Crib Shopping – Part 2

Big Papa finally found someone in the baby store that told him there was no way they would have a bolt package for furniture from 8 years ago, that usually a set is discontinued after a year. They told him to go to the local hardware store, bring the crib piece and get them to match the bolts. So we left empty handed and both agreed that we wouldn’t be matching any bolts…

I cried the whole way home. Already emotional and dealing with this situation was too much for me. I knew Big Papa was irritated with me and I hate it when that happens. He asked me why I was crying over furniture and did I want a new set that bad? And I told him that if he wanted my honest feelings about it, YES, I wanted to get a new set and I didn’t want furniture that Gollum had picked out for her baby to be for my baby. He wasn’t upset with me about the furniture, he was upset with me for giving him an attitude because he didn’t think we were there to get a new crib and I snapped a little about that in the store. I don’t know what planet he was on when I had told him I wanted a new crib but he didn’t hear me and was irritated with me for being irritated with him. Such is marriage, no?

After resolving our differences and me apologizing for snapping, we got home and he went inside. I stayed in the truck and cried. I cried because, as a stepmom, I have had to accept a whole lot of things I never thought I would have to.

My fellow stepmoms…you all know this to be true. We have to allow so much and accept so many things that you never imagined you would have to in your marriage and for your family. That lovely comment, ”You knew he had a kid(s) when you married him” is so laughable to me because OF COURSE you knew, but how could any one of us anticipate what would be asked of us after making a commitment to our man and his kid?

At that moment, I felt that I had given up so much, accepted so much. I had accepted that these were the ways things were and that Gollum would never change. Of course the list goes on and on, but I felt that I was at my limit. I didn’t know until I was pregnant that I would feel this way and have to accept something so huge. I feel that I have to accept that although Big Papa is incredibly excited about the birth of this little baby boy and that the dynamic is much different (with us being married and had somewhat planned for this baby, and Gollum getting pregnant by accident a few months after they got back together so many years ago), this is not his first child.

This is not the first time he is experiencing the anticipation of being a parent and all that comes with it. This is all new to me, and it’s not to him. That makes me sad. Of course I wouldn’t change anything with my girl being in our lives because I love her so much, but I so wish Big Papa and I could have this first together.

This realization that was so important to me made me incredibly angry with Gollum because I feel that she took this moment from me. And I believe she knowingly took it from Big Papa. I’m not saying that she knew he would go on to have another kid with someone else but I believe, as Big Papa does and most of his family and friends, that Gollum got pregnant on purpose, trying to trap Big Papa into marriage. There, I said it. I’ve never said it “out loud.” Ultimately, that’s between her and God but, I’m sorry, birth control works great for 5 years then you break up for 10 months, get back together, and a few months later birth control mysteriously doesn’t work correctly? I’ve never gone into The History here on this blog but I think I will need to in a later post.

This woman, who dislikes me and my husband so strongly and doesn’t wish us any good thing in life, has made so many decisions that have affected our lives. She has made and continues to make decisions that have negatively affected our lives. Much of my life today is because of choices that she made. So when Big Papa asks me, do I want to keep the furniture? Do I want to keep a reminder of another one of Gollum’s decisions that I have to live with every day? No, I don’t. As you can see, it’s not about the furniture. Poor Big Papa didn’t understand that when I broke down crying but I was able to explain it to him through my tears. He comforted me and said “I understand…” because really, what else can he say? I told him that I needed him to know that this would probably not be the last time I broke down and cried over this during my pregnancy.

So he took down the convertible bed, told me he wanted to get new carpet in that room and he painted this past weekend. And yes, we are getting new furniture. Sometimes I feel like a brat for getting it but I just couldn’t keep the old set. The emotional side of me won over the practical side of me. We have had so much given to us from a friend who had a little boy last April, and we’ll be getting a set that can convert to a bed so little man can use this furniture well into his teen years.

I think another reason why I had so much trouble with this situation was because Gollum’s sister had dropped my girl off at our house a few nights before the crib shopping event. Her sister is very outgoing and we talk whenever I see her at activities and she is always nice to me. Of course I am guarded with what I say to her but that night she asked to see the baby’s room. I showed her the stuff we had and told her the theme I would have in the room, but obviously we had not painted yet and the room was not “set-up.”

She was asking so many questions and asked about the furniture and I reluctantly had to say we were keeping it (at that time, we were). It killed me that it would probably get back to Gollum that we were keeping it. I don’t know why that part bothered me so much but I just didn’t want to give her the satisfaction. And now I don’t have to. Thank GOD and thank you, Big Papa, with all my heart.

Crib shopping – Part 1

I was off work on President’s Day so Big Papa and I got to spend the day together. We decided to go to a movie and I asked him to come to the baby furniture store with me to “match” the color of the baby furniture we have to get a new crib.

Here is the background:

We have my girl’s baby furniture at our house. I might’ve mentioned before that Big Papa bought the house we live in, on his own, but then Gollum soon after became pregnant with my girl and moved in to his house. She only lived here a few months but since he was just moving in, she took it upon herself to pick out most of the paint colors, décor and furniture.

Don’t get me started – that, in and of itself, is another post, but I have worked for the last 7 years that I have lived here to get rid of everything she picked out and make this my home. It sucks that she had so much influence, only because he had just bought the house and she “happened” to need to move in at that time and was here for less than a year.

Anyway, back to the point, she picked out the baby furniture for my girl and it stayed at our house when she moved out because she moved into her mother’s house. Big Papa GENEROUSLY gave her over 2 thousand dollars to buy a new set. She eventually moved into a small condo and got all new furniture.

Now that I am expecting, the logical thing to do would be the keep the baby furniture we have, correct? It’s in pretty good shape, although 8 years old. I debated getting a whole new set but we just got new bedroom furniture for our room and I didn’t want to be a complete brat and demand new furniture all around. I sat down with my mom and asked her honest opinion of what I should. I respect her opinion greatly and she told me that I should keep the furniture, to be practical and save money for other things we would need for the baby.

That was a few months ago. I decided to keep the furniture but then realized that since we had converted the crib to the full size bed, we didn’t have the screws to put the crib back together. Big Papa said that we should call the baby furniture store and ask if they had a bolt package, and aside from the safety risks, I mentioned that I had no idea how to go about asking for a bolt pack for furniture that was manufactured eight years ago. I thought I had made it clear that I wanted a new crib, for safety reasons and for my own peace of mind. But just the crib, not the whole set…

So we ended up at the baby store and in the middle of carting around the side of a old crib around with us to match the wood to a new crib, Big Papa asked me if the only reason we were doing this was because we didn’t have the bolts. Um….what? Again, I thought I had made it clear that I wanted a new crib because we didn’t have the bolts. So I might’ve been a little incredulous when he asked me while we were in the store. And my response could’ve been interpreted as rather short or snippy, I’m sure. I said, “just ask someone if they have the bolts then!”

And I walked away to look at gliders. I held back my tears for a while but it comes down to this for me….it’s not about the furniture, it rarely is about the thing we appear to be upset over….if I didn’t have a stepdaughter and I didn’t already have baby furniture in my house, Big Papa and I would be shopping together to pick out our baby’s room, not just a crib to match what pieces we had.

More to the story

I’ve been working from home these past few days so I’ve been able to sneak in a post here and there on my home computer. I am so thankful because just writing this down helps me to get out my anger.

When we came home with my girl on Tuesday, we talked about the whole fiasco. We tried to ask her questions that wouldn’t upset her or make her think that she is in trouble or anything like that.

She told us that the “special treat” after choir that Gollum said that my girl asked for (in her email) was actually something that Gollum promised her “to get me to go to choir.” I love that an eight year old realizes that her mother is trying to bribe her.

I told her that we just get confused because she says to us that she doesn’t want to go and then her mom sends us emails and tells us that she wants to go. I said, if you want to go, that is great and we support that but we just have to talk to each other and be honest about this. She then told us that “Mommy is probably lying to you.” We were silent. How do we answer that? We know it’s true but don’t want to get into a negative conversation about her “liar” mother.

My girl then started getting upset and saying that she was confused and my heart just broke for her. She doesn’t want to disappoint her mother but doesn’t want to keep doing this activity. At that point Big Papa asked her if she wanted HIM to call Gollum and discuss this with her. She readily agreed to that. I think she just doesn’t want to be the one to tell Gollum that she is fed up with all the activities.

Earlier in the conversation I told her that we agree with Gollum that you should start what you finish and not be a quitter but I acknowledged that usually it’s tough for anyone to start 4 new things and finish all of them. My girl jumped up and said “YEeees, that’s what I’ve been trying to tell her, it’s too much for me!” That sound you hear is my heart breaking, again.

Big Papa and I ended up getting into a heated discussion later on because I asked him when he was planning on calling Gollum and since she works nights, he said in the morning. I just worried about my girl getting out from school and thinking she wasn’t going and throwing a fit when she found out she had to go. It’s my (step)mom mentality where I worry about all aspects of the situation. I know you all understand that this can’t be helped! Big Papa doesn’t like it when I worry because OBVIOUSLY you can’t change anything with worry and he started to raise his voice at me. I immediately shut it down and told him he can’t talk like that, especially with my girl in the next room. She deals with enough of that at her mother’s house. And I remember being a little girl and listening to my dad yell at my mom and it’s a scary thing.

We both calmed down, I put my girl to bed, and we talked it out. We ended up being able to laugh about everything, joking how he was going to call up Gollum and say “Hello LIAR!” It made us laugh but then we realize it’s not so funny because this type of stuff will continue to happen. I just can only hope and pray that my girl continues to see through the murkiness of her mother’s manipulation.

Angry day

I have so much anger right now. It's stressing me out. I know it's not good for me or this little one when I am stressed.

I am angry because Gollum needed us to pick up my girl from the bus today (not a problem) but we first found out about this via a text last night at 10:30pm. I was already passed out or I would've answered her, and Big Papa doesn't usually check his phone after a certain time at night.

So we get the same text again at 7:45AM this morning. Big Papa texts back that yes, we will pick her up today. Ok, fine, not a problem. We had little issue with her pestering us because we understood that she needed an answer to be able to go into work this morning. Although I find it hard to believe that she JUST found out she needed to work so late last night. But moving on...

But in the next few hours, Big Papa gets a few more texts about certain details pertaining to giving her a snack after school, before we take her to CFF (extra curricular Catholic class). This was after Big Papa got a phone call from Gollum's mother and Gollum within five minutes of each other.

Gollum called to confirm that we would pick my girl up today. Did the text back not suffice? Gollum's mother called to ask Big Papa to bring my girl to choir practice tomorrow afternoon. We alternate choir duties so we only bring her every other week. Between snow days and sick days, Gollum and/or her mother have not brought my girl to choir practice since the end of December while we have the whole month of January.

The reason this is pissing me off is because my girl wants to quit choir and tells us this regularly. She had a meltdown and cried last week because she didn't want to go. We made her call Gollum and tell her this. We witnessed her crying on the phone and telling her mother that she didn't want to do choir any longer. She was allowed to "skip" that day. And told us that her mother was finally going to let her stop the choir activities. The next day we get an email with the following from Gollum:

"We talked more about choir (haha) and I think she will stick it out. She was laughing and smiling whenever I asked her what about it she doesn't like. She is fine going right from school and complains about going when she has all day to think about it. Oh, and she also wants a special treat after choir:) I just like for "my girl" to know the importance of finishing any activities she starts. So, as of now, we will see how it goes. Believe me, I would like to give it up also as I have to have someone to come in early so I can run out of work to get her there on the days I take her."

Yet again, my girl is telling us that she doesn't like it, can't handle it, and then has a "talk" with her mother and BOOM, she is going to stick it out.

This is why it angers me so much today. I agree with finishing the activities started and teaching kids the importance of that. But can you honestly sign an eight year old up for 4 activities, in addition to school, and expect her to finish all of them??

So on top of going against my girl's wishes to continue doing this activity, we are doing all the leg work for something that Gollum is sneakily enforcing. I am not a happy camper.

The Talk

The talk went as best as it could. It literally lasted for 5 minutes as she rushed out of our driveway after dropping my girl off to us for the weekend. Big Poppa came in and quickly gave me the thumb’s up sign as we greeted my girl and asked about her day. Five minutes later, he gets a phone call. It’s Gollum. Big Papa is saying a lot of “ok, right, uh huh.” He hangs up and makes a face. We go into the kitchen to talk and he tells me that when they spoke outside, Gollum agreed that we could keep my girl until 6PM on our weekends but she already has plans this Sunday and she’ll be picking my girl up at the normal time. Big Papa then says she called to tell him that it was her idea for my girl to stay later with us.

She literally called and said, “yeah, this was my idea because I told my girl she could stay at your house for some extra time on Sundays.” At first, I thought that she was pushing this as “her idea” because she wanted us to think she was being generous. That is part of it, I think, but most of all, she wanted us to know that we are getting this “extra” time because GOLLUM says that it is what SHE wants, not us. It didn’t matter that my girl wanted more time with us or that we were missing time with her because of the activities that Gollum planned for us….we were getting the extra time on Sundays because Gollum thought of it. Controlled it, allowed it.

I had to laugh when I realized her motive there. I’m sure sub-consciously (or consciously) she was letting us know that everything is still under her control. Big Papa mentioned that she said something to that effect in the driveway about it being “her idea” and he found it almost laughable that she felt the need to call 5 minutes later and drill home the fact that she thought of it.

You remember that my girl had told me that because we have so little time with her on our Tuesday’s that Gollum told her that she would be allowed to stay up later at our house on those nights? At that same time, my girl had also informed me that Gollum told her that she would be a allowed to stay at our house A WHOLE EXTRA HOUR on our Sunday’s. In the weeks that followed that conversation, Gollum never mentioned to us, the co-parents, that my girl would be allowed to stay at our house for another hour. Makes me think that this was said to appease my girl in that moment since we never heard about it until Big Papa had this talk with Gollum.

All in all, I have to say that I am so thankful for our extra time with my girl. Since then, we have also gotten an email about another Sunday that Gollum needs to have my girl early. And so it begins. The pull for more time at her mother’s house, the most important house. I can hardly wait for the holidays, can you?

Phone Calls & other news

Big Papa decided to rock the boat. After receiving advice from my bloggy friend, DragonFly Mama, and with the encouragement from both my mom and my sister, he made the call to Gollum. This call was also made due to Big Papa’s conversation with my girl. They went fishing together and he was asking her about all her activities and how she liked them. She told him that she no longer liked the choir she had joined. Now this choir is a pretty big deal – she was recommended by her music teacher at school, she auditioned and was accepted. They do concerts galore around Christmas and the spring break and even do some traveling.

My girl told Big Papa that she just needed “a one day break.” When a seven year old talks like this, I think it’s important to listen. She told us both that she wanted to quit but “mommy told me once I start something I have to finish it.” Which I agree with to a point… I am all for finishing what you start but you don’t sign a kid up for 4 major activities in addition to school and maintain that motto when the kid is telling you she is overwhelmed.

So Big Papa called. He spoke with Gollum calmly and told her what my girl had told him. He mentioned to her how concerned we were that this could be taking a toll on her and though she does have a lot of energy, it doesn’t mean that every minute needs to be planned. He mentioned that my girl felt like she needed a day off and wasn’t particularly enjoying choir. She came back and said that she would talk to my girl to see how she felt. So basically the final say and decision is still up to Gollum. I can only hope that Big Papa’s call will help her realize the pressure she is putting on my girl with all of these activities. I am proud of him; proud that he stepped up and is acting as a voice for my girl.

In other related news….Big Papa and I have had a lot of discussions around asking Gollum for more time with my girl since she has scheduled our Tuesday nights and Saturdays away. We normally drop my girl off to Gollum at 12Noon on Sundays on our weekends. Big Papa and I have been discussing the possibility of asking Gollum if we can keep my girl until dinner time on Sunday’s. I don’t think this request is unreasonable as most people who share custody each get a “full” weekend which includes the full day on Sunday. Big Papa is adamant that he does not want this to go to court so here’s hoping that Gollum agrees to this extra time.

We don’t want to pull the court card and remind her that, legally, we do not have to take my girl to the activities that Gollum schedules on our time. Big Papa plans to speak to her today, in person, when she drops my girl off for our weekend. Wish us luck…..

Activities Galore

For the past 3 years, my girl has, like most kids her age, participated in 2 activities beyond the school day. She does gymnastics throughout the school year and has a break during the summer. Soccer is in the spring or fall. She has always loved gymnastics since she has one of her good friends in class with her. She’s not a huge fan of soccer and finally got through to Gollum this year with how much she disliked it. Big Papa played soccer in high school and enjoyed helping out the coaches on her team so I always wondered if Gollum chose soccer to appease him in some way. We never have any say or decision in the activities she does….we just come out and support my girl as much as we possibly can.

This year, for second grade, she has continued with her catholic after-school education (I’m not Catholic so I’m only slightly familiar with the terms…I believe the class is called CFF). That class is on Tuesday afternoons from 4:30 – 5:30. Since Tuesday is our night, I pick her up from the class on my way home from work.
My girl was already requesting more time with us because she didn’t get the whole afternoon to see us when she began this class in her first grade year. We were told by Gollum that she was taking this class on our night….not asked, told. Now Gollum has signed her up for swimming which is 3 nights a week practice plus Saturday’s for meets. She also signed her up for Choir which is Wednesday afternoons and a few Saturday’s in December and the Spring for concerts. Keep in mind that she also maintains gymnastics on Saturday mornings. I am tired just writing all that.

Swimming is Monday, Tuesday and Thursday night. So she literally is busy every single day of the week except Fridays. Oh, she has Sundays “off” too, can’t forget that. Normally she has to do choir and CFF homework on Sunday’s.

Big Papa and I are really concerned that this schedule is taking a toll on her. I know Tuesday nights take a bit of a toll on me already. The first night was awful. She wouldn’t go to bed because Gollum had told her that she could go to bed at 9:30. As nicely as we could, we reminded my girl that “Mommy doesn’t make the rules in our house and you are going to bed at 9.” Cue meltdown.

It’s gotten better but it is still tough because we want to spend time with her and not have to rush from place to place every time she’s with us. She and I get home at about 6:10 from work/CFF. We need to leave at 6:30 to get to swimming on time. Which leaves 20 minutes to get her fed, changed into her suit, gather up her towel and shampoo, etc and do 2 pages of homework with a stubborn 7 year old.

After swimming which is 7-8, I rush her into the showers and put on pajamas at the school. We get home about 8:40 and we give her 20 minutes to get a quick snack, brush her teeth, and play with the dogs. We don’t have time for anything else since her normal bedtime is 8 so 9 is pushing it. The only hope I have is that this swim season lasts until the end of January.

In the meantime, not only is it too much for her, we only have the time in the car to and from swimming to really spend with her so that makes our 2 weekends a month that much more packed. Gollum offered up one extra hour on our Sundays (we normally have her Fridays at 4:30 to Sundays at 12). Whoop-de-do. The weird thing was that Gollum told this to my girl and not us. From the sounds of it, she did this to appease my girl since she was sobbing when she found out swimming was Tuesdays nights and would give her even less time with us. And Gollum didn’t tell us this….her sister did. God forbid Gollum give up some of “her time” to make my girl happy.

Now Big Papa seems reluctant to fight for extra time every time we talk about it. My mom made a good point that Gollum cannot legally schedule any activities on our time and if she does, we don’t have to let my girl participate. Ugh, seems like an uphill battle any way you slice it. My fear is, if we don’t fight for more time with her and try to leave everything “civil and nice” with Gollum and let her walk all over us, that my girl will someday ask us why we didn’t fight to see her more. And we’ll have to tell her that it’s because of her overbearing, controlling mother. That and Big Papa’s fear of rocking the boat.

The term “Love Child” and other things that make me feel sick to my stomach

According to www.dictionary.com, a “love child” is defined as follows:

love child

— n
euphemistic an illegitimate child; bastard

My girl decided that Saturday night was a good a time as any to tell me that she was a “love child.” I was making applesauce and baby food in my kitchen with a good friend. We had spent the day talking and peeling and cutting and watching the kids swim. It was a great day until her 4 year old son had explosive diarrhea in my backyard and one of my dogs sniffed a little too close to it. I loved helping my friend, but I was at the end of my proverbial rope and needed a shower, a diet coke and my bed when my girl informs me of this “fact.”

I tried to conceal the stunned look on my face and told myself to breathe in and out. She started leaving the room and I gathered my wits and said:

“Wait a sec, where did you even hear that word”?

“Whatever. Forget it!”

“Oh no ya don’t, come here for a sec and tell me about what you were just saying.”

She said, in a small, small voice, ”but I don’t want to hurt your feelings.”

I told her that it wouldn’t hurt my feelings; that I just needed to know where she heard that word and why she thought it was applicable to her.

She had read it on the internet. Now I am really freaking out, thinking, what website was she ON at Gollum’s house?!?! But I calmly said to her, “well, we can talk more later but that’s not exactly what this situation is….” And I just sucked in my breath and bent down to put my arms around her and said, “my girl, both of your parents, ALL of your parents love you very much.

She said, ”I know but I don’t want you to be sad.” I said, “you being here could never make me sad. I can’t imagine my life without you and you are the biggest part of my life and I love you very much.”

With that, she smiled and went back to playing with her friends. I went back to cutting apples and had to take more than a few deep breaths. My friend, who grew up with 2 different stepmoms, thought that she thought I handled it well.

Later Big Papa told me he also heard what my girl had said to me. It was such a relief that he heard it, because usually my girl says such things to me when we are alone, just the two of us and when I relay it to Big Papa, he doesn’t want to believe it and sometimes suggests that I blow things out of proportion or assume to much about the things that she says.

I put my girl to bed and almost chickened out by not talking about it anymore. But I had promised earlier so I got up the courage and she said she didn’t want to talk about it because she didn’t want to break my heart. She said that so quietly and with so many pauses, I almost didn’t hear what she said.

I told her that she’s not breaking my heart because I love her very much and I know that Big Papa loves me more than anything and that he loves both of us very much. She admitted to me that Gollum had looked the word up on the internet, showed it to her and told her that she was a “love child.” It was almost a relief to hear that my girl wasn’t out surfing the internet and found this word and jumped to that conclusion herself.

But I was beyond livid that Gollum would say something like that to a SEVEN YEAR OLD. Let’s not skip over the fact that my girl was a complete and utter surprise to Big Papa. Of course, we can’t imagine our lives without her and love her to death and would never, ever say this to my girl but here’s the true story: Gollum’s birth control mysteriously didn’t work one day so this was not a love child situation where two parents create a child because they love each other sooo much and don’t care if they are married or not.

I know in my heart that this was how it was explained to my girl. Why else would she be so worried about hurting MY feelings? If it was explained to her as the definition above, that she is simply a child born out of wedlock, why was she so concerned about breaking my heart?

Big Papa literally did not know what hit him when he was told about Gollum’s pregnancy. I am told they were never happy together and broke up from week to week. All of Big Papa’s friends and family and Big Papa himself believe that this was pregnancy was planned by Gollum in a move to try to keep Big Papa and get him to marry her. I can’t say for certain; that’s between her and God.

When I went back in to shower and lay down and take deep breathes to calm my shaking hands, I explained to Big Papa what my girl had just told me. He is so incredibly pissed and hurt and beyond angry that he had planned to call Gollum this week to talk to her about this. His plan is to try to prevent her from saying these things to my girl and plans to tell her that she shouldn’t even tell my girl that he talked to Gollum about this topic. We are concerned that Gollum will go back to my girl and reprimand her for telling us and we don’t want to jeopardize my girl’s trust.

I don’t know if a phone call to Gollum will help anything. She is a liar (among other things) and probably won’t admit to explaining this euphemism to my girl and putting her in that category. It’s just so incredibly frustrating because I believe that these types of things are being said and done to underhandedly hurt Big Papa and I (much, much more on this topic in future posts). But she (unintentionally?) hurts my girl in the process. I want to protect her from these crazy rants and lies but don’t know how and I just feel so helpless….

Laughter

Big Papa makes me laugh continuously and I am so thankful for him. I/We need to be able to laugh at life and the twists and turns it brings. My mom always tells me, "Choose to be happy. Every day you need to make a conscious decision to be happy in life." My late grandma, an amazingly insightful woman, always told me to "be happy and healthy." I hold this advice closely to my heart and try to remember these words of wisdom in the tough times especially.

It's easy for me to get sucked into the vortex that is largely composed of the negative aspects of our blended family/ex-girlfriend/crazy mother-in-law situation. Big Papa often helps me to put things into perspective and makes me laugh along the way. Here is a conversation we had this weekend while eating dinner in our living room, on our coffee table. Big Papa noticed I had a stack of books on the table that I am currently reading; some for fun, others for blended family advice.

Big Papa: What's that one book called? Joint Custody with a Jerk? WHAT? So now you think I'm a Jerk??

Big Mama: Whaaaa? I don't have joint custody with you, you big dope. WE have joint custody with Gollum who, we've already established, is a big jerk.

Big Papa: OH. Right. Makes sense.

And then he proceeds to smirk throughout the rest of our meal. I don't know what was funnier to him - the fact that I am reading a book with a name like that or that he thought I was reading it because I thought he was a jerk!

Good times...good times....

A Letter to Big Papa

I want to preface this by saying that I love you very much. More than anyone. I need you to hear me out on this one. I need you to know that you’re letting her affect our relationship by not sticking up for me and stopping this ridiculousness. You should know by now that she nitpicks on any little thing that I do or say. Last night you were spouting off to me what I know she just said to you (about the prescription being someone else’s blah blah blah) and it really pissed me off and hurt me that you didn’t give me the benefit of the doubt. Like I said, I wouldn’t give someone else my prescription and told my girl she needed something like that from her allergy/asthma doctor. It’s funny how she forgets a little incident a few years ago when Gollum gave my girl someone else’s prescription and we have written documentation saying so. And to top it off, she was using someone else’s prescription ON HER SKIN. Remember that? Think about that before you tell me “it’s a problem if you did that” because of what she put in your head.

The reason you have this idea in your head that I get upset whenever you tell me something about her or when you tell me when she calls or whatever is because most of the time when she calls it is something negative toward me. You don’t understand why I get upset because it’s not quite directed at you. You think I make stuff up in my head – you need to remember that she would be a whole lot happier if I was gone and remember that when dealing with her and looking at the stuff she says and does. I get upset because the negative stuff is directed at me, through you and you don’t see it. You think everything is fine and “I’m just telling you what she told me” like you have nothing to do with it and you’re her little messenger boy. It’s like you don’t care how much it upsets me and hurts me. And on top of it all, it feels like you reward her bad behavior by taking her calls at 10PM when you had just 40min earlier asked me if it was too late to call someone. Hmmm. 10PM IS too late to call but not if you’re good old Gollum with a vendetta!
Also, at Easter, (details to come….)one of the problems I had with the whole conversation was that she completely pulled the rug out from under us and changed the plan and I heard you say thank you like 3 times and “awesome, great, thanks!” Really, I have no problem with you thanking her for giving us time with my girl but the problem I have and why I got upset was that she changed it all around (as she usually does when the original plan doesn’t suit her at that exact moment) and you are sitting there acting like it is fine and AWESOME that she did that. I just have a hard time processing that you can still act like she was doing something that was OK. The reason it wasn’t ok was because my girl was affected by it – she thought we weren’t there for her because of what Gollum chose to do.

I feel like I am fighting for my life here and fighting for my spot in this family. I feel like you don’t understand (which I have told you that I realize that you can’t understand my position as a stepmom) but even more so I feel like you don’t even care to understand where I am coming from. We have a great relationship but if you keep allowing her to dictate what happens in our home with my girl, these little squabbles here and there will turn into something bigger and counseling will be needed. I realize that your hands are tied and you don’t want to damage the relationship with Gollum for my girl’s sake. I get that. Know that I understand that completely. However, there is something great about BOUNDARIES and remembering the person who always has your back and wouldn’t let anyone treat you the way she is treating me. Right, “what do you want me to do??” is always your response. Read above – I don’t need a crusade on my behalf, I just want you to sit back and realize that you need to approach this differently because the current way isn’t working. You need to be able to tell me when she calls and what she says in regards to my girl and issues and whatever but I can’t just have you drop it on my lap like you do and expect me not to get upset when it negatively affects me or you or my girl. We need to work on a different approach together because I am at the end here – I can’t operate this way for much longer. Seven years is a long time to be dumped on and beat up and treated like less than a human being and less than an active participant in my girl’s life. I’ll try to equate this to a situation that, hopefully, you can understand. If you had to deal with your former friends, Tweedle-dee and Tweedle-dum every day of your life for the next 20 years, it would make you upset too. What if both of these losers called me or did something through me at least once a week to try and undermine you, your credibility and our relationship? I know for a fact that you would have a problem with it. Because they aren’t good people either and when they have done stupid stuff and said mean things about you - I have heard about it. And that is fine and natural to vent about someone that has wronged you. Just don’t get mad at me when I do it. I truly don’t mean to take it out on you but sometimes I do get mad at you for allowing the crap that she pulls so I do take it out on you. Because you don’t see the problem and that SUCKS for me.

I just want you to have my back when it comes to this. I hope that is not too much to ask. Like I said, I'm suggesting counseling for us if something doesn't drastically change here. I don't know how else to make you hear me and understand. It’s really not that hard - don't doubt me, have my back, don't take all her calls (especially late ones like last night), remember that she is a demented, insecure and evil creature that will stop at nothing to try to destroy our family. Don’t underestimate her. You forget how deeply she hurt you and how viciously she is trying to do the same to us.