Phone Calls & other news

Big Papa decided to rock the boat. After receiving advice from my bloggy friend, DragonFly Mama, and with the encouragement from both my mom and my sister, he made the call to Gollum. This call was also made due to Big Papa’s conversation with my girl. They went fishing together and he was asking her about all her activities and how she liked them. She told him that she no longer liked the choir she had joined. Now this choir is a pretty big deal – she was recommended by her music teacher at school, she auditioned and was accepted. They do concerts galore around Christmas and the spring break and even do some traveling.

My girl told Big Papa that she just needed “a one day break.” When a seven year old talks like this, I think it’s important to listen. She told us both that she wanted to quit but “mommy told me once I start something I have to finish it.” Which I agree with to a point… I am all for finishing what you start but you don’t sign a kid up for 4 major activities in addition to school and maintain that motto when the kid is telling you she is overwhelmed.

So Big Papa called. He spoke with Gollum calmly and told her what my girl had told him. He mentioned to her how concerned we were that this could be taking a toll on her and though she does have a lot of energy, it doesn’t mean that every minute needs to be planned. He mentioned that my girl felt like she needed a day off and wasn’t particularly enjoying choir. She came back and said that she would talk to my girl to see how she felt. So basically the final say and decision is still up to Gollum. I can only hope that Big Papa’s call will help her realize the pressure she is putting on my girl with all of these activities. I am proud of him; proud that he stepped up and is acting as a voice for my girl.

In other related news….Big Papa and I have had a lot of discussions around asking Gollum for more time with my girl since she has scheduled our Tuesday nights and Saturdays away. We normally drop my girl off to Gollum at 12Noon on Sundays on our weekends. Big Papa and I have been discussing the possibility of asking Gollum if we can keep my girl until dinner time on Sunday’s. I don’t think this request is unreasonable as most people who share custody each get a “full” weekend which includes the full day on Sunday. Big Papa is adamant that he does not want this to go to court so here’s hoping that Gollum agrees to this extra time.

We don’t want to pull the court card and remind her that, legally, we do not have to take my girl to the activities that Gollum schedules on our time. Big Papa plans to speak to her today, in person, when she drops my girl off for our weekend. Wish us luck…..

Activities Galore

For the past 3 years, my girl has, like most kids her age, participated in 2 activities beyond the school day. She does gymnastics throughout the school year and has a break during the summer. Soccer is in the spring or fall. She has always loved gymnastics since she has one of her good friends in class with her. She’s not a huge fan of soccer and finally got through to Gollum this year with how much she disliked it. Big Papa played soccer in high school and enjoyed helping out the coaches on her team so I always wondered if Gollum chose soccer to appease him in some way. We never have any say or decision in the activities she does….we just come out and support my girl as much as we possibly can.

This year, for second grade, she has continued with her catholic after-school education (I’m not Catholic so I’m only slightly familiar with the terms…I believe the class is called CFF). That class is on Tuesday afternoons from 4:30 – 5:30. Since Tuesday is our night, I pick her up from the class on my way home from work.
My girl was already requesting more time with us because she didn’t get the whole afternoon to see us when she began this class in her first grade year. We were told by Gollum that she was taking this class on our night….not asked, told. Now Gollum has signed her up for swimming which is 3 nights a week practice plus Saturday’s for meets. She also signed her up for Choir which is Wednesday afternoons and a few Saturday’s in December and the Spring for concerts. Keep in mind that she also maintains gymnastics on Saturday mornings. I am tired just writing all that.

Swimming is Monday, Tuesday and Thursday night. So she literally is busy every single day of the week except Fridays. Oh, she has Sundays “off” too, can’t forget that. Normally she has to do choir and CFF homework on Sunday’s.

Big Papa and I are really concerned that this schedule is taking a toll on her. I know Tuesday nights take a bit of a toll on me already. The first night was awful. She wouldn’t go to bed because Gollum had told her that she could go to bed at 9:30. As nicely as we could, we reminded my girl that “Mommy doesn’t make the rules in our house and you are going to bed at 9.” Cue meltdown.

It’s gotten better but it is still tough because we want to spend time with her and not have to rush from place to place every time she’s with us. She and I get home at about 6:10 from work/CFF. We need to leave at 6:30 to get to swimming on time. Which leaves 20 minutes to get her fed, changed into her suit, gather up her towel and shampoo, etc and do 2 pages of homework with a stubborn 7 year old.

After swimming which is 7-8, I rush her into the showers and put on pajamas at the school. We get home about 8:40 and we give her 20 minutes to get a quick snack, brush her teeth, and play with the dogs. We don’t have time for anything else since her normal bedtime is 8 so 9 is pushing it. The only hope I have is that this swim season lasts until the end of January.

In the meantime, not only is it too much for her, we only have the time in the car to and from swimming to really spend with her so that makes our 2 weekends a month that much more packed. Gollum offered up one extra hour on our Sundays (we normally have her Fridays at 4:30 to Sundays at 12). Whoop-de-do. The weird thing was that Gollum told this to my girl and not us. From the sounds of it, she did this to appease my girl since she was sobbing when she found out swimming was Tuesdays nights and would give her even less time with us. And Gollum didn’t tell us this….her sister did. God forbid Gollum give up some of “her time” to make my girl happy.

Now Big Papa seems reluctant to fight for extra time every time we talk about it. My mom made a good point that Gollum cannot legally schedule any activities on our time and if she does, we don’t have to let my girl participate. Ugh, seems like an uphill battle any way you slice it. My fear is, if we don’t fight for more time with her and try to leave everything “civil and nice” with Gollum and let her walk all over us, that my girl will someday ask us why we didn’t fight to see her more. And we’ll have to tell her that it’s because of her overbearing, controlling mother. That and Big Papa’s fear of rocking the boat.

First Day of School

I realized, in my absence, how much I depend on my stepmom bloggy friends already. I have felt lost these past few weeks and it wasn’t a good feeling. As I mentioned in my previous post, the month of September just killed me with the start of school and all of my girl’s activities and just work in general for me. On top of all that, Big Papa and I decided that I would stop taking birth control and we would not actively try to get pregnant but see what happens….Yikes! Exciting and stressful and overwhelming all at the same time.

My girl’s first day of school is always a momentous occasion. We joke that she has the biggest fan club wherever she goes, whatever sport or activity she does because she has 3 sets of families - grandparents and aunts and uncles plus the parents. And everyone wants to be involved and capture all these exciting events on camera.
This first day of second grade we had the 2 biological grandmas, Big Papa and I, 2 dogs and Gollum to see her off on the bus. The bus stop is literally on the corner of Gollum’s property so we all gathered out front and chatted until the bus came. At one point Gollum went in and hauled Bilbo out to say hello to everyone. It was different than past years when he would’ve been outside from the beginning. Hmmm…..

The morning went smoothly and we took pictures galore and waved as she pulled away to start her adventure in second grade. I always shed a few tears on the first day…always hard for me to believe she is growing up so quickly.
At the end of the day I went to pick up my girl from the bus stop. Big Papa had to work but it was our night with her so I drove to Gollum’s house a few minutes early, thinking that one of the grandma’s would also be there. Surprise. It’s just ME and GOLLUM. FOR 10 MINUTES. While we wait for her bus. We each had a dog and her puppy was jumping on me because mine had somehow climbed onto my shoulder in terror of the situation.

My girl gets off the bus and is excited to see the 4 of us but then another girl got off with her. She had missed her stop. Gollum knew her mother so she called and offered to keep the girl at her house until the mother arrived. Gollum was headed to her job as a waitress so I offered to stay with the kids outside until the mother came.

But no such luck….

I waited in Gollum’s house, while holding my dog, for a good half hour until this other mom showed up. I don’t think I moved from my spot by the door in her living room. Meanwhile, her dog is scratching my legs trying to get to my dog. We both said something occasionally to each other but mostly talked to the kids.
FINALLY the other mom shows up and thanks Gollum up and down for staying with her kid. Horrors of all horrors, this mom comes in (I have met her at church on one occasion while I had my girl with me) and she can’t remember how she knows me so she says to Gollum,

“Who’s this? Is this your SISTER?”

My mouth literally fell open and I could not make words come out. Thankfully, Gollum stepped in and said, “This is my girl’s stepmom, Big Mama.” I would’ve thanked her but my mouth was still hanging wide open. Is it enough to say that we look nothing alike? I don't know what else to say besides that.

After we finally got to leave, I took my girl for some ice cream and a visit my in-laws. I was still traumatized from spending so much time in Gollumville but held it together to be excited for my girl on her first day of school.

Now let me say that I’m thankful we are civil enough with Gollum where we can share in the excitement of the actual first day of school. I know a lot of stepmoms and dads don’t get to do this. I’ll never forget my girl’s first day of kindergarten, her first year riding the bus - it was on a Wednesday and a morning where she should’ve been with us. Gollum pulled a fast one and said that she had asked us “a while ago” if my girl could have her first day of school at her house. I guess she felt bad after the fact because she invited us in for coffee and donuts that morning. Thanks but no thanks, sweetie.

Did anyone else experience a first day of school like this??

Absentee

Wow...I am such a deliquent blogger...I am so sorry!I have actually really missed blogging, hearing words of wisdom and advice from all my fellow bloggers. I've also missed catching up on all of your blogs so expect to hear from me soon.

We had a TON going on in the month of September with the beginning of the school year and second grade. It seems that we started the routine back up this month and this didn't allow for much down time, unfortunately.

My car was broken into which was absolutely horrifc. We live in the suburbs in a safe, family friendly development so it had to be some kids looking for a phone or an iPod. I do need to mention that I am an idiot and left my car unlocked for the FIRST time in approximately 2 or 3 years. Literally. I grew up in the inner city...you automatically lock everything, everywhere you go. They took my company laptop, my make-up bag and my day planner which has my LIFE in it. Thank God they dumped everything in someone's yard down the street from us. I guess they realized they couldn't break into the laptop and everything else was of little value to anyone but me!!! I just felt so violated after that happened. It was a scary feeling.

All in all, it's been a crazy month but I have much to talk about with you ladies so I will be back soon...stay tuned and please forgive me for being MIA!

The term “Love Child” and other things that make me feel sick to my stomach

According to www.dictionary.com, a “love child” is defined as follows:

love child

— n
euphemistic an illegitimate child; bastard

My girl decided that Saturday night was a good a time as any to tell me that she was a “love child.” I was making applesauce and baby food in my kitchen with a good friend. We had spent the day talking and peeling and cutting and watching the kids swim. It was a great day until her 4 year old son had explosive diarrhea in my backyard and one of my dogs sniffed a little too close to it. I loved helping my friend, but I was at the end of my proverbial rope and needed a shower, a diet coke and my bed when my girl informs me of this “fact.”

I tried to conceal the stunned look on my face and told myself to breathe in and out. She started leaving the room and I gathered my wits and said:

“Wait a sec, where did you even hear that word”?

“Whatever. Forget it!”

“Oh no ya don’t, come here for a sec and tell me about what you were just saying.”

She said, in a small, small voice, ”but I don’t want to hurt your feelings.”

I told her that it wouldn’t hurt my feelings; that I just needed to know where she heard that word and why she thought it was applicable to her.

She had read it on the internet. Now I am really freaking out, thinking, what website was she ON at Gollum’s house?!?! But I calmly said to her, “well, we can talk more later but that’s not exactly what this situation is….” And I just sucked in my breath and bent down to put my arms around her and said, “my girl, both of your parents, ALL of your parents love you very much.

She said, ”I know but I don’t want you to be sad.” I said, “you being here could never make me sad. I can’t imagine my life without you and you are the biggest part of my life and I love you very much.”

With that, she smiled and went back to playing with her friends. I went back to cutting apples and had to take more than a few deep breaths. My friend, who grew up with 2 different stepmoms, thought that she thought I handled it well.

Later Big Papa told me he also heard what my girl had said to me. It was such a relief that he heard it, because usually my girl says such things to me when we are alone, just the two of us and when I relay it to Big Papa, he doesn’t want to believe it and sometimes suggests that I blow things out of proportion or assume to much about the things that she says.

I put my girl to bed and almost chickened out by not talking about it anymore. But I had promised earlier so I got up the courage and she said she didn’t want to talk about it because she didn’t want to break my heart. She said that so quietly and with so many pauses, I almost didn’t hear what she said.

I told her that she’s not breaking my heart because I love her very much and I know that Big Papa loves me more than anything and that he loves both of us very much. She admitted to me that Gollum had looked the word up on the internet, showed it to her and told her that she was a “love child.” It was almost a relief to hear that my girl wasn’t out surfing the internet and found this word and jumped to that conclusion herself.

But I was beyond livid that Gollum would say something like that to a SEVEN YEAR OLD. Let’s not skip over the fact that my girl was a complete and utter surprise to Big Papa. Of course, we can’t imagine our lives without her and love her to death and would never, ever say this to my girl but here’s the true story: Gollum’s birth control mysteriously didn’t work one day so this was not a love child situation where two parents create a child because they love each other sooo much and don’t care if they are married or not.

I know in my heart that this was how it was explained to my girl. Why else would she be so worried about hurting MY feelings? If it was explained to her as the definition above, that she is simply a child born out of wedlock, why was she so concerned about breaking my heart?

Big Papa literally did not know what hit him when he was told about Gollum’s pregnancy. I am told they were never happy together and broke up from week to week. All of Big Papa’s friends and family and Big Papa himself believe that this was pregnancy was planned by Gollum in a move to try to keep Big Papa and get him to marry her. I can’t say for certain; that’s between her and God.

When I went back in to shower and lay down and take deep breathes to calm my shaking hands, I explained to Big Papa what my girl had just told me. He is so incredibly pissed and hurt and beyond angry that he had planned to call Gollum this week to talk to her about this. His plan is to try to prevent her from saying these things to my girl and plans to tell her that she shouldn’t even tell my girl that he talked to Gollum about this topic. We are concerned that Gollum will go back to my girl and reprimand her for telling us and we don’t want to jeopardize my girl’s trust.

I don’t know if a phone call to Gollum will help anything. She is a liar (among other things) and probably won’t admit to explaining this euphemism to my girl and putting her in that category. It’s just so incredibly frustrating because I believe that these types of things are being said and done to underhandedly hurt Big Papa and I (much, much more on this topic in future posts). But she (unintentionally?) hurts my girl in the process. I want to protect her from these crazy rants and lies but don’t know how and I just feel so helpless….

The Tooth Fairy

I’m sure most kids believe in the tooth fairy until they are about 11 or 12, right? I think I believed it for all of 5 years and then asked my mom and she told me the truth. Thanks Mom. I’m sure I was freaked out thinking of some unknown fairy lady coming into my room in the middle of the night.

My girl lost a tooth this past Friday. She has lost about 6 already; all very exciting events. She has only lost one tooth at our house and I was so excited when she did so we could play tooth fairy and we got to see the excitement on her little face. It was the coolest thing and one of the fun parenting moments.

My girl gets dropped off by Gollum at our house on Friday and shows me a ziploc baggie with her tooth. She was happy about it but Gollum explained the dentist said this tooth was not supposed to come out just yet because of her age. Usually, this particular tooth comes out when a child is 9 or 10. Gollum mentioned laughingly that my girl thought the tooth fairy would bring $10 because of the size of the tooth and the fact that it shouldn’t have come out yet.

But then she said that maybe the tooth fairy will bring $5 because $10 seemed like a lot. Big Papa, having got done work early that day, had been napping on the couch when they arrived. My girl climbed up into his lap on the couch after saying hello to me. Big Papa made no effort whatsoever to speak with Gollum or acknowledge her in any way. Usually he will say hello but I guess he didn’t feel the need since I was there?? I jokingly mentioned it and he smirked, and chalked it up to being tired.

As she was saying goodbye to my girl and leaving, Gollum said to her, “make sure you call me tomorrow and tell me how you did with the tooth fairy!” Cue discreet eye roll from Big Papa to Big Mama.

For some reason we decided to give my girl $10 for that darn tooth. We both forgot as we drifted off to sleep and then I woke with a start and said “tooth fairy!” Big Papa groaned and asked me to get up to put the money under her pillow. We were cracking up thinking of what horrible parents we would be if we had indeed fallen asleep and forgotten to put the money under her pillow! I think we were both so tired and delusional that we thought $10 would be a good idea. In hindsight, no kid should ever get $10 for a tooth! I mean, I think I used to get $1 and that was a HUGE deal! Hopefully we can back track a little but we are on a slippery slope here.

My girl was excited to see the $10 but paraded around saying, “I told you. I told you she would bring $10!” which, by the way, totally made us both regret even more that we gave her the $10. We then went about our day. We had a lot planned with brunch with my family for my dad’s birthday and a shopping trip with my sisters for some fall wardrobe items for my girl.

I thought about being proactive and suggesting that my girl call Gollum about the tooth fairy visit. Honestly, as we went about our morning and early afternoon, I had forgotten about the demand. As I have mentioned in an earlier post, Gollum frequently asks my girl to call her and my girl usually doesn’t because she is just a kid and doesn’t remember such things.

Ten minutes into our shopping trip, I got a call from Big Papa. He tells me that Gollum had texted his phone asking that my girl call her to let her know how she did with the tooth fairy. He knew I was annoyed but we didn’t discuss it since my girl was with me.

After we left the first store, about a half hour later, I had her call Gollum. She tells Gollum how much money the tooth fairy brought and talked about it for a minute. Then Gollum proceeds to tell her that she was going to the beach that day and that Bilbo (Golllum’s boyfriend) and his son would possibly be there with the rest of her family. I could only tell this by my girl’s responses. My girl became a little whiny at this point saying “no fair! Everyone else is going!?” Gollum then said something to the effect that we should take her swimming in our pool. We were out shopping the whole day so that wouldn’t be happening.

All in all, the phone call was about 5 minutes long and left me pissed off. Apparently my girl didn’t think about it anymore because we had a great day shopping with my sisters and visiting family.

I spoke to Big Papa about it later and explained my point of view. I was annoyed that Gollum had, once again, inserted herself into my girl’s life with us, our time with her. I get that she wants to be a part of my girl’s life but the tooth fairy tale can wait until Sunday when she would see her next. I just feel like we have such limited time with my girl as it is, and Gollum tries to impose on that time whenever she can grasp on to an excuse to do so.

And on top of her shoving herself into our family life and limited time together, she is making sure my girl knows what she is missing in the other house. I know it happens a lot with birthmother’s and their jealousy but I am so angry that she would do this, especially when we are doing her a favor by having my girl call her. It’s just so immature and shows how insecure she is. How do we put a stop to this without jeopardizing the civil and polite relationship we have with Gollum now? I know I was hurt by this but my girl, though she didn’t say anything to me directly, was certainly hurt.

It truly amazes me what lows these birthmoms will stoop to; it amazes me how they don’t stop and think how much they are hurting their own child in the process.

Messing with her Childhood

I am writing this post based on a conversation I recently had with my girl and some of the things that I have been told by other adults in the past few months. I know I should probably write about my and Big Papa’s history first but that story is many posts long and this is on my mind now. I need to ask opinions and advice from my fellow stepmamas.

Gollum was/(is?) engaged to Bilbo. They got engaged 6 months after Big Papa proposed to me. They bought a house together about 2 months after the became engaged.

Gollum no longer wears her engagement ring and hasn’t for a few months now.
Bilbo has an eleven year old son, who stays at their house every other weekend and for a few weeks in the summer.

Gollum’s would-be in-laws live across the street from us. This, as I am told by Bilbo, is how Bilbo and Gollum became “close.” Gollum lived with Big Papa for a few months while she was pregnant and first had my girl. Bilbo was recently divorced and living with his parents. Bilbo told me himself that he noticed she was living across the street and he pursued her while she was living with Big Papa and had just had a child with him. To this day, my father-in-law will not forgive Gollum for taking my girl out of his arms and giving her to Bilbo, whom Gollum described as “a friend.” My FIL was so hurt because she flirted with Bilbo, in front of both families, while denying any kind of romantic relationship with him.

The cheating is not proven fact but it seems to be a common thought among Big Papa, his family and his friends. I cannot say for certain if Gollum was cheating on Big Papa, whether physically or emotionally or both. Big Papa was done with Gollum long before this but was trying to make it work, for my girl’s sake. He sensed that Gollum had developed a relationship with Bilbo and told her, in one of their many fights, that she should move out of his house (her name was never on the mortgage or deed and she never paid any bills in the house) if she wanted a relationship with Bilbo. She denied this relationship but moved out with her belongings a few days later.

They have been together since. And I don’t think happily. Last fall, Gollum was at my in-laws house for Halloween and had brought over my girl so we could see her costume. She seemed extra standoffish that day and I thought her eyes were red from crying but couldn’t be sure. My MIL later told me that Gollum was crying at her house saying, “Bilbo is a jerk.” My in-laws took pity on her and listened to her problems and throughout the conversation my MIL kept trying to interject that my girl should go to another room while they discussed the topic of Gollum and Bilbo’s relationship. Gollum told her no, that my girl knew “all about it.” My girl was 6½ at this time. This concerned all of us but we didn’t know quite what to do about it at that point.

Fast forward to last week. My girl and I are driving home from a friend’s house and she is telling me how she is not sure if Gollum and Bilbo are getting married still. Keep in mind that she brought up this topic on her own. I would never ask because I don’t want my girl to feel uncomfortable or feel like I am giving her the third degree like Gollum so often does.

My girl brings up that Bilbo’s son is mean to her and is super clean. Oddly, my girlfriend, who knows Gollum just as an acquaintance, had just mentioned to me earlier that day that Bilbo was a clean freak and Gollum is more “laid back” about cleanliness around their house and that this obsession had led to a few of their break-ups or fights. Apparently Bilbo’s son is also a clean freak and doesn’t let my girl in his room. He locks it when he is not in there. My girl tells me she got a spot of cheese on a game one time and he refused to continue playing.

She has repeatedly told me that Gollum and Bilbo fight a lot. When she was younger she told me, “I just wish they would stop all the racket. It’s too loud. Mommy yells at Bilbo but he speaks in a soft voice.” On this particular occasion, she slipped and said, “we fight a lot. I mean, mom fights a lot with Bilbo.” I have noticed she does this often; identifying ‘we’ as her and her mother only and saying a shirt or piece of clothing is “mom’s”, not from mom’s house.

Anyway, she proceeded to tell me was that Gollum was planning on breaking up with Bilbo and that they would live with Gollum’s mother until they (Gollum and my girl) could find a house they could afford. The saddest thing and most disturbing thing said was that Gollum was breaking up with Bilbo because Bilbo’s son is mean to my girl.

The fact that any mother would let her daughter believe that she is the direct or indirect reason for her break-up from her fiancé/boyfriend, when they clearly have issues with each other and their relationship, is astounding to me. I realized that Gollum is trying to create this co-dependent relationship between her and my girl where they only have each other to depend on and they discuss things (major life changes) that Gollum hasn’t even discussed with her significant other.

I don’t know if this is being done consciously or not. I think that Gollum wants my girl to feel like she can’t leave her mother because she’s all that she has or because Gollum needs her for emotional support. Gollum is almost trying to be a girlfriend to my girl. I don’t get it. It really has shaken me to my core that someone would do such a thing to a child. My girl, of course, doesn’t realize what is happening but how much pain will this cause her when she is older? Will it cause her any? I can only go off of my own personal feelings of how I would feel, if in the same situation. I can’t imagine the pain and guilt of being made to believe that she was the reason behind her mother’s break-up. The poor kid has already been made to be more mature than most kids her age, due to the blended family situation where she is shuttled back and forth between two sets of parents homes and 2 sets of grandparents homes on a regular basis.

Maybe Gollum wants my girl to believe that she sacrificed sooo much for her. I’m sure she has sacrificed many things, as all parents do. But I think that this is crossing the line. Am I the only one who sees it like this?