Crib Shopping – Part 2

Big Papa finally found someone in the baby store that told him there was no way they would have a bolt package for furniture from 8 years ago, that usually a set is discontinued after a year. They told him to go to the local hardware store, bring the crib piece and get them to match the bolts. So we left empty handed and both agreed that we wouldn’t be matching any bolts…

I cried the whole way home. Already emotional and dealing with this situation was too much for me. I knew Big Papa was irritated with me and I hate it when that happens. He asked me why I was crying over furniture and did I want a new set that bad? And I told him that if he wanted my honest feelings about it, YES, I wanted to get a new set and I didn’t want furniture that Gollum had picked out for her baby to be for my baby. He wasn’t upset with me about the furniture, he was upset with me for giving him an attitude because he didn’t think we were there to get a new crib and I snapped a little about that in the store. I don’t know what planet he was on when I had told him I wanted a new crib but he didn’t hear me and was irritated with me for being irritated with him. Such is marriage, no?

After resolving our differences and me apologizing for snapping, we got home and he went inside. I stayed in the truck and cried. I cried because, as a stepmom, I have had to accept a whole lot of things I never thought I would have to.

My fellow stepmoms…you all know this to be true. We have to allow so much and accept so many things that you never imagined you would have to in your marriage and for your family. That lovely comment, ”You knew he had a kid(s) when you married him” is so laughable to me because OF COURSE you knew, but how could any one of us anticipate what would be asked of us after making a commitment to our man and his kid?

At that moment, I felt that I had given up so much, accepted so much. I had accepted that these were the ways things were and that Gollum would never change. Of course the list goes on and on, but I felt that I was at my limit. I didn’t know until I was pregnant that I would feel this way and have to accept something so huge. I feel that I have to accept that although Big Papa is incredibly excited about the birth of this little baby boy and that the dynamic is much different (with us being married and had somewhat planned for this baby, and Gollum getting pregnant by accident a few months after they got back together so many years ago), this is not his first child.

This is not the first time he is experiencing the anticipation of being a parent and all that comes with it. This is all new to me, and it’s not to him. That makes me sad. Of course I wouldn’t change anything with my girl being in our lives because I love her so much, but I so wish Big Papa and I could have this first together.

This realization that was so important to me made me incredibly angry with Gollum because I feel that she took this moment from me. And I believe she knowingly took it from Big Papa. I’m not saying that she knew he would go on to have another kid with someone else but I believe, as Big Papa does and most of his family and friends, that Gollum got pregnant on purpose, trying to trap Big Papa into marriage. There, I said it. I’ve never said it “out loud.” Ultimately, that’s between her and God but, I’m sorry, birth control works great for 5 years then you break up for 10 months, get back together, and a few months later birth control mysteriously doesn’t work correctly? I’ve never gone into The History here on this blog but I think I will need to in a later post.

This woman, who dislikes me and my husband so strongly and doesn’t wish us any good thing in life, has made so many decisions that have affected our lives. She has made and continues to make decisions that have negatively affected our lives. Much of my life today is because of choices that she made. So when Big Papa asks me, do I want to keep the furniture? Do I want to keep a reminder of another one of Gollum’s decisions that I have to live with every day? No, I don’t. As you can see, it’s not about the furniture. Poor Big Papa didn’t understand that when I broke down crying but I was able to explain it to him through my tears. He comforted me and said “I understand…” because really, what else can he say? I told him that I needed him to know that this would probably not be the last time I broke down and cried over this during my pregnancy.

So he took down the convertible bed, told me he wanted to get new carpet in that room and he painted this past weekend. And yes, we are getting new furniture. Sometimes I feel like a brat for getting it but I just couldn’t keep the old set. The emotional side of me won over the practical side of me. We have had so much given to us from a friend who had a little boy last April, and we’ll be getting a set that can convert to a bed so little man can use this furniture well into his teen years.

I think another reason why I had so much trouble with this situation was because Gollum’s sister had dropped my girl off at our house a few nights before the crib shopping event. Her sister is very outgoing and we talk whenever I see her at activities and she is always nice to me. Of course I am guarded with what I say to her but that night she asked to see the baby’s room. I showed her the stuff we had and told her the theme I would have in the room, but obviously we had not painted yet and the room was not “set-up.”

She was asking so many questions and asked about the furniture and I reluctantly had to say we were keeping it (at that time, we were). It killed me that it would probably get back to Gollum that we were keeping it. I don’t know why that part bothered me so much but I just didn’t want to give her the satisfaction. And now I don’t have to. Thank GOD and thank you, Big Papa, with all my heart.

Crib shopping – Part 1

I was off work on President’s Day so Big Papa and I got to spend the day together. We decided to go to a movie and I asked him to come to the baby furniture store with me to “match” the color of the baby furniture we have to get a new crib.

Here is the background:

We have my girl’s baby furniture at our house. I might’ve mentioned before that Big Papa bought the house we live in, on his own, but then Gollum soon after became pregnant with my girl and moved in to his house. She only lived here a few months but since he was just moving in, she took it upon herself to pick out most of the paint colors, décor and furniture.

Don’t get me started – that, in and of itself, is another post, but I have worked for the last 7 years that I have lived here to get rid of everything she picked out and make this my home. It sucks that she had so much influence, only because he had just bought the house and she “happened” to need to move in at that time and was here for less than a year.

Anyway, back to the point, she picked out the baby furniture for my girl and it stayed at our house when she moved out because she moved into her mother’s house. Big Papa GENEROUSLY gave her over 2 thousand dollars to buy a new set. She eventually moved into a small condo and got all new furniture.

Now that I am expecting, the logical thing to do would be the keep the baby furniture we have, correct? It’s in pretty good shape, although 8 years old. I debated getting a whole new set but we just got new bedroom furniture for our room and I didn’t want to be a complete brat and demand new furniture all around. I sat down with my mom and asked her honest opinion of what I should. I respect her opinion greatly and she told me that I should keep the furniture, to be practical and save money for other things we would need for the baby.

That was a few months ago. I decided to keep the furniture but then realized that since we had converted the crib to the full size bed, we didn’t have the screws to put the crib back together. Big Papa said that we should call the baby furniture store and ask if they had a bolt package, and aside from the safety risks, I mentioned that I had no idea how to go about asking for a bolt pack for furniture that was manufactured eight years ago. I thought I had made it clear that I wanted a new crib, for safety reasons and for my own peace of mind. But just the crib, not the whole set…

So we ended up at the baby store and in the middle of carting around the side of a old crib around with us to match the wood to a new crib, Big Papa asked me if the only reason we were doing this was because we didn’t have the bolts. Um….what? Again, I thought I had made it clear that I wanted a new crib because we didn’t have the bolts. So I might’ve been a little incredulous when he asked me while we were in the store. And my response could’ve been interpreted as rather short or snippy, I’m sure. I said, “just ask someone if they have the bolts then!”

And I walked away to look at gliders. I held back my tears for a while but it comes down to this for me….it’s not about the furniture, it rarely is about the thing we appear to be upset over….if I didn’t have a stepdaughter and I didn’t already have baby furniture in my house, Big Papa and I would be shopping together to pick out our baby’s room, not just a crib to match what pieces we had.

The term “Love Child” and other things that make me feel sick to my stomach

According to www.dictionary.com, a “love child” is defined as follows:

love child

— n
euphemistic an illegitimate child; bastard

My girl decided that Saturday night was a good a time as any to tell me that she was a “love child.” I was making applesauce and baby food in my kitchen with a good friend. We had spent the day talking and peeling and cutting and watching the kids swim. It was a great day until her 4 year old son had explosive diarrhea in my backyard and one of my dogs sniffed a little too close to it. I loved helping my friend, but I was at the end of my proverbial rope and needed a shower, a diet coke and my bed when my girl informs me of this “fact.”

I tried to conceal the stunned look on my face and told myself to breathe in and out. She started leaving the room and I gathered my wits and said:

“Wait a sec, where did you even hear that word”?

“Whatever. Forget it!”

“Oh no ya don’t, come here for a sec and tell me about what you were just saying.”

She said, in a small, small voice, ”but I don’t want to hurt your feelings.”

I told her that it wouldn’t hurt my feelings; that I just needed to know where she heard that word and why she thought it was applicable to her.

She had read it on the internet. Now I am really freaking out, thinking, what website was she ON at Gollum’s house?!?! But I calmly said to her, “well, we can talk more later but that’s not exactly what this situation is….” And I just sucked in my breath and bent down to put my arms around her and said, “my girl, both of your parents, ALL of your parents love you very much.

She said, ”I know but I don’t want you to be sad.” I said, “you being here could never make me sad. I can’t imagine my life without you and you are the biggest part of my life and I love you very much.”

With that, she smiled and went back to playing with her friends. I went back to cutting apples and had to take more than a few deep breaths. My friend, who grew up with 2 different stepmoms, thought that she thought I handled it well.

Later Big Papa told me he also heard what my girl had said to me. It was such a relief that he heard it, because usually my girl says such things to me when we are alone, just the two of us and when I relay it to Big Papa, he doesn’t want to believe it and sometimes suggests that I blow things out of proportion or assume to much about the things that she says.

I put my girl to bed and almost chickened out by not talking about it anymore. But I had promised earlier so I got up the courage and she said she didn’t want to talk about it because she didn’t want to break my heart. She said that so quietly and with so many pauses, I almost didn’t hear what she said.

I told her that she’s not breaking my heart because I love her very much and I know that Big Papa loves me more than anything and that he loves both of us very much. She admitted to me that Gollum had looked the word up on the internet, showed it to her and told her that she was a “love child.” It was almost a relief to hear that my girl wasn’t out surfing the internet and found this word and jumped to that conclusion herself.

But I was beyond livid that Gollum would say something like that to a SEVEN YEAR OLD. Let’s not skip over the fact that my girl was a complete and utter surprise to Big Papa. Of course, we can’t imagine our lives without her and love her to death and would never, ever say this to my girl but here’s the true story: Gollum’s birth control mysteriously didn’t work one day so this was not a love child situation where two parents create a child because they love each other sooo much and don’t care if they are married or not.

I know in my heart that this was how it was explained to my girl. Why else would she be so worried about hurting MY feelings? If it was explained to her as the definition above, that she is simply a child born out of wedlock, why was she so concerned about breaking my heart?

Big Papa literally did not know what hit him when he was told about Gollum’s pregnancy. I am told they were never happy together and broke up from week to week. All of Big Papa’s friends and family and Big Papa himself believe that this was pregnancy was planned by Gollum in a move to try to keep Big Papa and get him to marry her. I can’t say for certain; that’s between her and God.

When I went back in to shower and lay down and take deep breathes to calm my shaking hands, I explained to Big Papa what my girl had just told me. He is so incredibly pissed and hurt and beyond angry that he had planned to call Gollum this week to talk to her about this. His plan is to try to prevent her from saying these things to my girl and plans to tell her that she shouldn’t even tell my girl that he talked to Gollum about this topic. We are concerned that Gollum will go back to my girl and reprimand her for telling us and we don’t want to jeopardize my girl’s trust.

I don’t know if a phone call to Gollum will help anything. She is a liar (among other things) and probably won’t admit to explaining this euphemism to my girl and putting her in that category. It’s just so incredibly frustrating because I believe that these types of things are being said and done to underhandedly hurt Big Papa and I (much, much more on this topic in future posts). But she (unintentionally?) hurts my girl in the process. I want to protect her from these crazy rants and lies but don’t know how and I just feel so helpless….

Messing with her Childhood

I am writing this post based on a conversation I recently had with my girl and some of the things that I have been told by other adults in the past few months. I know I should probably write about my and Big Papa’s history first but that story is many posts long and this is on my mind now. I need to ask opinions and advice from my fellow stepmamas.

Gollum was/(is?) engaged to Bilbo. They got engaged 6 months after Big Papa proposed to me. They bought a house together about 2 months after the became engaged.

Gollum no longer wears her engagement ring and hasn’t for a few months now.
Bilbo has an eleven year old son, who stays at their house every other weekend and for a few weeks in the summer.

Gollum’s would-be in-laws live across the street from us. This, as I am told by Bilbo, is how Bilbo and Gollum became “close.” Gollum lived with Big Papa for a few months while she was pregnant and first had my girl. Bilbo was recently divorced and living with his parents. Bilbo told me himself that he noticed she was living across the street and he pursued her while she was living with Big Papa and had just had a child with him. To this day, my father-in-law will not forgive Gollum for taking my girl out of his arms and giving her to Bilbo, whom Gollum described as “a friend.” My FIL was so hurt because she flirted with Bilbo, in front of both families, while denying any kind of romantic relationship with him.

The cheating is not proven fact but it seems to be a common thought among Big Papa, his family and his friends. I cannot say for certain if Gollum was cheating on Big Papa, whether physically or emotionally or both. Big Papa was done with Gollum long before this but was trying to make it work, for my girl’s sake. He sensed that Gollum had developed a relationship with Bilbo and told her, in one of their many fights, that she should move out of his house (her name was never on the mortgage or deed and she never paid any bills in the house) if she wanted a relationship with Bilbo. She denied this relationship but moved out with her belongings a few days later.

They have been together since. And I don’t think happily. Last fall, Gollum was at my in-laws house for Halloween and had brought over my girl so we could see her costume. She seemed extra standoffish that day and I thought her eyes were red from crying but couldn’t be sure. My MIL later told me that Gollum was crying at her house saying, “Bilbo is a jerk.” My in-laws took pity on her and listened to her problems and throughout the conversation my MIL kept trying to interject that my girl should go to another room while they discussed the topic of Gollum and Bilbo’s relationship. Gollum told her no, that my girl knew “all about it.” My girl was 6½ at this time. This concerned all of us but we didn’t know quite what to do about it at that point.

Fast forward to last week. My girl and I are driving home from a friend’s house and she is telling me how she is not sure if Gollum and Bilbo are getting married still. Keep in mind that she brought up this topic on her own. I would never ask because I don’t want my girl to feel uncomfortable or feel like I am giving her the third degree like Gollum so often does.

My girl brings up that Bilbo’s son is mean to her and is super clean. Oddly, my girlfriend, who knows Gollum just as an acquaintance, had just mentioned to me earlier that day that Bilbo was a clean freak and Gollum is more “laid back” about cleanliness around their house and that this obsession had led to a few of their break-ups or fights. Apparently Bilbo’s son is also a clean freak and doesn’t let my girl in his room. He locks it when he is not in there. My girl tells me she got a spot of cheese on a game one time and he refused to continue playing.

She has repeatedly told me that Gollum and Bilbo fight a lot. When she was younger she told me, “I just wish they would stop all the racket. It’s too loud. Mommy yells at Bilbo but he speaks in a soft voice.” On this particular occasion, she slipped and said, “we fight a lot. I mean, mom fights a lot with Bilbo.” I have noticed she does this often; identifying ‘we’ as her and her mother only and saying a shirt or piece of clothing is “mom’s”, not from mom’s house.

Anyway, she proceeded to tell me was that Gollum was planning on breaking up with Bilbo and that they would live with Gollum’s mother until they (Gollum and my girl) could find a house they could afford. The saddest thing and most disturbing thing said was that Gollum was breaking up with Bilbo because Bilbo’s son is mean to my girl.

The fact that any mother would let her daughter believe that she is the direct or indirect reason for her break-up from her fiancé/boyfriend, when they clearly have issues with each other and their relationship, is astounding to me. I realized that Gollum is trying to create this co-dependent relationship between her and my girl where they only have each other to depend on and they discuss things (major life changes) that Gollum hasn’t even discussed with her significant other.

I don’t know if this is being done consciously or not. I think that Gollum wants my girl to feel like she can’t leave her mother because she’s all that she has or because Gollum needs her for emotional support. Gollum is almost trying to be a girlfriend to my girl. I don’t get it. It really has shaken me to my core that someone would do such a thing to a child. My girl, of course, doesn’t realize what is happening but how much pain will this cause her when she is older? Will it cause her any? I can only go off of my own personal feelings of how I would feel, if in the same situation. I can’t imagine the pain and guilt of being made to believe that she was the reason behind her mother’s break-up. The poor kid has already been made to be more mature than most kids her age, due to the blended family situation where she is shuttled back and forth between two sets of parents homes and 2 sets of grandparents homes on a regular basis.

Maybe Gollum wants my girl to believe that she sacrificed sooo much for her. I’m sure she has sacrificed many things, as all parents do. But I think that this is crossing the line. Am I the only one who sees it like this?

A glimpse at the Beginning

I’ve been with her almost her whole life. I missed the first 7 months but I’ve been with her ever since. I don’t ever want to take the place of her biological mother. I promise you that. But I do have a very close bond with my girl. She had my heart the day I met her when she looked at me with those big, blue, beautiful eyes. I grabbed her before-bed bottle and fed it to her, sitting on the living room floor. I just sat there, holding her in my arms, giving & getting happy smiles. I could feel him looking at me. That was the night, after we tucked her in, that he told me that he loved me. My response? “I think I love you too.” I know, horrible, but he had hurt me badly before and I was scared. And he had a daughter now. It was a whole different ballgame. But despite all my reservations AND my head telling me it all wasn’t a good idea, my heart was telling me to jump in. So I did. With both feet. Which is why she feels like my own. Which is why I love my girl and my husband (hereafter referred to as ‘Big Papa’) more than life itself. Which is why I worry about my girl at school, at the “other house” with a manipulative, controlling mother who expects perfection and fights with her fiancé (Or boyfriend?....more on that in another post) in front of my girl. I worry about her relationships with her friends, the bullies on the playground, her grades, what she will be when she grows up, when she’ll get her heart broken for the first time, and when she will say ‘I love you’ to a boy for the first time….


I’m sure her mother worries about these things for her too. Her mother. The woman who appears to hate me, who likes to pretend I don’t exist and who looks at my husband when responding to a question I ask in an attempt to communicate about our kid during drop off and pick up times. This non-relationship deserves its own post so I’ll stop right here.

This was all on my mind today as I thought about the possibility of my girl sleeping over at a friend’s house during our weekend time. I hesitated. My girl has had a few sleepovers already as she is 7 now and she is at the age where sleepovers are the best ever. Remember that age? I hesitated because it didn’t feel right that somebody else would put my baby to bed. How could they know that my girl likes her back rubbed for at least 4 minutes each night, that we say 2 different prayers and read a story before bed? Even if I told them what to do, it still wouldn’t be right because it wouldn’t be me putting her to bed.

Then I realized I was being silly because someone else puts her to bed 50% of the time. That someone else is her mother who must feel the same way. Do I block this realization out? I must because it hit me hard today. I can’t imagine how hard it is for my girl’s mother to deal with the fact that another woman is in her daughter’s life. And that her daughter loves that other woman. And that this other woman loves her daughter so much it hurts sometimes. But it’s hard for me too. I guess because I’m the ‘wicked stepmother’, I’m not supposed to feel this way….right?