Belated Update

Big Papa ended up speaking to Gollum’s mother on Wednesday morning (the day we were to take my girl to choir). She called to tell him that Gollum’s car had been broken into so she could pick up my girl from choir if he dropped her off.

Big Papa agreed to this and mentioned to the mother that my girl has been saying, for a while, that she doesn’t want to do choir any longer. Her response? “OH I know.”

He also brought up the fact that my girl is telling us one thing and Gollum is telling us another. She AGREED. She told Big Papa that she would speak to Gollum about it. I doubt she will change her mind but it’s a good thing that Gollum will be approached on this by someone close to her, someone other than me or Big Papa.

We both doubted that anything would come of the conversation and we were right. Gollum’s mother stopped by with the choir books and simply said, “I talked to her, and she (Gollum) wants her to go. So they went. But I know this is not the last time we will have that discussion. And that thought tires me.

Big Papa and I agreed that we would do our best to stand up for my girl BEFORE any of the activities are paid for in the beginning of the next school year. We both feel like we were blindsided in all of this and after seeing what the affect has been on my girl, we’ll have more “ammo” to put a stop to it before it starts. I also can’t imagine carting a six month old around to all the events we had this past fall/winter.

Angry day

I have so much anger right now. It's stressing me out. I know it's not good for me or this little one when I am stressed.

I am angry because Gollum needed us to pick up my girl from the bus today (not a problem) but we first found out about this via a text last night at 10:30pm. I was already passed out or I would've answered her, and Big Papa doesn't usually check his phone after a certain time at night.

So we get the same text again at 7:45AM this morning. Big Papa texts back that yes, we will pick her up today. Ok, fine, not a problem. We had little issue with her pestering us because we understood that she needed an answer to be able to go into work this morning. Although I find it hard to believe that she JUST found out she needed to work so late last night. But moving on...

But in the next few hours, Big Papa gets a few more texts about certain details pertaining to giving her a snack after school, before we take her to CFF (extra curricular Catholic class). This was after Big Papa got a phone call from Gollum's mother and Gollum within five minutes of each other.

Gollum called to confirm that we would pick my girl up today. Did the text back not suffice? Gollum's mother called to ask Big Papa to bring my girl to choir practice tomorrow afternoon. We alternate choir duties so we only bring her every other week. Between snow days and sick days, Gollum and/or her mother have not brought my girl to choir practice since the end of December while we have the whole month of January.

The reason this is pissing me off is because my girl wants to quit choir and tells us this regularly. She had a meltdown and cried last week because she didn't want to go. We made her call Gollum and tell her this. We witnessed her crying on the phone and telling her mother that she didn't want to do choir any longer. She was allowed to "skip" that day. And told us that her mother was finally going to let her stop the choir activities. The next day we get an email with the following from Gollum:

"We talked more about choir (haha) and I think she will stick it out. She was laughing and smiling whenever I asked her what about it she doesn't like. She is fine going right from school and complains about going when she has all day to think about it. Oh, and she also wants a special treat after choir:) I just like for "my girl" to know the importance of finishing any activities she starts. So, as of now, we will see how it goes. Believe me, I would like to give it up also as I have to have someone to come in early so I can run out of work to get her there on the days I take her."

Yet again, my girl is telling us that she doesn't like it, can't handle it, and then has a "talk" with her mother and BOOM, she is going to stick it out.

This is why it angers me so much today. I agree with finishing the activities started and teaching kids the importance of that. But can you honestly sign an eight year old up for 4 activities, in addition to school, and expect her to finish all of them??

So on top of going against my girl's wishes to continue doing this activity, we are doing all the leg work for something that Gollum is sneakily enforcing. I am not a happy camper.

The Talk

The talk went as best as it could. It literally lasted for 5 minutes as she rushed out of our driveway after dropping my girl off to us for the weekend. Big Poppa came in and quickly gave me the thumb’s up sign as we greeted my girl and asked about her day. Five minutes later, he gets a phone call. It’s Gollum. Big Papa is saying a lot of “ok, right, uh huh.” He hangs up and makes a face. We go into the kitchen to talk and he tells me that when they spoke outside, Gollum agreed that we could keep my girl until 6PM on our weekends but she already has plans this Sunday and she’ll be picking my girl up at the normal time. Big Papa then says she called to tell him that it was her idea for my girl to stay later with us.

She literally called and said, “yeah, this was my idea because I told my girl she could stay at your house for some extra time on Sundays.” At first, I thought that she was pushing this as “her idea” because she wanted us to think she was being generous. That is part of it, I think, but most of all, she wanted us to know that we are getting this “extra” time because GOLLUM says that it is what SHE wants, not us. It didn’t matter that my girl wanted more time with us or that we were missing time with her because of the activities that Gollum planned for us….we were getting the extra time on Sundays because Gollum thought of it. Controlled it, allowed it.

I had to laugh when I realized her motive there. I’m sure sub-consciously (or consciously) she was letting us know that everything is still under her control. Big Papa mentioned that she said something to that effect in the driveway about it being “her idea” and he found it almost laughable that she felt the need to call 5 minutes later and drill home the fact that she thought of it.

You remember that my girl had told me that because we have so little time with her on our Tuesday’s that Gollum told her that she would be allowed to stay up later at our house on those nights? At that same time, my girl had also informed me that Gollum told her that she would be a allowed to stay at our house A WHOLE EXTRA HOUR on our Sunday’s. In the weeks that followed that conversation, Gollum never mentioned to us, the co-parents, that my girl would be allowed to stay at our house for another hour. Makes me think that this was said to appease my girl in that moment since we never heard about it until Big Papa had this talk with Gollum.

All in all, I have to say that I am so thankful for our extra time with my girl. Since then, we have also gotten an email about another Sunday that Gollum needs to have my girl early. And so it begins. The pull for more time at her mother’s house, the most important house. I can hardly wait for the holidays, can you?

Activities Galore

For the past 3 years, my girl has, like most kids her age, participated in 2 activities beyond the school day. She does gymnastics throughout the school year and has a break during the summer. Soccer is in the spring or fall. She has always loved gymnastics since she has one of her good friends in class with her. She’s not a huge fan of soccer and finally got through to Gollum this year with how much she disliked it. Big Papa played soccer in high school and enjoyed helping out the coaches on her team so I always wondered if Gollum chose soccer to appease him in some way. We never have any say or decision in the activities she does….we just come out and support my girl as much as we possibly can.

This year, for second grade, she has continued with her catholic after-school education (I’m not Catholic so I’m only slightly familiar with the terms…I believe the class is called CFF). That class is on Tuesday afternoons from 4:30 – 5:30. Since Tuesday is our night, I pick her up from the class on my way home from work.
My girl was already requesting more time with us because she didn’t get the whole afternoon to see us when she began this class in her first grade year. We were told by Gollum that she was taking this class on our night….not asked, told. Now Gollum has signed her up for swimming which is 3 nights a week practice plus Saturday’s for meets. She also signed her up for Choir which is Wednesday afternoons and a few Saturday’s in December and the Spring for concerts. Keep in mind that she also maintains gymnastics on Saturday mornings. I am tired just writing all that.

Swimming is Monday, Tuesday and Thursday night. So she literally is busy every single day of the week except Fridays. Oh, she has Sundays “off” too, can’t forget that. Normally she has to do choir and CFF homework on Sunday’s.

Big Papa and I are really concerned that this schedule is taking a toll on her. I know Tuesday nights take a bit of a toll on me already. The first night was awful. She wouldn’t go to bed because Gollum had told her that she could go to bed at 9:30. As nicely as we could, we reminded my girl that “Mommy doesn’t make the rules in our house and you are going to bed at 9.” Cue meltdown.

It’s gotten better but it is still tough because we want to spend time with her and not have to rush from place to place every time she’s with us. She and I get home at about 6:10 from work/CFF. We need to leave at 6:30 to get to swimming on time. Which leaves 20 minutes to get her fed, changed into her suit, gather up her towel and shampoo, etc and do 2 pages of homework with a stubborn 7 year old.

After swimming which is 7-8, I rush her into the showers and put on pajamas at the school. We get home about 8:40 and we give her 20 minutes to get a quick snack, brush her teeth, and play with the dogs. We don’t have time for anything else since her normal bedtime is 8 so 9 is pushing it. The only hope I have is that this swim season lasts until the end of January.

In the meantime, not only is it too much for her, we only have the time in the car to and from swimming to really spend with her so that makes our 2 weekends a month that much more packed. Gollum offered up one extra hour on our Sundays (we normally have her Fridays at 4:30 to Sundays at 12). Whoop-de-do. The weird thing was that Gollum told this to my girl and not us. From the sounds of it, she did this to appease my girl since she was sobbing when she found out swimming was Tuesdays nights and would give her even less time with us. And Gollum didn’t tell us this….her sister did. God forbid Gollum give up some of “her time” to make my girl happy.

Now Big Papa seems reluctant to fight for extra time every time we talk about it. My mom made a good point that Gollum cannot legally schedule any activities on our time and if she does, we don’t have to let my girl participate. Ugh, seems like an uphill battle any way you slice it. My fear is, if we don’t fight for more time with her and try to leave everything “civil and nice” with Gollum and let her walk all over us, that my girl will someday ask us why we didn’t fight to see her more. And we’ll have to tell her that it’s because of her overbearing, controlling mother. That and Big Papa’s fear of rocking the boat.

The Tooth Fairy

I’m sure most kids believe in the tooth fairy until they are about 11 or 12, right? I think I believed it for all of 5 years and then asked my mom and she told me the truth. Thanks Mom. I’m sure I was freaked out thinking of some unknown fairy lady coming into my room in the middle of the night.

My girl lost a tooth this past Friday. She has lost about 6 already; all very exciting events. She has only lost one tooth at our house and I was so excited when she did so we could play tooth fairy and we got to see the excitement on her little face. It was the coolest thing and one of the fun parenting moments.

My girl gets dropped off by Gollum at our house on Friday and shows me a ziploc baggie with her tooth. She was happy about it but Gollum explained the dentist said this tooth was not supposed to come out just yet because of her age. Usually, this particular tooth comes out when a child is 9 or 10. Gollum mentioned laughingly that my girl thought the tooth fairy would bring $10 because of the size of the tooth and the fact that it shouldn’t have come out yet.

But then she said that maybe the tooth fairy will bring $5 because $10 seemed like a lot. Big Papa, having got done work early that day, had been napping on the couch when they arrived. My girl climbed up into his lap on the couch after saying hello to me. Big Papa made no effort whatsoever to speak with Gollum or acknowledge her in any way. Usually he will say hello but I guess he didn’t feel the need since I was there?? I jokingly mentioned it and he smirked, and chalked it up to being tired.

As she was saying goodbye to my girl and leaving, Gollum said to her, “make sure you call me tomorrow and tell me how you did with the tooth fairy!” Cue discreet eye roll from Big Papa to Big Mama.

For some reason we decided to give my girl $10 for that darn tooth. We both forgot as we drifted off to sleep and then I woke with a start and said “tooth fairy!” Big Papa groaned and asked me to get up to put the money under her pillow. We were cracking up thinking of what horrible parents we would be if we had indeed fallen asleep and forgotten to put the money under her pillow! I think we were both so tired and delusional that we thought $10 would be a good idea. In hindsight, no kid should ever get $10 for a tooth! I mean, I think I used to get $1 and that was a HUGE deal! Hopefully we can back track a little but we are on a slippery slope here.

My girl was excited to see the $10 but paraded around saying, “I told you. I told you she would bring $10!” which, by the way, totally made us both regret even more that we gave her the $10. We then went about our day. We had a lot planned with brunch with my family for my dad’s birthday and a shopping trip with my sisters for some fall wardrobe items for my girl.

I thought about being proactive and suggesting that my girl call Gollum about the tooth fairy visit. Honestly, as we went about our morning and early afternoon, I had forgotten about the demand. As I have mentioned in an earlier post, Gollum frequently asks my girl to call her and my girl usually doesn’t because she is just a kid and doesn’t remember such things.

Ten minutes into our shopping trip, I got a call from Big Papa. He tells me that Gollum had texted his phone asking that my girl call her to let her know how she did with the tooth fairy. He knew I was annoyed but we didn’t discuss it since my girl was with me.

After we left the first store, about a half hour later, I had her call Gollum. She tells Gollum how much money the tooth fairy brought and talked about it for a minute. Then Gollum proceeds to tell her that she was going to the beach that day and that Bilbo (Golllum’s boyfriend) and his son would possibly be there with the rest of her family. I could only tell this by my girl’s responses. My girl became a little whiny at this point saying “no fair! Everyone else is going!?” Gollum then said something to the effect that we should take her swimming in our pool. We were out shopping the whole day so that wouldn’t be happening.

All in all, the phone call was about 5 minutes long and left me pissed off. Apparently my girl didn’t think about it anymore because we had a great day shopping with my sisters and visiting family.

I spoke to Big Papa about it later and explained my point of view. I was annoyed that Gollum had, once again, inserted herself into my girl’s life with us, our time with her. I get that she wants to be a part of my girl’s life but the tooth fairy tale can wait until Sunday when she would see her next. I just feel like we have such limited time with my girl as it is, and Gollum tries to impose on that time whenever she can grasp on to an excuse to do so.

And on top of her shoving herself into our family life and limited time together, she is making sure my girl knows what she is missing in the other house. I know it happens a lot with birthmother’s and their jealousy but I am so angry that she would do this, especially when we are doing her a favor by having my girl call her. It’s just so immature and shows how insecure she is. How do we put a stop to this without jeopardizing the civil and polite relationship we have with Gollum now? I know I was hurt by this but my girl, though she didn’t say anything to me directly, was certainly hurt.

It truly amazes me what lows these birthmoms will stoop to; it amazes me how they don’t stop and think how much they are hurting their own child in the process.

Messing with her Childhood

I am writing this post based on a conversation I recently had with my girl and some of the things that I have been told by other adults in the past few months. I know I should probably write about my and Big Papa’s history first but that story is many posts long and this is on my mind now. I need to ask opinions and advice from my fellow stepmamas.

Gollum was/(is?) engaged to Bilbo. They got engaged 6 months after Big Papa proposed to me. They bought a house together about 2 months after the became engaged.

Gollum no longer wears her engagement ring and hasn’t for a few months now.
Bilbo has an eleven year old son, who stays at their house every other weekend and for a few weeks in the summer.

Gollum’s would-be in-laws live across the street from us. This, as I am told by Bilbo, is how Bilbo and Gollum became “close.” Gollum lived with Big Papa for a few months while she was pregnant and first had my girl. Bilbo was recently divorced and living with his parents. Bilbo told me himself that he noticed she was living across the street and he pursued her while she was living with Big Papa and had just had a child with him. To this day, my father-in-law will not forgive Gollum for taking my girl out of his arms and giving her to Bilbo, whom Gollum described as “a friend.” My FIL was so hurt because she flirted with Bilbo, in front of both families, while denying any kind of romantic relationship with him.

The cheating is not proven fact but it seems to be a common thought among Big Papa, his family and his friends. I cannot say for certain if Gollum was cheating on Big Papa, whether physically or emotionally or both. Big Papa was done with Gollum long before this but was trying to make it work, for my girl’s sake. He sensed that Gollum had developed a relationship with Bilbo and told her, in one of their many fights, that she should move out of his house (her name was never on the mortgage or deed and she never paid any bills in the house) if she wanted a relationship with Bilbo. She denied this relationship but moved out with her belongings a few days later.

They have been together since. And I don’t think happily. Last fall, Gollum was at my in-laws house for Halloween and had brought over my girl so we could see her costume. She seemed extra standoffish that day and I thought her eyes were red from crying but couldn’t be sure. My MIL later told me that Gollum was crying at her house saying, “Bilbo is a jerk.” My in-laws took pity on her and listened to her problems and throughout the conversation my MIL kept trying to interject that my girl should go to another room while they discussed the topic of Gollum and Bilbo’s relationship. Gollum told her no, that my girl knew “all about it.” My girl was 6½ at this time. This concerned all of us but we didn’t know quite what to do about it at that point.

Fast forward to last week. My girl and I are driving home from a friend’s house and she is telling me how she is not sure if Gollum and Bilbo are getting married still. Keep in mind that she brought up this topic on her own. I would never ask because I don’t want my girl to feel uncomfortable or feel like I am giving her the third degree like Gollum so often does.

My girl brings up that Bilbo’s son is mean to her and is super clean. Oddly, my girlfriend, who knows Gollum just as an acquaintance, had just mentioned to me earlier that day that Bilbo was a clean freak and Gollum is more “laid back” about cleanliness around their house and that this obsession had led to a few of their break-ups or fights. Apparently Bilbo’s son is also a clean freak and doesn’t let my girl in his room. He locks it when he is not in there. My girl tells me she got a spot of cheese on a game one time and he refused to continue playing.

She has repeatedly told me that Gollum and Bilbo fight a lot. When she was younger she told me, “I just wish they would stop all the racket. It’s too loud. Mommy yells at Bilbo but he speaks in a soft voice.” On this particular occasion, she slipped and said, “we fight a lot. I mean, mom fights a lot with Bilbo.” I have noticed she does this often; identifying ‘we’ as her and her mother only and saying a shirt or piece of clothing is “mom’s”, not from mom’s house.

Anyway, she proceeded to tell me was that Gollum was planning on breaking up with Bilbo and that they would live with Gollum’s mother until they (Gollum and my girl) could find a house they could afford. The saddest thing and most disturbing thing said was that Gollum was breaking up with Bilbo because Bilbo’s son is mean to my girl.

The fact that any mother would let her daughter believe that she is the direct or indirect reason for her break-up from her fiancé/boyfriend, when they clearly have issues with each other and their relationship, is astounding to me. I realized that Gollum is trying to create this co-dependent relationship between her and my girl where they only have each other to depend on and they discuss things (major life changes) that Gollum hasn’t even discussed with her significant other.

I don’t know if this is being done consciously or not. I think that Gollum wants my girl to feel like she can’t leave her mother because she’s all that she has or because Gollum needs her for emotional support. Gollum is almost trying to be a girlfriend to my girl. I don’t get it. It really has shaken me to my core that someone would do such a thing to a child. My girl, of course, doesn’t realize what is happening but how much pain will this cause her when she is older? Will it cause her any? I can only go off of my own personal feelings of how I would feel, if in the same situation. I can’t imagine the pain and guilt of being made to believe that she was the reason behind her mother’s break-up. The poor kid has already been made to be more mature than most kids her age, due to the blended family situation where she is shuttled back and forth between two sets of parents homes and 2 sets of grandparents homes on a regular basis.

Maybe Gollum wants my girl to believe that she sacrificed sooo much for her. I’m sure she has sacrificed many things, as all parents do. But I think that this is crossing the line. Am I the only one who sees it like this?

Vacation?

What a week it was. Between the air conditioning breaking, the tired meltdowns, my father’s appearance at the house and a threadbare, buggy mattress, it was quite the week. I honestly can say that I needed a vacation from my vacation. And this past week did not provide that whatsoever. After finally getting caught up on laundry a week later, I am still dealing with issues at my job which happened will I was out. Needless to say, I am one stressed out stepmomma!

I have so much to write about that I honestly don’t know where to begin. If this post is a little all over the place, I apologize! The vacation had some good points. We did have the beach to relax on, I was able to read a few chapters of my book, and we had the luxury and privilege of being able to sleep in a bit and not go to work every day. The vacation was with my immediate family – my mother, father, 4 siblings, in addition to me, Big Papa, my girl. It’s nice to go away with my family because my girl loves them to pieces and has so much fun with all her aunts, uncles and grandparents that it also provides Big Papa and I with some extra time to relax that we wouldn’t have gotten if we went away with just the three of us. I am so thankful for my family.

With that being said, I do have a rocky relationship with my dad and so does every single person in my family. It was tough to have him there but it would have been tougher to tell him that we did not want him there. It was so hard to have to deal with him and watch my mom deal with him. All the while, we were already dealing with (3 different) maintenance people for the HVAC system in the home we rented, along with the cleaning people showing up on our doorstep at 10:30PM to argue with us because we called the home owner when I found a dead bug in the corner of my mattress. Sadly, my sister couldn’t handle it all and left with my brother (who had planned to leave because of work) halfway through the week.

It just seemed as though not many things went right that week. But as I said, we were still able to find some positive aspects and I know my girl thoroughly enjoyed herself. I had her call Gollum three times while we were there. Saturday, the day we arrived, as Gollum specifically requested that my girl call her, to let her know that she got there safely. I later found out that Gollum, on that first phone call, requested that my girl call a few other members of her family to let them know that we had gotten there safely. My girl never called and never told me that she was asked to call them so it ended up being a non-issue. It still strikes me as odd that this request was made when Gollum could’ve done the calling herself.

Here’s another ingredient to add to the mix: Big Papa’s business is big in the summer. It’s when most of our money is made to carry us through the entire year. We used to take my girl on vacation in late September so we could spend the entire week together. When Gollum told us what week we should go on vacation the year my girl started kindergarten, we had to put an end to our September trip. We did not take the week Gollum specified we should and didn’t get to take a vacation week at all that year.

Last year, before my girl started first grade, we did a week with my family as we did this year. It worked out well with one catch. Big Papa could only stay half the week. He is the owner of his business and didn’t have anyone else he could rely on to keep the business running smoothly for the whole week. So my girl stayed with me and my family.

When we made this plan last year and again for this year, it wasn’t even a second though for us that my girl would stay and get to have a full week’s vacation. Another stepmom friend of mine thought I was crazy to “put up” with this arrangement and for caring for my girl without Big Papa nearby. I’m absolutely certain that Gollum HATED this arrangement but didn’t want to seem like the bad guy yet again by making a big stink about it.

Last year it happened last minute that Big Papa had to leave and didn’t feel it was necessary to notify Gollum that he was leaving. Some of you stepmoms out there might think that this was a bad idea not to notify her. I felt that we should let her know in some way, but Big Papa has a more laid back attitude and just wanted my girl to have a good time and didn’t want to cut her week of vacation short. He didn’t see a problem with my girl staying with me and my family because we are so close knit that we are HER family and there’s no distinction made there at all. I feel like I am trying to explain the course of action we took last year, of lack thereof, because looking back, perhaps we should’ve notified Gollum. We didn’t feel the need to then so I don’t know why I feel the need to explain myself now. Of course, Gollum found a way to let us all know that she knew that he wasn’t there for half the week but I was thankful that she let it be at that.

This year I did insist that, in the email where we notified Gollum of our vacation week with my girl, we let her know that Big Papa would be there for half the week. I felt better about this approach and this is why I had my girl call Gollum this week so Gollum wouldn’t go through calling Big Papa’s phone and then having to call my phone if Big Papa wasn’t there with us. I also think that Gollum likes to think that my girl asked to call on her own. I’m sure she would be disappointed if she knew that it was me telling my girl that she should go and call her mom a few times and handing her the phone with the number already dialed.

I guess I figure that Gollum is going to call and interrupt our vacation time anyway, why not let it be on my terms and keep the peace in the meantime. I did hear my girl answering questions from Gollum about where Big Papa was and telling her that he left on such and such a day. I also heard the same answers to similar questions when I had my girl call her grandmother (Gollum’s mother who was worrying that we wouldn’t watch her in the ocean). Gollum kept my girl on the phone for 12 minutes on Thursday – my girl first spoke with Gollum then she also spoke to her stepdad and his son. Then she spoke to Gollum again. Most of the conversation had to do with their new dog, which I’ll get into on a separate post very soon. I don’t know why the length of the call bothered me a bit. Perhaps because when Big Papa and I call, we can’t talk for longer than 5 minutes with all the noise in the background.

It was interesting to me that while my girl was on the phone with her mother, my own mother turned to me and said, “this is just so weird. I forget that she has another family when she’s with us because you are such a great mom to her.” It means a lot to me that my family has accepted my girl and our situation so unconditionally, and with open arms, and sometimes I do forget about Gollum and her hatred for me but then I snap back to reality. My reality is that although it was a tough week for me, my girl had a great time at the beach, the shops, and the dolphin cruise while getting hugs and kisses and lots of love from her extended family. And I am officially exhausted.

Vacation Time & Interruptions

My girl went on vacation this week with Gollum. We were told they were going to the beach, one about an hour from our house. At the beginning of the summer we were told that Gollum didn’t have any vacations planned for this year, but, of course, she is allowed to change her mind on this topic.

Gollum took her 2 weeks with my girl last year to various shore points near us and, from the sounds of it, my girl enjoyed her time there. We took a vacation last year to a different beach, more than a few hours away and my girl just loved it so much. We went with my whole family and it was just the most amazing week. My girl cried uncontrollably when we dropped her off to Gollum on the last day of the trip. She wanted her Aunt S-Pop and she didn’t want the week to be over. Gollum was none too pleased that my girl was crying at the prospect of ending a week with us.

This year we are again taking a trip to the previous year’s vacation spot. We sent an email letting her know and promised to work out some of the details (pick-up spots and time, etc.) once the trip got closer. A week or so later, Big Papa gets a text and then we receive an email that Gollum was taking my girl on a week’s vacation to the shore point closest to our town.

Now, it is stated in the custody agreement that each parent must give the other parent a thirty day written notice when taking my girl on any week-long vacation. When Big Papa and I were in the first year or so of dating, we decided to take my girl on a week’s vacation together, our first trip together and our first trip with my girl. Big Papa mentioned this verbally to Gollum but cut it quite close on giving the thirty day written notice (this was before I was involved in any of the communication).

We were harassed by Gollum AND by her mother to give that thirty days notice and an address of where we were staying. My girl was still quite young at this point so I could completely understand the worry of a mother sending her child on a trip without her, and one which also involved flying on a plane. This, however, does not warrant all the angry pointing to the court documents and the pressure we received. I mention all this because this year, for Gollum’s shore vacation, we received 2 weeks written notice that Gollum would be taking my girl on a trip. A trip that interrupted our weekend with the girl.

We decided to be kind and flexible and allow this without a battle, putting the past aside. We have missed my girl very much this week and before she left, she was also upset at the prospect of losing the half of the weekend with us as well as her time during the week at our home.

We decided to call my girl together last night. She answered Gollum’s cell phone and spoke for a few minutes with Big Papa. He ended up repeating almost everything he said and raised his voice a few octaves at times. When the phone was handed to me, I was so excited to speak to her and began answering her questions about our upcoming vacation and telling her about the happenings of our home and asking about her vacation that she was currently enjoying.

As I spoke, the noise level in the background became increasingly higher. I heard several people yelling and laughing. My girl repeatedly had to ask me what I said as she couldn’t hear with all the commotion in the background. I could barely hear her so I knew she was having a harder time hearing me. Through all of this, I could hear Gollum’s voice almost as clear as my girl’s, so I gathered that she was right next to her throughout our entire five minute phone call. Several times, my girl stopped to speak to her mother – to tell her something I had just said about our plans or to answer her mother’s questions.

Gollum calls 2-3 times while we take our week’s vacation and she asks my girl to call her as well. I think Gollum would like to speak to my girl every day but doesn’t want to seem too needy to us. She would much rather that my girl stopped what she was doing with us each day to call her. Luckily, my girl is still at the age where she forgets to do such things and doesn’t quite understand her mother’s need to be a part of and dominate every aspect of her little life.

I guess five minutes of peace and quiet was too much to ask for on this vacation. Maybe next time.

I knew it was too good to be true

Gollum and I have had a long and sordid history. One day, in future blog post(s), I will get into the history and our rocky relationship and what has led us to where we are today. It’s long and painful but it needs to be told and I think blogging about it will help me to, perhaps, understand it all better and maybe hindsight will help me, moving forward. For the present, ever since my girl recently had surgery, Gollum and I have been getting along just fine. During my girl’s recovery time, Gollum would text and call ME, as she knew I was the one caring for my girl.


Coupled with the fact that Big Papa’s business is incredibly busy this time of year and that my job is incredibly flexible, I have been doing 90% of the pick-up/drop-off’s alone. In the past, when my girl was sick, Gollum would communicate with me as, obviously, I am the one caring for the sick child. After my girl returned to her usual self, the communication with me was then cut off. I expected that after my girl recovered from her surgical procedure that communication would subsequently be cut off between Gollum and I.

Surprisingly, it didn’t for the last month or so. Until today. Golllum has been texting me when she was on her way to drop my girl off to me and also text when determining who would be taking her to a weekend birthday party, for example. She even texted me after said party to see if my girl enjoyed it (ummm, what?) and I responded kindly back and ended up emailing her a picture from the party. Nice, yes? I mentioned to my sister and my mom how thankful I was that Gollum and I were able to communicate effectively, FINALLY, after seven years.

I think that is what all stepmoms are looking for from the birth-mother’s. We want to be respected as a fellow caretaker of the child, and to be given the opportunity to communicate effectively. After all, we are all on the same side, aren’t we? We are all on the side of the child. We all want to see our child succeed and love and grow into adulthood as fine, upstanding citizens.

Back to today. Gollum called and texted Big Papa about a change in pick-up spot for my girl this afternoon. Big Papa then had to stop his work day, call me to make sure I could accommodate the change and then text Gollum back that this change was okay with me/us. Doesn’t that seem like a waste of time (for us)?

I have been doing these pick-ups on Tuesday afternoons, without deviation, for the last two and a half months. Today, suddenly, she decides that she doesn’t want to speak with me about it. I tried to think back to the last time I saw her and if I had said or done anything that she could take and twist into something awful. I couldn’t think of anything at all. Had my girl just been incessantly talking about me and our fun weekend? What could it possibly be? I am tired of trying to figure out her warped way of thinking. I had hoped that our newfound communicative relationship would withstand her mood swings and whatever it is in her head that makes her be hateful towards me.

As small as it is, I has bothered me today. However, I did owe her a response on our vacation time. So I texted Gollum the information, thanked her for being patient with my response and said,” Big Papa told me you texted him for me to pick up my girl at your mom’s today – what time?” I’m sure Gollum gave Big Papa this information but as small as it may seem, I felt the need to assert the fact that I was still the one handling the transportation and majority of the caretaking for my girl. Is that petty of me? I didn’t think so. Normally, I would’ve let this type of thing go and chalk it up to her mood swings and her crushing insecurity but I won’t let her waste our precious time any longer with these games. She did nicely text me back the time but I will be asking Big Papa to respond to any further texts and calls on pick-up/drop-off’s, that I’ll be doing, by telling Gollum to contact me directly as she has been doing for the last two months. We are all adults here. Get over it.

Holiday Drama

This is terrible. 3 posts in then I’m gone for over a month. Not the most promising stepmom blog you’ve ever seen, huh? The truth is, so much has been going on that I didn’t even know where to start. I was so incredibly angry after the Easter saga. Looking back I know why I got so angry but it just exhausts me because this is the same story with Gollum. Control, control, control. Even though it’s much in the past, this is what happened on Easter that set me off.

Gollum told us she would call at 4:30 or 5 when we could come pick my girl up from her moms house where she was having Easter lunch. Keep in mind that this holiday is “hers” this year. We do not have any legal right to see my girl on this day, for this particular year. Somehow over the past 2 or 3 years, we’ve fallen into a pattern of sharing every holiday. This is a gray area that makes me absolutely nuts. Of course we want to see my girl on every holiday and both of our families want to see her as well. As a result of that, we started splitting up the actual day of the holiday so that we could all see her on Easter and Thanksgiving, for example. This makes me nuts because Gollum will rarely set a time for us to pick up my girl on this split day and we are then at her mercy and our holiday and time spent with our families is controlled by her and her decision as to when we can pick up my girl. Why don’t we just stop the split days and tell her we should keep holidays as they are set by the court? I know, I’ve thought that too. But then how do I tell Big Papa that we shouldn’t make an effort to see my girl on these important days? Especially when I want to see her just as much. It’s a catch-22 for sure and frustrates me to no end.

So the week before Easter rolls around and Gollum offers for us to have my girl for a few hours on this day (assuming that we will reciprocate next year when Easter is our holiday). I asked Big Papa many times to nail down a time with her. I also told him to ask if we could get my girl at 5PM , and instead of rushing around to return her in a few hours, why not just keep her overnight and take her to school Monday morning? He finally called on Saturday and Gollum refused both requests. She refused to let my girl spend the night since she had a spelling test in the morning. I guess we are too irresponsible to handle getting her to school and making sure she gets a good night sleep. I get fired up then let it go. Fast forward to Easter and we are at my mom’s house, having a great time and anticipating that Gollum will call around 4:30 to let us know that we can come pick up my girl from her mother’s house. Big Papa gets a call at 5PM from HIS PARENTS HOUSE. It’s GOLLUM. She is saying that she didn’t have her cell phone and just stopped by our house and we weren’t there and so just dropped my girl off at Big Papa’s parent’s house because they are right around the corner from us. I think you could literally see the steam coming from my ears. I said “how is she not near a phone? Isn’t there one at her moms house she can use before she left to at least let us know that she is coming??” My anger comes from the fact that she is, yet again, controlling how our holiday is spent. Maybe not the whole day but I promise you the whole day I was anticipating something like this. My anger also comes from the fact that my girl’s greeting to us once we got to his parents house was “WHERE WERE YOU? We were knocking and knocking and you weren’t there.” Breaks my heart. I don’t want to think that Gollum purposefully didn’t call us before she left her mom’s house but this woman is jealous and vindictive and tries to be sneaky. She is never outright mean. She cares too much about how she is perceived by others to do that. My mother-in-law thought I was upset because my girl was dropped off at her house. I don’t even know why she would think that. But I broke down into tears. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. We have at least 11 more years of this unless something drastic changes. What needs to change so that I can actually look forward to a holiday?

A Letter to Big Papa

I want to preface this by saying that I love you very much. More than anyone. I need you to hear me out on this one. I need you to know that you’re letting her affect our relationship by not sticking up for me and stopping this ridiculousness. You should know by now that she nitpicks on any little thing that I do or say. Last night you were spouting off to me what I know she just said to you (about the prescription being someone else’s blah blah blah) and it really pissed me off and hurt me that you didn’t give me the benefit of the doubt. Like I said, I wouldn’t give someone else my prescription and told my girl she needed something like that from her allergy/asthma doctor. It’s funny how she forgets a little incident a few years ago when Gollum gave my girl someone else’s prescription and we have written documentation saying so. And to top it off, she was using someone else’s prescription ON HER SKIN. Remember that? Think about that before you tell me “it’s a problem if you did that” because of what she put in your head.

The reason you have this idea in your head that I get upset whenever you tell me something about her or when you tell me when she calls or whatever is because most of the time when she calls it is something negative toward me. You don’t understand why I get upset because it’s not quite directed at you. You think I make stuff up in my head – you need to remember that she would be a whole lot happier if I was gone and remember that when dealing with her and looking at the stuff she says and does. I get upset because the negative stuff is directed at me, through you and you don’t see it. You think everything is fine and “I’m just telling you what she told me” like you have nothing to do with it and you’re her little messenger boy. It’s like you don’t care how much it upsets me and hurts me. And on top of it all, it feels like you reward her bad behavior by taking her calls at 10PM when you had just 40min earlier asked me if it was too late to call someone. Hmmm. 10PM IS too late to call but not if you’re good old Gollum with a vendetta!
Also, at Easter, (details to come….)one of the problems I had with the whole conversation was that she completely pulled the rug out from under us and changed the plan and I heard you say thank you like 3 times and “awesome, great, thanks!” Really, I have no problem with you thanking her for giving us time with my girl but the problem I have and why I got upset was that she changed it all around (as she usually does when the original plan doesn’t suit her at that exact moment) and you are sitting there acting like it is fine and AWESOME that she did that. I just have a hard time processing that you can still act like she was doing something that was OK. The reason it wasn’t ok was because my girl was affected by it – she thought we weren’t there for her because of what Gollum chose to do.

I feel like I am fighting for my life here and fighting for my spot in this family. I feel like you don’t understand (which I have told you that I realize that you can’t understand my position as a stepmom) but even more so I feel like you don’t even care to understand where I am coming from. We have a great relationship but if you keep allowing her to dictate what happens in our home with my girl, these little squabbles here and there will turn into something bigger and counseling will be needed. I realize that your hands are tied and you don’t want to damage the relationship with Gollum for my girl’s sake. I get that. Know that I understand that completely. However, there is something great about BOUNDARIES and remembering the person who always has your back and wouldn’t let anyone treat you the way she is treating me. Right, “what do you want me to do??” is always your response. Read above – I don’t need a crusade on my behalf, I just want you to sit back and realize that you need to approach this differently because the current way isn’t working. You need to be able to tell me when she calls and what she says in regards to my girl and issues and whatever but I can’t just have you drop it on my lap like you do and expect me not to get upset when it negatively affects me or you or my girl. We need to work on a different approach together because I am at the end here – I can’t operate this way for much longer. Seven years is a long time to be dumped on and beat up and treated like less than a human being and less than an active participant in my girl’s life. I’ll try to equate this to a situation that, hopefully, you can understand. If you had to deal with your former friends, Tweedle-dee and Tweedle-dum every day of your life for the next 20 years, it would make you upset too. What if both of these losers called me or did something through me at least once a week to try and undermine you, your credibility and our relationship? I know for a fact that you would have a problem with it. Because they aren’t good people either and when they have done stupid stuff and said mean things about you - I have heard about it. And that is fine and natural to vent about someone that has wronged you. Just don’t get mad at me when I do it. I truly don’t mean to take it out on you but sometimes I do get mad at you for allowing the crap that she pulls so I do take it out on you. Because you don’t see the problem and that SUCKS for me.

I just want you to have my back when it comes to this. I hope that is not too much to ask. Like I said, I'm suggesting counseling for us if something doesn't drastically change here. I don't know how else to make you hear me and understand. It’s really not that hard - don't doubt me, have my back, don't take all her calls (especially late ones like last night), remember that she is a demented, insecure and evil creature that will stop at nothing to try to destroy our family. Don’t underestimate her. You forget how deeply she hurt you and how viciously she is trying to do the same to us.

Double Edged Sword

For many reasons, I would prefer for Gollum to communicate certain things with me directly. As much as I don’t want to speak with her or hear her voice, I am the primary scheduler/care-taker in our house. This has been a long standing issue since she refuses to do so. Another problem is that Big Papa blocks her out and doesn’t hear much of what she says and of what he does hear, he doesn’t remember. He usually likes to call me right after speaking to her and relay the information to me so that I am the one responsible for remembering what is going on. One weekend my girl was coughing worse than usual and was supposed to have 2 extra doses of her allergy medication for her cough. Guess who forgot to tell me this important little tidbit? Yup, Big Papa. I know this only because I mentioned to Gollum that I gave my girl some mild over-the-counter cough medicine and she chastised me, saying I needed to call the allergist before giving her something like that. Gollum said, smiling, that my girl was supposed to have 3 doses of her regular medicine and your husband “probably forgot to tell you.”
I still don’t know if she was trying, in her twisted way, to be nice for once? Was she laughing because he doesn’t remember anything? I wouldn’t think a mother would be laughing that her kid didn’t get the medicine she needed. But then why did she have the biggest smile on her face? I still don’t understand that one. Add it to the list.
This weekend I took my girl to a SPCA charity event which she LOVED but we missed her Saturday afternoon dance class. She had such an amazing time at the event, all she did was talk about it for the rest of the day and the next day. So I get a text this morning. FROM GOLLUM. Like I said, she rarely communicates anything to me. She knows that I am the one who takes my girl to dance class but I am wondering if she sent the same text to Big Papa as well. Hmmmmm. That would be typical.
The text from Gollum said that my girl told her that she missed dance class because of the “dog show” and “that is fine” (thanks for approving!) but I need to let her know before she misses a dance class so she can schedule a make-up class. First of all, I’m sure that my girl didn’t tell her this on her own; which confirms my fears and suspicions that my girl is grilled about her weekends with us. Second of all, we don’t need to tell her anything about our weekends. I can schedule a make-up class on our time if we chose too. Can I just mention that we missed her first softball game because Gollum screwed up the times this weekend? So when will she do a make-up for that missed game? The point is that it isn’t the make-up that is important; Gollum is trying to re-assert her control over my girl, me and our weekends. She doesn’t like the fact that my girl enjoyed an event that she went to with ME. It eats her up that it was me who took my girl to an event that left a lasting impression on her and was something that she and I together are passionate about doing. One of my best girlfriends, who is also a stepmom (and mommy to be!), advised me not to respond to that text. And pointed out that Gollum was desperately trying to put me “in my place” and it would bother her more if I don’t respond. I completely agree and will not be responding. If that discourages her from communicating with me at all about other important things, then so be it. Normally I would try to defend myself and respond that I would be scheduling a make-up class, but why? I did nothing wrong by spending quality time with my girl and teaching her about helping animals in need. I don’t need to defend myself. Gollum can go right ahead and try to assert control. She’s not getting it.