Double Edged Sword

For many reasons, I would prefer for Gollum to communicate certain things with me directly. As much as I don’t want to speak with her or hear her voice, I am the primary scheduler/care-taker in our house. This has been a long standing issue since she refuses to do so. Another problem is that Big Papa blocks her out and doesn’t hear much of what she says and of what he does hear, he doesn’t remember. He usually likes to call me right after speaking to her and relay the information to me so that I am the one responsible for remembering what is going on. One weekend my girl was coughing worse than usual and was supposed to have 2 extra doses of her allergy medication for her cough. Guess who forgot to tell me this important little tidbit? Yup, Big Papa. I know this only because I mentioned to Gollum that I gave my girl some mild over-the-counter cough medicine and she chastised me, saying I needed to call the allergist before giving her something like that. Gollum said, smiling, that my girl was supposed to have 3 doses of her regular medicine and your husband “probably forgot to tell you.”
I still don’t know if she was trying, in her twisted way, to be nice for once? Was she laughing because he doesn’t remember anything? I wouldn’t think a mother would be laughing that her kid didn’t get the medicine she needed. But then why did she have the biggest smile on her face? I still don’t understand that one. Add it to the list.
This weekend I took my girl to a SPCA charity event which she LOVED but we missed her Saturday afternoon dance class. She had such an amazing time at the event, all she did was talk about it for the rest of the day and the next day. So I get a text this morning. FROM GOLLUM. Like I said, she rarely communicates anything to me. She knows that I am the one who takes my girl to dance class but I am wondering if she sent the same text to Big Papa as well. Hmmmmm. That would be typical.
The text from Gollum said that my girl told her that she missed dance class because of the “dog show” and “that is fine” (thanks for approving!) but I need to let her know before she misses a dance class so she can schedule a make-up class. First of all, I’m sure that my girl didn’t tell her this on her own; which confirms my fears and suspicions that my girl is grilled about her weekends with us. Second of all, we don’t need to tell her anything about our weekends. I can schedule a make-up class on our time if we chose too. Can I just mention that we missed her first softball game because Gollum screwed up the times this weekend? So when will she do a make-up for that missed game? The point is that it isn’t the make-up that is important; Gollum is trying to re-assert her control over my girl, me and our weekends. She doesn’t like the fact that my girl enjoyed an event that she went to with ME. It eats her up that it was me who took my girl to an event that left a lasting impression on her and was something that she and I together are passionate about doing. One of my best girlfriends, who is also a stepmom (and mommy to be!), advised me not to respond to that text. And pointed out that Gollum was desperately trying to put me “in my place” and it would bother her more if I don’t respond. I completely agree and will not be responding. If that discourages her from communicating with me at all about other important things, then so be it. Normally I would try to defend myself and respond that I would be scheduling a make-up class, but why? I did nothing wrong by spending quality time with my girl and teaching her about helping animals in need. I don’t need to defend myself. Gollum can go right ahead and try to assert control. She’s not getting it.

A glimpse at the Beginning

I’ve been with her almost her whole life. I missed the first 7 months but I’ve been with her ever since. I don’t ever want to take the place of her biological mother. I promise you that. But I do have a very close bond with my girl. She had my heart the day I met her when she looked at me with those big, blue, beautiful eyes. I grabbed her before-bed bottle and fed it to her, sitting on the living room floor. I just sat there, holding her in my arms, giving & getting happy smiles. I could feel him looking at me. That was the night, after we tucked her in, that he told me that he loved me. My response? “I think I love you too.” I know, horrible, but he had hurt me badly before and I was scared. And he had a daughter now. It was a whole different ballgame. But despite all my reservations AND my head telling me it all wasn’t a good idea, my heart was telling me to jump in. So I did. With both feet. Which is why she feels like my own. Which is why I love my girl and my husband (hereafter referred to as ‘Big Papa’) more than life itself. Which is why I worry about my girl at school, at the “other house” with a manipulative, controlling mother who expects perfection and fights with her fiancé (Or boyfriend?....more on that in another post) in front of my girl. I worry about her relationships with her friends, the bullies on the playground, her grades, what she will be when she grows up, when she’ll get her heart broken for the first time, and when she will say ‘I love you’ to a boy for the first time….


I’m sure her mother worries about these things for her too. Her mother. The woman who appears to hate me, who likes to pretend I don’t exist and who looks at my husband when responding to a question I ask in an attempt to communicate about our kid during drop off and pick up times. This non-relationship deserves its own post so I’ll stop right here.

This was all on my mind today as I thought about the possibility of my girl sleeping over at a friend’s house during our weekend time. I hesitated. My girl has had a few sleepovers already as she is 7 now and she is at the age where sleepovers are the best ever. Remember that age? I hesitated because it didn’t feel right that somebody else would put my baby to bed. How could they know that my girl likes her back rubbed for at least 4 minutes each night, that we say 2 different prayers and read a story before bed? Even if I told them what to do, it still wouldn’t be right because it wouldn’t be me putting her to bed.

Then I realized I was being silly because someone else puts her to bed 50% of the time. That someone else is her mother who must feel the same way. Do I block this realization out? I must because it hit me hard today. I can’t imagine how hard it is for my girl’s mother to deal with the fact that another woman is in her daughter’s life. And that her daughter loves that other woman. And that this other woman loves her daughter so much it hurts sometimes. But it’s hard for me too. I guess because I’m the ‘wicked stepmother’, I’m not supposed to feel this way….right?