversation about her “liar” mother.

My girl then started getting upset and saying that she was confused and my heart just broke for her. She doesn’t want to disappoint her mother but doesn’t want to keep doing this activity. At that point Big Papa asked her if she wanted HIM to call Gollum and discuss this with her. She readily agreed to that. I think she just doesn’t want to be the one to tell Gollum that she is fed up with all the activities.

Earlier in the conversation I told her that we agree with Gollum that you should start what you finish and not be a quitter but I acknowledged that usually it’s tough for anyone to start 4 new things and finish all of them. My girl jumped up and said “YEeees, that’s what I’ve been trying to tell her, it’s too much for me!” That sound you hear is my heart breaking, again.

Big Papa and I ended up getting into a heated discussion later on because I asked him when he was planning on calling Gollum and since she works nights, he said in the morning. I just worried about my girl getting out from school and thinking she wasn’t going and throwing a fit when she found out she had to go. It’s my (step)mom mentality where I worry about all aspects of the situation. I know you all understand that this can’t be helped! Big Papa doesn’t like it when I worry because OBVIOUSLY you can’t change anything with worry and he started to raise his voice at me. I immediately shut it down and told him he can’t talk like that, especially with my girl in the next room. She deals with enough of that at her mother’s house. And I remember being a little girl and listening to my dad yell at my mom and it’s a scary thing.

We both calmed down, I put my girl to bed, and we talked it out. We ended up being able to laugh about everything, joking how he was going to call up Gollum and say “Hello LIAR!” It made us laugh but then we realize it’s not so funny because this type of stuff will continue to happen. I just can only hope and pray that my girl continues to see through the murkiness of her mother’s manipulation.

Angry day

I have so much anger right now. It's stressing me out. I know it's not good for me or this little one when I am stressed.

I am angry because Gollum needed us to pick up my girl from the bus today (not a problem) but we first found out about this via a text last night at 10:30pm. I was already passed out or I would've answered her, and Big Papa doesn't usually check his phone after a certain time at night.

So we get the same text again at 7:45AM this morning. Big Papa texts back that yes, we will pick her up today. Ok, fine, not a problem. We had little issue with her pestering us because we understood that she needed an answer to be able to go into work this morning. Although I find it hard to believe that she JUST found out she needed to work so late last night. But moving on...

But in the next few hours, Big Papa gets a few more texts about certain details pertaining to giving her a snack after school, before we take her to CFF (extra curricular Catholic class). This was after Big Papa got a phone call from Gollum's mother and Gollum within five minutes of each other.

Gollum called to confirm that we would pick my girl up today. Did the text back not suffice? Gollum's mother called to ask Big Papa to bring my girl to choir practice tomorrow afternoon. We alternate choir duties so we only bring her every other week. Between snow days and sick days, Gollum and/or her mother have not brought my girl to choir practice since the end of December while we have the whole month of January.

The reason this is pissing me off is because my girl wants to quit choir and tells us this regularly. She had a meltdown and cried last week because she didn't want to go. We made her call Gollum and tell her this. We witnessed her crying on the phone and telling her mother that she didn't want to do choir any longer. She was allowed to "skip" that day. And told us that her mother was finally going to let her stop the choir activities. The next day we get an email with the following from Gollum:

"We talked more about choir (haha) and I think she will stick it out. She was laughing and smiling whenever I asked her what about it she doesn't like. She is fine going right from school and complains about going when she has all day to think about it. Oh, and she also wants a special treat after choir:) I just like for "my girl" to know the importance of finishing any activities she starts. So, as of now, we will see how it goes. Believe me, I would like to give it up also as I have to have someone to come in early so I can run out of work to get her there on the days I take her."

Yet again, my girl is telling us that she doesn't like it, can't handle it, and then has a "talk" with her mother and BOOM, she is going to stick it out.

This is why it angers me so much today. I agree with finishing the activities started and teaching kids the importance of that. But can you honestly sign an eight year old up for 4 activities, in addition to school, and expect her to finish all of them??

So on top of going against my girl's wishes to continue doing this activity, we are doing all the leg work for something that Gollum is sneakily enforcing. I am not a happy camper.

Big News

I’ve been a bad, bad blogger. I didn’t even realize I hadn’t written in 2 months until I grabbed this moment to catch you all up on the happenings of my life. I don’t blame my few but faithful followers if you don’t read this…I know I tend to give up on a blog if it’s been a while since the last post. I admit that it has been an overwhelming 2 months while I’ve been absent. Many big changes that are good but overwhelming nonetheless.

First and foremost of these new developments, I found out that I am expecting! I found out in early November and didn’t blog it at first because I was so petrified that something was going to happen. I can’t explain why I felt this way, but my fear was paralyzing. Thankfully, I am now 5 months along and everything is fine. We just found out that it’s a boy (!) this past week! I couldn’t even work after I got home from my appointment because I was so excited about this little man that we will welcome into the world in about 20 weeks.

Of course, there is so much excitement but the reality of the enormous responsibility is resting heavily on me these days. I finally sat down and made a list of all the things that need to happen before he is born and I know I am forgetting many things. I still need to register somewhere and get his room ready, FIND a NAME that a little boy will be proud of and try to pretend like everyone’s opinions about that name don’t matter.

In addition to this new little one, my company moved our office location about 20 miles from where it was located for the last few decades. Which means my office is now 50 miles from my house…does not make for a fun commute. Thankfully, I was granted a few work from homes days that are truly a blessing. Working in my pajamas for the better part of the day? Don’t mind if I do. That was a big help in those first trimester weeks where I could barely pry my eyes open most days.

To top off the big move, my company is now blocking blogger so I can’t even sneak a few minutes at lunch to post and comment. It’s so frustrating to me that they are most likely doing this because many people at the office think it’s fine to browse facebook during all hours at the office. I like checking out a good picture album as much as anybody else but you gotta save it for outside the office.

I’ll get into how my girl and Gollum reacted to the big baby news in a future post but for now, I just want to catch up with you all. I need to go and read all of your blogs, I have missed my fellow stepmoms!

The Talk

The talk went as best as it could. It literally lasted for 5 minutes as she rushed out of our driveway after dropping my girl off to us for the weekend. Big Poppa came in and quickly gave me the thumb’s up sign as we greeted my girl and asked about her day. Five minutes later, he gets a phone call. It’s Gollum. Big Papa is saying a lot of “ok, right, uh huh.” He hangs up and makes a face. We go into the kitchen to talk and he tells me that when they spoke outside, Gollum agreed that we could keep my girl until 6PM on our weekends but she already has plans this Sunday and she’ll be picking my girl up at the normal time. Big Papa then says she called to tell him that it was her idea for my girl to stay later with us.

She literally called and said, “yeah, this was my idea because I told my girl she could stay at your house for some extra time on Sundays.” At first, I thought that she was pushing this as “her idea” because she wanted us to think she was being generous. That is part of it, I think, but most of all, she wanted us to know that we are getting this “extra” time because GOLLUM says that it is what SHE wants, not us. It didn’t matter that my girl wanted more time with us or that we were missing time with her because of the activities that Gollum planned for us….we were getting the extra time on Sundays because Gollum thought of it. Controlled it, allowed it.

I had to laugh when I realized her motive there. I’m sure sub-consciously (or consciously) she was letting us know that everything is still under her control. Big Papa mentioned that she said something to that effect in the driveway about it being “her idea” and he found it almost laughable that she felt the need to call 5 minutes later and drill home the fact that she thought of it.

You remember that my girl had told me that because we have so little time with her on our Tuesday’s that Gollum told her that she would be allowed to stay up later at our house on those nights? At that same time, my girl had also informed me that Gollum told her that she would be a allowed to stay at our house A WHOLE EXTRA HOUR on our Sunday’s. In the weeks that followed that conversation, Gollum never mentioned to us, the co-parents, that my girl would be allowed to stay at our house for another hour. Makes me think that this was said to appease my girl in that moment since we never heard about it until Big Papa had this talk with Gollum.

All in all, I have to say that I am so thankful for our extra time with my girl. Since then, we have also gotten an email about another Sunday that Gollum needs to have my girl early. And so it begins. The pull for more time at her mother’s house, the most important house. I can hardly wait for the holidays, can you?

Phone Calls & other news

Big Papa decided to rock the boat. After receiving advice from my bloggy friend, DragonFly Mama, and with the encouragement from both my mom and my sister, he made the call to Gollum. This call was also made due to Big Papa’s conversation with my girl. They went fishing together and he was asking her about all her activities and how she liked them. She told him that she no longer liked the choir she had joined. Now this choir is a pretty big deal – she was recommended by her music teacher at school, she auditioned and was accepted. They do concerts galore around Christmas and the spring break and even do some traveling.

My girl told Big Papa that she just needed “a one day break.” When a seven year old talks like this, I think it’s important to listen. She told us both that she wanted to quit but “mommy told me once I start something I have to finish it.” Which I agree with to a point… I am all for finishing what you start but you don’t sign a kid up for 4 major activities in addition to school and maintain that motto when the kid is telling you she is overwhelmed.

So Big Papa called. He spoke with Gollum calmly and told her what my girl had told him. He mentioned to her how concerned we were that this could be taking a toll on her and though she does have a lot of energy, it doesn’t mean that every minute needs to be planned. He mentioned that my girl felt like she needed a day off and wasn’t particularly enjoying choir. She came back and said that she would talk to my girl to see how she felt. So basically the final say and decision is still up to Gollum. I can only hope that Big Papa’s call will help her realize the pressure she is putting on my girl with all of these activities. I am proud of him; proud that he stepped up and is acting as a voice for my girl.

In other related news….Big Papa and I have had a lot of discussions around asking Gollum for more time with my girl since she has scheduled our Tuesday nights and Saturdays away. We normally drop my girl off to Gollum at 12Noon on Sundays on our weekends. Big Papa and I have been discussing the possibility of asking Gollum if we can keep my girl until dinner time on Sunday’s. I don’t think this request is unreasonable as most people who share custody each get a “full” weekend which includes the full day on Sunday. Big Papa is adamant that he does not want this to go to court so here’s hoping that Gollum agrees to this extra time.

We don’t want to pull the court card and remind her that, legally, we do not have to take my girl to the activities that Gollum schedules on our time. Big Papa plans to speak to her today, in person, when she drops my girl off for our weekend. Wish us luck…..

Activities Galore

For the past 3 years, my girl has, like most kids her age, participated in 2 activities beyond the school day. She does gymnastics throughout the school year and has a break during the summer. Soccer is in the spring or fall. She has always loved gymnastics since she has one of her good friends in class with her. She’s not a huge fan of soccer and finally got through to Gollum this year with how much she disliked it. Big Papa played soccer in high school and enjoyed helping out the coaches on her team so I always wondered if Gollum chose soccer to appease him in some way. We never have any say or decision in the activities she does….we just come out and support my girl as much as we possibly can.

This year, for second grade, she has continued with her catholic after-school education (I’m not Catholic so I’m only slightly familiar with the terms…I believe the class is called CFF). That class is on Tuesday afternoons from 4:30 – 5:30. Since Tuesday is our night, I pick her up from the class on my way home from work.
My girl was already requesting more time with us because she didn’t get the whole afternoon to see us when she began this class in her first grade year. We were told by Gollum that she was taking this class on our night….not asked, told. Now Gollum has signed her up for swimming which is 3 nights a week practice plus Saturday’s for meets. She also signed her up for Choir which is Wednesday afternoons and a few Saturday’s in December and the Spring for concerts. Keep in mind that she also maintains gymnastics on Saturday mornings. I am tired just writing all that.

Swimming is Monday, Tuesday and Thursday night. So she literally is busy every single day of the week except Fridays. Oh, she has Sundays “off” too, can’t forget that. Normally she has to do choir and CFF homework on Sunday’s.

Big Papa and I are really concerned that this schedule is taking a toll on her. I know Tuesday nights take a bit of a toll on me already. The first night was awful. She wouldn’t go to bed because Gollum had told her that she could go to bed at 9:30. As nicely as we could, we reminded my girl that “Mommy doesn’t make the rules in our house and you are going to bed at 9.” Cue meltdown.

It’s gotten better but it is still tough because we want to spend time with her and not have to rush from place to place every time she’s with us. She and I get home at about 6:10 from work/CFF. We need to leave at 6:30 to get to swimming on time. Which leaves 20 minutes to get her fed, changed into her suit, gather up her towel and shampoo, etc and do 2 pages of homework with a stubborn 7 year old.

After swimming which is 7-8, I rush her into the showers and put on pajamas at the school. We get home about 8:40 and we give her 20 minutes to get a quick snack, brush her teeth, and play with the dogs. We don’t have time for anything else since her normal bedtime is 8 so 9 is pushing it. The only hope I have is that this swim season lasts until the end of January.

In the meantime, not only is it too much for her, we only have the time in the car to and from swimming to really spend with her so that makes our 2 weekends a month that much more packed. Gollum offered up one extra hour on our Sundays (we normally have her Fridays at 4:30 to Sundays at 12). Whoop-de-do. The weird thing was that Gollum told this to my girl and not us. From the sounds of it, she did this to appease my girl since she was sobbing when she found out swimming was Tuesdays nights and would give her even less time with us. And Gollum didn’t tell us this….her sister did. God forbid Gollum give up some of “her time” to make my girl happy.

Now Big Papa seems reluctant to fight for extra time every time we talk about it. My mom made a good point that Gollum cannot legally schedule any activities on our time and if she does, we don’t have to let my girl participate. Ugh, seems like an uphill battle any way you slice it. My fear is, if we don’t fight for more time with her and try to leave everything “civil and nice” with Gollum and let her walk all over us, that my girl will someday ask us why we didn’t fight to see her more. And we’ll have to tell her that it’s because of her overbearing, controlling mother. That and Big Papa’s fear of rocking the boat.

First Day of School

I realized, in my absence, how much I depend on my stepmom bloggy friends already. I have felt lost these past few weeks and it wasn’t a good feeling. As I mentioned in my previous post, the month of September just killed me with the start of school and all of my girl’s activities and just work in general for me. On top of all that, Big Papa and I decided that I would stop taking birth control and we would not actively try to get pregnant but see what happens….Yikes! Exciting and stressful and overwhelming all at the same time.

My girl’s first day of school is always a momentous occasion. We joke that she has the biggest fan club wherever she goes, whatever sport or activity she does because she has 3 sets of families - grandparents and aunts and uncles plus the parents. And everyone wants to be involved and capture all these exciting events on camera.
This first day of second grade we had the 2 biological grandmas, Big Papa and I, 2 dogs and Gollum to see her off on the bus. The bus stop is literally on the corner of Gollum’s property so we all gathered out front and chatted until the bus came. At one point Gollum went in and hauled Bilbo out to say hello to everyone. It was different than past years when he would’ve been outside from the beginning. Hmmm…..

The morning went smoothly and we took pictures galore and waved as she pulled away to start her adventure in second grade. I always shed a few tears on the first day…always hard for me to believe she is growing up so quickly.
At the end of the day I went to pick up my girl from the bus stop. Big Papa had to work but it was our night with her so I drove to Gollum’s house a few minutes early, thinking that one of the grandma’s would also be there. Surprise. It’s just ME and GOLLUM. FOR 10 MINUTES. While we wait for her bus. We each had a dog and her puppy was jumping on me because mine had somehow climbed onto my shoulder in terror of the situation.

My girl gets off the bus and is excited to see the 4 of us but then another girl got off with her. She had missed her stop. Gollum knew her mother so she called and offered to keep the girl at her house until the mother arrived. Gollum was headed to her job as a waitress so I offered to stay with the kids outside until the mother came.

But no such luck….

I waited in Gollum’s house, while holding my dog, for a good half hour until this other mom showed up. I don’t think I moved from my spot by the door in her living room. Meanwhile, her dog is scratching my legs trying to get to my dog. We both said something occasionally to each other but mostly talked to the kids.
FINALLY the other mom shows up and thanks Gollum up and down for staying with her kid. Horrors of all horrors, this mom comes in (I have met her at church on one occasion while I had my girl with me) and she can’t remember how she knows me so she says to Gollum,

“Who’s this? Is this your SISTER?”

My mouth literally fell open and I could not make words come out. Thankfully, Gollum stepped in and said, “This is my girl’s stepmom, Big Mama.” I would’ve thanked her but my mouth was still hanging wide open. Is it enough to say that we look nothing alike? I don't know what else to say besides that.

After we finally got to leave, I took my girl for some ice cream and a visit my in-laws. I was still traumatized from spending so much time in Gollumville but held it together to be excited for my girl on her first day of school.

Now let me say that I’m thankful we are civil enough with Gollum where we can share in the excitement of the actual first day of school. I know a lot of stepmoms and dads don’t get to do this. I’ll never forget my girl’s first day of kindergarten, her first year riding the bus - it was on a Wednesday and a morning where she should’ve been with us. Gollum pulled a fast one and said that she had asked us “a while ago” if my girl could have her first day of school at her house. I guess she felt bad after the fact because she invited us in for coffee and donuts that morning. Thanks but no thanks, sweetie.

Did anyone else experience a first day of school like this??