Mother-In-Law Saga

My mother-in-law and I have had a rocky road to where we now reside which, for the time being and this week only, is a friendly relationship. This road was not an easy one and there is no guarantee that our relationship will stay in the good place it is now. My own mother thinks the ups and downs in my relationship with my M-I-L has to do with her going through menopause and her own dysfunctional upbringing. I am in no way an expert on the menopause topic so I’m not sure on either topic…..

I do know that she was great to me for the first 5 years of my relationship to Big Papa. Even after Big Papa and I were engaged, she was still good to me and seemed to want to pursue a healthy relationship with me. I noticed that as I planned for the wedding, she stepped back more and more and didn’t want to have much to do with the planning process even as I tried to include her as Big Papa is an only child and this would be her only wedding where she would ever be the “mother of the…..” She would agree to help or visit venues with me and then always be mysteriously sick or change the subject when I began to talk of our nuptial plans.

Then it’s our actual wedding day and it’s 15 minutes before I am supposed to walk down the aisle and my hair is just not cooperating and I was REALLY stressed. My girl’s hair also needed to be fixed. My MIL is standing in the room and I hear her tell the photographer that she was taking my girl OUTSIDE (in the grass & dirt mind you!) to take pictures with Big Papa. Did she ask me? No. She didn’t even say anything about this directly to me. I just happened to overhear and said “oh no, I’m sorry, we can’t do that right now because we’ll be walking out soon.” Maybe I was short with her. I’m not sure and to be honest, the only thing I remember clearly is her trying to sneak my girl away and me panicking that my girl needed her hair fixed. My MIL walked out and I didn’t think much more of it.

The wedding was amazing and beautiful and all our family and friends surrounding us brought me to tears and made me so thankful for my wonderful life and these people who love me and Big Papa so much. It was truly one of the best days of my life (cliché I know, but true!). The only thing I could’ve wanted was pictures that I was not able to get. I had given the photographer a list and he was not able to get everything on it which was very disappointing for me but I couldn’t go back and change it. Instead I decided to focus on the positive and the amazing pictures that were taken.

The next weekend my in-laws stop by our house and give us a very generous check as a wedding present. Hugs and thank you’s all around. The next weekend (now two weeks after our wedding) we invited my in-laws over for dinner and I am getting the silent treatment from my MIL. And she had requested some time the next day with my girl and asked Big Papa if he would be dropping her off and he informed her that I would be doing the drop off and pick ups (as usual). She was clearly not happy about this. The next day with the pick-up, she wouldn’t tell me where she was taking my girl as it was surprise for my girl (and apparently a surprise for me too). I put my girl in her car and shut the door and lightheartedly said, “well, have a good time!” The response? A stiff and cold, “Oh we will.” Huh??

Long story short, I mention it to Big Papa and he jumps to her defense, saying I misinterpreted everything. Then he mentions it to her the next day (which is Mother’s Day, keep in mind, and already a tough day for me) and she breaks down crying and he tells her to come over and talk with me. He wouldn’t tell me why she was crying, only that he thinks SHE misread ME. Following? I didn’t. So she comes over, I try to give her a hug and say “Happy Mother’s Day” and I get the cold shoulder and she wouldn’t remove her sunglasses inside my house.

I’ll spare you the dirtiest details but the core of her very large problem with me was the fact that I didn’t “allow” my girl to go out with her on our wedding day 15 minutes before we were scheduled to walk down the aisle. Keep in mind that she acted okay around me for the week and a half AFTER this incident occurred. She was sobbing on my couch and basically screaming at me.

She yelled, “YOU WOULDN’T ALLOW ME TO HAVE A PICTURE WITH MY GRANDDAUGHTER! AND MY SON! BECAUSE OF YOU, I DIDN’T GET THE PCITURES THAT I WANTED AND I DON’T HAVE A PICTURE OF MY OWN FAMILY- THE 4 OF US- AT MY ONLY CHILD’S WEDDING. When I tried to explain that I didn’t allow my girl to go with her at that very point and time because the ceremony was about to commence, she again began screaming, BUT HE WAS MARRYING YOUUUU. YOU WOULDN’T START THE WEDDING WITHOUT HIMMMM. Meaning, I guess that if she was taking pictures with Big Papa and my girl that the wedding wouldn’t be able to start yet. Well, that’s my best guess on what she meant. I then also explained to her that my girl also needed her hair fixed and that needed to be done before the ceremony. She visibly calmed down after she realized what I was saying made sense and was the truth. At this point I am thinking:

1)Why is this woman yelling at me and why does she still have her sunglasses on?

2)How can she possibly think that I wouldn’t “ALLOW” pictures to be taken with her family? How can she possibly think that I am such an evil, conniving b*tch that I would stop such a thing as family pictures?? I can’t believe she went around for 2 weeks, thinking and telling people that she actually thought these awful things about me.

3)We have so many pictures of the family, how did she possibly not get the pictures she was looking for?

4)If there were any pictures that were so important to her, why didn’t she give me a list when I asked her for one, for the photographer, weeks before the wedding?

5)The comment about “her family- the 4 of us” must mean her, my FIL, Big Papa and my girl because we have dozens of pictures of me, Big Papa, her and my FIL.

6)Oh God. I can’t believe this woman wanted a picture of “her family” that didn’t include me. Why wouldn’t you want the 5 of us? Does she hate me that much?

I am crying at this point. I tell her that I also didn’t get all the pictures that I wanted to get and that I was disappointed with my photographer but there is nothing I can do about it now. We left on okay terms, with both of us apologetic. She actually did apologize for the way she had treated me. Said she wouldn’t have treated me like that if she knew the real reason behind the photo fiasco. Wow. I cried for the rest of the day.

We were fine for the next few months but had to have another very serious talk the night before Big Papa and I left for our delayed honeymoon. That discussion and its prerequisite deserve a separate post.

The way I see it, we have two issues between us – one being the fact that she tries to remain close to Gollum, her grandchild’s mother, and two being the fact that my MIL somehow doesn’t like the fact that, although Big Papa and her aren’t close, I married her “little baby boy.” The task of working through those two issues seems insurmountable to me.

I still feel as though she continually devalues our relationship (her and I) by maintaining such a close relationship with Gollum. She disrespects my role as the primary caregiver in our house by sneaking around and trying to get extra time (from our limited time) with my girl. She’ll wait until I leave the room to ask Big Papa if my girl can sleep over her house when clearly, I am the one who maintains the schedule in our house, because Big Papa will immediately come and ask me about it.

Did I mention that she and my FIL take my girl every other Saturday night while Gollum works her job as a bartender? I almost feel like my MIL is jealous of the fact that Big Papa, my girl and I are so close and happy that she tries to “get back” at me with Gollum.

I wish I could just say to her: I am supposed to be your family, not Gollum. You and my FIL both kiss her a$$ (admittedly) and its hurtful to Big Papa and I. You are pulling her closer as you push us away. How will that affect your relationship with your future grandkids? Any advice on the evil M-I-L fellow stepmoms?