Crib Shopping – Part 2

Big Papa finally found someone in the baby store that told him there was no way they would have a bolt package for furniture from 8 years ago, that usually a set is discontinued after a year. They told him to go to the local hardware store, bring the crib piece and get them to match the bolts. So we left empty handed and both agreed that we wouldn’t be matching any bolts…

I cried the whole way home. Already emotional and dealing with this situation was too much for me. I knew Big Papa was irritated with me and I hate it when that happens. He asked me why I was crying over furniture and did I want a new set that bad? And I told him that if he wanted my honest feelings about it, YES, I wanted to get a new set and I didn’t want furniture that Gollum had picked out for her baby to be for my baby. He wasn’t upset with me about the furniture, he was upset with me for giving him an attitude because he didn’t think we were there to get a new crib and I snapped a little about that in the store. I don’t know what planet he was on when I had told him I wanted a new crib but he didn’t hear me and was irritated with me for being irritated with him. Such is marriage, no?

After resolving our differences and me apologizing for snapping, we got home and he went inside. I stayed in the truck and cried. I cried because, as a stepmom, I have had to accept a whole lot of things I never thought I would have to.

My fellow stepmoms…you all know this to be true. We have to allow so much and accept so many things that you never imagined you would have to in your marriage and for your family. That lovely comment, ”You knew he had a kid(s) when you married him” is so laughable to me because OF COURSE you knew, but how could any one of us anticipate what would be asked of us after making a commitment to our man and his kid?

At that moment, I felt that I had given up so much, accepted so much. I had accepted that these were the ways things were and that Gollum would never change. Of course the list goes on and on, but I felt that I was at my limit. I didn’t know until I was pregnant that I would feel this way and have to accept something so huge. I feel that I have to accept that although Big Papa is incredibly excited about the birth of this little baby boy and that the dynamic is much different (with us being married and had somewhat planned for this baby, and Gollum getting pregnant by accident a few months after they got back together so many years ago), this is not his first child.

This is not the first time he is experiencing the anticipation of being a parent and all that comes with it. This is all new to me, and it’s not to him. That makes me sad. Of course I wouldn’t change anything with my girl being in our lives because I love her so much, but I so wish Big Papa and I could have this first together.

This realization that was so important to me made me incredibly angry with Gollum because I feel that she took this moment from me. And I believe she knowingly took it from Big Papa. I’m not saying that she knew he would go on to have another kid with someone else but I believe, as Big Papa does and most of his family and friends, that Gollum got pregnant on purpose, trying to trap Big Papa into marriage. There, I said it. I’ve never said it “out loud.” Ultimately, that’s between her and God but, I’m sorry, birth control works great for 5 years then you break up for 10 months, get back together, and a few months later birth control mysteriously doesn’t work correctly? I’ve never gone into The History here on this blog but I think I will need to in a later post.

This woman, who dislikes me and my husband so strongly and doesn’t wish us any good thing in life, has made so many decisions that have affected our lives. She has made and continues to make decisions that have negatively affected our lives. Much of my life today is because of choices that she made. So when Big Papa asks me, do I want to keep the furniture? Do I want to keep a reminder of another one of Gollum’s decisions that I have to live with every day? No, I don’t. As you can see, it’s not about the furniture. Poor Big Papa didn’t understand that when I broke down crying but I was able to explain it to him through my tears. He comforted me and said “I understand…” because really, what else can he say? I told him that I needed him to know that this would probably not be the last time I broke down and cried over this during my pregnancy.

So he took down the convertible bed, told me he wanted to get new carpet in that room and he painted this past weekend. And yes, we are getting new furniture. Sometimes I feel like a brat for getting it but I just couldn’t keep the old set. The emotional side of me won over the practical side of me. We have had so much given to us from a friend who had a little boy last April, and we’ll be getting a set that can convert to a bed so little man can use this furniture well into his teen years.

I think another reason why I had so much trouble with this situation was because Gollum’s sister had dropped my girl off at our house a few nights before the crib shopping event. Her sister is very outgoing and we talk whenever I see her at activities and she is always nice to me. Of course I am guarded with what I say to her but that night she asked to see the baby’s room. I showed her the stuff we had and told her the theme I would have in the room, but obviously we had not painted yet and the room was not “set-up.”

She was asking so many questions and asked about the furniture and I reluctantly had to say we were keeping it (at that time, we were). It killed me that it would probably get back to Gollum that we were keeping it. I don’t know why that part bothered me so much but I just didn’t want to give her the satisfaction. And now I don’t have to. Thank GOD and thank you, Big Papa, with all my heart.

Crib shopping – Part 1

I was off work on President’s Day so Big Papa and I got to spend the day together. We decided to go to a movie and I asked him to come to the baby furniture store with me to “match” the color of the baby furniture we have to get a new crib.

Here is the background:

We have my girl’s baby furniture at our house. I might’ve mentioned before that Big Papa bought the house we live in, on his own, but then Gollum soon after became pregnant with my girl and moved in to his house. She only lived here a few months but since he was just moving in, she took it upon herself to pick out most of the paint colors, décor and furniture.

Don’t get me started – that, in and of itself, is another post, but I have worked for the last 7 years that I have lived here to get rid of everything she picked out and make this my home. It sucks that she had so much influence, only because he had just bought the house and she “happened” to need to move in at that time and was here for less than a year.

Anyway, back to the point, she picked out the baby furniture for my girl and it stayed at our house when she moved out because she moved into her mother’s house. Big Papa GENEROUSLY gave her over 2 thousand dollars to buy a new set. She eventually moved into a small condo and got all new furniture.

Now that I am expecting, the logical thing to do would be the keep the baby furniture we have, correct? It’s in pretty good shape, although 8 years old. I debated getting a whole new set but we just got new bedroom furniture for our room and I didn’t want to be a complete brat and demand new furniture all around. I sat down with my mom and asked her honest opinion of what I should. I respect her opinion greatly and she told me that I should keep the furniture, to be practical and save money for other things we would need for the baby.

That was a few months ago. I decided to keep the furniture but then realized that since we had converted the crib to the full size bed, we didn’t have the screws to put the crib back together. Big Papa said that we should call the baby furniture store and ask if they had a bolt package, and aside from the safety risks, I mentioned that I had no idea how to go about asking for a bolt pack for furniture that was manufactured eight years ago. I thought I had made it clear that I wanted a new crib, for safety reasons and for my own peace of mind. But just the crib, not the whole set…

So we ended up at the baby store and in the middle of carting around the side of a old crib around with us to match the wood to a new crib, Big Papa asked me if the only reason we were doing this was because we didn’t have the bolts. Um….what? Again, I thought I had made it clear that I wanted a new crib because we didn’t have the bolts. So I might’ve been a little incredulous when he asked me while we were in the store. And my response could’ve been interpreted as rather short or snippy, I’m sure. I said, “just ask someone if they have the bolts then!”

And I walked away to look at gliders. I held back my tears for a while but it comes down to this for me….it’s not about the furniture, it rarely is about the thing we appear to be upset over….if I didn’t have a stepdaughter and I didn’t already have baby furniture in my house, Big Papa and I would be shopping together to pick out our baby’s room, not just a crib to match what pieces we had.

Belated Update

Big Papa ended up speaking to Gollum’s mother on Wednesday morning (the day we were to take my girl to choir). She called to tell him that Gollum’s car had been broken into so she could pick up my girl from choir if he dropped her off.

Big Papa agreed to this and mentioned to the mother that my girl has been saying, for a while, that she doesn’t want to do choir any longer. Her response? “OH I know.”

He also brought up the fact that my girl is telling us one thing and Gollum is telling us another. She AGREED. She told Big Papa that she would speak to Gollum about it. I doubt she will change her mind but it’s a good thing that Gollum will be approached on this by someone close to her, someone other than me or Big Papa.

We both doubted that anything would come of the conversation and we were right. Gollum’s mother stopped by with the choir books and simply said, “I talked to her, and she (Gollum) wants her to go. So they went. But I know this is not the last time we will have that discussion. And that thought tires me.

Big Papa and I agreed that we would do our best to stand up for my girl BEFORE any of the activities are paid for in the beginning of the next school year. We both feel like we were blindsided in all of this and after seeing what the affect has been on my girl, we’ll have more “ammo” to put a stop to it before it starts. I also can’t imagine carting a six month old around to all the events we had this past fall/winter.

More to the story

I’ve been working from home these past few days so I’ve been able to sneak in a post here and there on my home computer. I am so thankful because just writing this down helps me to get out my anger.

When we came home with my girl on Tuesday, we talked about the whole fiasco. We tried to ask her questions that wouldn’t upset her or make her think that she is in trouble or anything like that.

She told us that the “special treat” after choir that Gollum said that my girl asked for (in her email) was actually something that Gollum promised her “to get me to go to choir.” I love that an eight year old realizes that her mother is trying to bribe her.

I told her that we just get confused because she says to us that she doesn’t want to go and then her mom sends us emails and tells us that she wants to go. I said, if you want to go, that is great and we support that but we just have to talk to each other and be honest about this. She then told us that “Mommy is probably lying to you.” We were silent. How do we answer that? We know it’s true but don’t want to get into a negative conversation about her “liar” mother.

My girl then started getting upset and saying that she was confused and my heart just broke for her. She doesn’t want to disappoint her mother but doesn’t want to keep doing this activity. At that point Big Papa asked her if she wanted HIM to call Gollum and discuss this with her. She readily agreed to that. I think she just doesn’t want to be the one to tell Gollum that she is fed up with all the activities.

Earlier in the conversation I told her that we agree with Gollum that you should start what you finish and not be a quitter but I acknowledged that usually it’s tough for anyone to start 4 new things and finish all of them. My girl jumped up and said “YEeees, that’s what I’ve been trying to tell her, it’s too much for me!” That sound you hear is my heart breaking, again.

Big Papa and I ended up getting into a heated discussion later on because I asked him when he was planning on calling Gollum and since she works nights, he said in the morning. I just worried about my girl getting out from school and thinking she wasn’t going and throwing a fit when she found out she had to go. It’s my (step)mom mentality where I worry about all aspects of the situation. I know you all understand that this can’t be helped! Big Papa doesn’t like it when I worry because OBVIOUSLY you can’t change anything with worry and he started to raise his voice at me. I immediately shut it down and told him he can’t talk like that, especially with my girl in the next room. She deals with enough of that at her mother’s house. And I remember being a little girl and listening to my dad yell at my mom and it’s a scary thing.

We both calmed down, I put my girl to bed, and we talked it out. We ended up being able to laugh about everything, joking how he was going to call up Gollum and say “Hello LIAR!” It made us laugh but then we realize it’s not so funny because this type of stuff will continue to happen. I just can only hope and pray that my girl continues to see through the murkiness of her mother’s manipulation.

Angry day

I have so much anger right now. It's stressing me out. I know it's not good for me or this little one when I am stressed.

I am angry because Gollum needed us to pick up my girl from the bus today (not a problem) but we first found out about this via a text last night at 10:30pm. I was already passed out or I would've answered her, and Big Papa doesn't usually check his phone after a certain time at night.

So we get the same text again at 7:45AM this morning. Big Papa texts back that yes, we will pick her up today. Ok, fine, not a problem. We had little issue with her pestering us because we understood that she needed an answer to be able to go into work this morning. Although I find it hard to believe that she JUST found out she needed to work so late last night. But moving on...

But in the next few hours, Big Papa gets a few more texts about certain details pertaining to giving her a snack after school, before we take her to CFF (extra curricular Catholic class). This was after Big Papa got a phone call from Gollum's mother and Gollum within five minutes of each other.

Gollum called to confirm that we would pick my girl up today. Did the text back not suffice? Gollum's mother called to ask Big Papa to bring my girl to choir practice tomorrow afternoon. We alternate choir duties so we only bring her every other week. Between snow days and sick days, Gollum and/or her mother have not brought my girl to choir practice since the end of December while we have the whole month of January.

The reason this is pissing me off is because my girl wants to quit choir and tells us this regularly. She had a meltdown and cried last week because she didn't want to go. We made her call Gollum and tell her this. We witnessed her crying on the phone and telling her mother that she didn't want to do choir any longer. She was allowed to "skip" that day. And told us that her mother was finally going to let her stop the choir activities. The next day we get an email with the following from Gollum:

"We talked more about choir (haha) and I think she will stick it out. She was laughing and smiling whenever I asked her what about it she doesn't like. She is fine going right from school and complains about going when she has all day to think about it. Oh, and she also wants a special treat after choir:) I just like for "my girl" to know the importance of finishing any activities she starts. So, as of now, we will see how it goes. Believe me, I would like to give it up also as I have to have someone to come in early so I can run out of work to get her there on the days I take her."

Yet again, my girl is telling us that she doesn't like it, can't handle it, and then has a "talk" with her mother and BOOM, she is going to stick it out.

This is why it angers me so much today. I agree with finishing the activities started and teaching kids the importance of that. But can you honestly sign an eight year old up for 4 activities, in addition to school, and expect her to finish all of them??

So on top of going against my girl's wishes to continue doing this activity, we are doing all the leg work for something that Gollum is sneakily enforcing. I am not a happy camper.

Big News

I’ve been a bad, bad blogger. I didn’t even realize I hadn’t written in 2 months until I grabbed this moment to catch you all up on the happenings of my life. I don’t blame my few but faithful followers if you don’t read this…I know I tend to give up on a blog if it’s been a while since the last post. I admit that it has been an overwhelming 2 months while I’ve been absent. Many big changes that are good but overwhelming nonetheless.

First and foremost of these new developments, I found out that I am expecting! I found out in early November and didn’t blog it at first because I was so petrified that something was going to happen. I can’t explain why I felt this way, but my fear was paralyzing. Thankfully, I am now 5 months along and everything is fine. We just found out that it’s a boy (!) this past week! I couldn’t even work after I got home from my appointment because I was so excited about this little man that we will welcome into the world in about 20 weeks.

Of course, there is so much excitement but the reality of the enormous responsibility is resting heavily on me these days. I finally sat down and made a list of all the things that need to happen before he is born and I know I am forgetting many things. I still need to register somewhere and get his room ready, FIND a NAME that a little boy will be proud of and try to pretend like everyone’s opinions about that name don’t matter.

In addition to this new little one, my company moved our office location about 20 miles from where it was located for the last few decades. Which means my office is now 50 miles from my house…does not make for a fun commute. Thankfully, I was granted a few work from homes days that are truly a blessing. Working in my pajamas for the better part of the day? Don’t mind if I do. That was a big help in those first trimester weeks where I could barely pry my eyes open most days.

To top off the big move, my company is now blocking blogger so I can’t even sneak a few minutes at lunch to post and comment. It’s so frustrating to me that they are most likely doing this because many people at the office think it’s fine to browse facebook during all hours at the office. I like checking out a good picture album as much as anybody else but you gotta save it for outside the office.

I’ll get into how my girl and Gollum reacted to the big baby news in a future post but for now, I just want to catch up with you all. I need to go and read all of your blogs, I have missed my fellow stepmoms!

The Talk

The talk went as best as it could. It literally lasted for 5 minutes as she rushed out of our driveway after dropping my girl off to us for the weekend. Big Poppa came in and quickly gave me the thumb’s up sign as we greeted my girl and asked about her day. Five minutes later, he gets a phone call. It’s Gollum. Big Papa is saying a lot of “ok, right, uh huh.” He hangs up and makes a face. We go into the kitchen to talk and he tells me that when they spoke outside, Gollum agreed that we could keep my girl until 6PM on our weekends but she already has plans this Sunday and she’ll be picking my girl up at the normal time. Big Papa then says she called to tell him that it was her idea for my girl to stay later with us.

She literally called and said, “yeah, this was my idea because I told my girl she could stay at your house for some extra time on Sundays.” At first, I thought that she was pushing this as “her idea” because she wanted us to think she was being generous. That is part of it, I think, but most of all, she wanted us to know that we are getting this “extra” time because GOLLUM says that it is what SHE wants, not us. It didn’t matter that my girl wanted more time with us or that we were missing time with her because of the activities that Gollum planned for us….we were getting the extra time on Sundays because Gollum thought of it. Controlled it, allowed it.

I had to laugh when I realized her motive there. I’m sure sub-consciously (or consciously) she was letting us know that everything is still under her control. Big Papa mentioned that she said something to that effect in the driveway about it being “her idea” and he found it almost laughable that she felt the need to call 5 minutes later and drill home the fact that she thought of it.

You remember that my girl had told me that because we have so little time with her on our Tuesday’s that Gollum told her that she would be allowed to stay up later at our house on those nights? At that same time, my girl had also informed me that Gollum told her that she would be a allowed to stay at our house A WHOLE EXTRA HOUR on our Sunday’s. In the weeks that followed that conversation, Gollum never mentioned to us, the co-parents, that my girl would be allowed to stay at our house for another hour. Makes me think that this was said to appease my girl in that moment since we never heard about it until Big Papa had this talk with Gollum.

All in all, I have to say that I am so thankful for our extra time with my girl. Since then, we have also gotten an email about another Sunday that Gollum needs to have my girl early. And so it begins. The pull for more time at her mother’s house, the most important house. I can hardly wait for the holidays, can you?