Messing with her Childhood

I am writing this post based on a conversation I recently had with my girl and some of the things that I have been told by other adults in the past few months. I know I should probably write about my and Big Papa’s history first but that story is many posts long and this is on my mind now. I need to ask opinions and advice from my fellow stepmamas.

Gollum was/(is?) engaged to Bilbo. They got engaged 6 months after Big Papa proposed to me. They bought a house together about 2 months after the became engaged.

Gollum no longer wears her engagement ring and hasn’t for a few months now.
Bilbo has an eleven year old son, who stays at their house every other weekend and for a few weeks in the summer.

Gollum’s would-be in-laws live across the street from us. This, as I am told by Bilbo, is how Bilbo and Gollum became “close.” Gollum lived with Big Papa for a few months while she was pregnant and first had my girl. Bilbo was recently divorced and living with his parents. Bilbo told me himself that he noticed she was living across the street and he pursued her while she was living with Big Papa and had just had a child with him. To this day, my father-in-law will not forgive Gollum for taking my girl out of his arms and giving her to Bilbo, whom Gollum described as “a friend.” My FIL was so hurt because she flirted with Bilbo, in front of both families, while denying any kind of romantic relationship with him.

The cheating is not proven fact but it seems to be a common thought among Big Papa, his family and his friends. I cannot say for certain if Gollum was cheating on Big Papa, whether physically or emotionally or both. Big Papa was done with Gollum long before this but was trying to make it work, for my girl’s sake. He sensed that Gollum had developed a relationship with Bilbo and told her, in one of their many fights, that she should move out of his house (her name was never on the mortgage or deed and she never paid any bills in the house) if she wanted a relationship with Bilbo. She denied this relationship but moved out with her belongings a few days later.

They have been together since. And I don’t think happily. Last fall, Gollum was at my in-laws house for Halloween and had brought over my girl so we could see her costume. She seemed extra standoffish that day and I thought her eyes were red from crying but couldn’t be sure. My MIL later told me that Gollum was crying at her house saying, “Bilbo is a jerk.” My in-laws took pity on her and listened to her problems and throughout the conversation my MIL kept trying to interject that my girl should go to another room while they discussed the topic of Gollum and Bilbo’s relationship. Gollum told her no, that my girl knew “all about it.” My girl was 6½ at this time. This concerned all of us but we didn’t know quite what to do about it at that point.

Fast forward to last week. My girl and I are driving home from a friend’s house and she is telling me how she is not sure if Gollum and Bilbo are getting married still. Keep in mind that she brought up this topic on her own. I would never ask because I don’t want my girl to feel uncomfortable or feel like I am giving her the third degree like Gollum so often does.

My girl brings up that Bilbo’s son is mean to her and is super clean. Oddly, my girlfriend, who knows Gollum just as an acquaintance, had just mentioned to me earlier that day that Bilbo was a clean freak and Gollum is more “laid back” about cleanliness around their house and that this obsession had led to a few of their break-ups or fights. Apparently Bilbo’s son is also a clean freak and doesn’t let my girl in his room. He locks it when he is not in there. My girl tells me she got a spot of cheese on a game one time and he refused to continue playing.

She has repeatedly told me that Gollum and Bilbo fight a lot. When she was younger she told me, “I just wish they would stop all the racket. It’s too loud. Mommy yells at Bilbo but he speaks in a soft voice.” On this particular occasion, she slipped and said, “we fight a lot. I mean, mom fights a lot with Bilbo.” I have noticed she does this often; identifying ‘we’ as her and her mother only and saying a shirt or piece of clothing is “mom’s”, not from mom’s house.

Anyway, she proceeded to tell me was that Gollum was planning on breaking up with Bilbo and that they would live with Gollum’s mother until they (Gollum and my girl) could find a house they could afford. The saddest thing and most disturbing thing said was that Gollum was breaking up with Bilbo because Bilbo’s son is mean to my girl.

The fact that any mother would let her daughter believe that she is the direct or indirect reason for her break-up from her fiancé/boyfriend, when they clearly have issues with each other and their relationship, is astounding to me. I realized that Gollum is trying to create this co-dependent relationship between her and my girl where they only have each other to depend on and they discuss things (major life changes) that Gollum hasn’t even discussed with her significant other.

I don’t know if this is being done consciously or not. I think that Gollum wants my girl to feel like she can’t leave her mother because she’s all that she has or because Gollum needs her for emotional support. Gollum is almost trying to be a girlfriend to my girl. I don’t get it. It really has shaken me to my core that someone would do such a thing to a child. My girl, of course, doesn’t realize what is happening but how much pain will this cause her when she is older? Will it cause her any? I can only go off of my own personal feelings of how I would feel, if in the same situation. I can’t imagine the pain and guilt of being made to believe that she was the reason behind her mother’s break-up. The poor kid has already been made to be more mature than most kids her age, due to the blended family situation where she is shuttled back and forth between two sets of parents homes and 2 sets of grandparents homes on a regular basis.

Maybe Gollum wants my girl to believe that she sacrificed sooo much for her. I’m sure she has sacrificed many things, as all parents do. But I think that this is crossing the line. Am I the only one who sees it like this?