Holiday Drama

This is terrible. 3 posts in then I’m gone for over a month. Not the most promising stepmom blog you’ve ever seen, huh? The truth is, so much has been going on that I didn’t even know where to start. I was so incredibly angry after the Easter saga. Looking back I know why I got so angry but it just exhausts me because this is the same story with Gollum. Control, control, control. Even though it’s much in the past, this is what happened on Easter that set me off.

Gollum told us she would call at 4:30 or 5 when we could come pick my girl up from her moms house where she was having Easter lunch. Keep in mind that this holiday is “hers” this year. We do not have any legal right to see my girl on this day, for this particular year. Somehow over the past 2 or 3 years, we’ve fallen into a pattern of sharing every holiday. This is a gray area that makes me absolutely nuts. Of course we want to see my girl on every holiday and both of our families want to see her as well. As a result of that, we started splitting up the actual day of the holiday so that we could all see her on Easter and Thanksgiving, for example. This makes me nuts because Gollum will rarely set a time for us to pick up my girl on this split day and we are then at her mercy and our holiday and time spent with our families is controlled by her and her decision as to when we can pick up my girl. Why don’t we just stop the split days and tell her we should keep holidays as they are set by the court? I know, I’ve thought that too. But then how do I tell Big Papa that we shouldn’t make an effort to see my girl on these important days? Especially when I want to see her just as much. It’s a catch-22 for sure and frustrates me to no end.

So the week before Easter rolls around and Gollum offers for us to have my girl for a few hours on this day (assuming that we will reciprocate next year when Easter is our holiday). I asked Big Papa many times to nail down a time with her. I also told him to ask if we could get my girl at 5PM , and instead of rushing around to return her in a few hours, why not just keep her overnight and take her to school Monday morning? He finally called on Saturday and Gollum refused both requests. She refused to let my girl spend the night since she had a spelling test in the morning. I guess we are too irresponsible to handle getting her to school and making sure she gets a good night sleep. I get fired up then let it go. Fast forward to Easter and we are at my mom’s house, having a great time and anticipating that Gollum will call around 4:30 to let us know that we can come pick up my girl from her mother’s house. Big Papa gets a call at 5PM from HIS PARENTS HOUSE. It’s GOLLUM. She is saying that she didn’t have her cell phone and just stopped by our house and we weren’t there and so just dropped my girl off at Big Papa’s parent’s house because they are right around the corner from us. I think you could literally see the steam coming from my ears. I said “how is she not near a phone? Isn’t there one at her moms house she can use before she left to at least let us know that she is coming??” My anger comes from the fact that she is, yet again, controlling how our holiday is spent. Maybe not the whole day but I promise you the whole day I was anticipating something like this. My anger also comes from the fact that my girl’s greeting to us once we got to his parents house was “WHERE WERE YOU? We were knocking and knocking and you weren’t there.” Breaks my heart. I don’t want to think that Gollum purposefully didn’t call us before she left her mom’s house but this woman is jealous and vindictive and tries to be sneaky. She is never outright mean. She cares too much about how she is perceived by others to do that. My mother-in-law thought I was upset because my girl was dropped off at her house. I don’t even know why she would think that. But I broke down into tears. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. We have at least 11 more years of this unless something drastic changes. What needs to change so that I can actually look forward to a holiday?

A Letter to Big Papa

I want to preface this by saying that I love you very much. More than anyone. I need you to hear me out on this one. I need you to know that you’re letting her affect our relationship by not sticking up for me and stopping this ridiculousness. You should know by now that she nitpicks on any little thing that I do or say. Last night you were spouting off to me what I know she just said to you (about the prescription being someone else’s blah blah blah) and it really pissed me off and hurt me that you didn’t give me the benefit of the doubt. Like I said, I wouldn’t give someone else my prescription and told my girl she needed something like that from her allergy/asthma doctor. It’s funny how she forgets a little incident a few years ago when Gollum gave my girl someone else’s prescription and we have written documentation saying so. And to top it off, she was using someone else’s prescription ON HER SKIN. Remember that? Think about that before you tell me “it’s a problem if you did that” because of what she put in your head.

The reason you have this idea in your head that I get upset whenever you tell me something about her or when you tell me when she calls or whatever is because most of the time when she calls it is something negative toward me. You don’t understand why I get upset because it’s not quite directed at you. You think I make stuff up in my head – you need to remember that she would be a whole lot happier if I was gone and remember that when dealing with her and looking at the stuff she says and does. I get upset because the negative stuff is directed at me, through you and you don’t see it. You think everything is fine and “I’m just telling you what she told me” like you have nothing to do with it and you’re her little messenger boy. It’s like you don’t care how much it upsets me and hurts me. And on top of it all, it feels like you reward her bad behavior by taking her calls at 10PM when you had just 40min earlier asked me if it was too late to call someone. Hmmm. 10PM IS too late to call but not if you’re good old Gollum with a vendetta!
Also, at Easter, (details to come….)one of the problems I had with the whole conversation was that she completely pulled the rug out from under us and changed the plan and I heard you say thank you like 3 times and “awesome, great, thanks!” Really, I have no problem with you thanking her for giving us time with my girl but the problem I have and why I got upset was that she changed it all around (as she usually does when the original plan doesn’t suit her at that exact moment) and you are sitting there acting like it is fine and AWESOME that she did that. I just have a hard time processing that you can still act like she was doing something that was OK. The reason it wasn’t ok was because my girl was affected by it – she thought we weren’t there for her because of what Gollum chose to do.

I feel like I am fighting for my life here and fighting for my spot in this family. I feel like you don’t understand (which I have told you that I realize that you can’t understand my position as a stepmom) but even more so I feel like you don’t even care to understand where I am coming from. We have a great relationship but if you keep allowing her to dictate what happens in our home with my girl, these little squabbles here and there will turn into something bigger and counseling will be needed. I realize that your hands are tied and you don’t want to damage the relationship with Gollum for my girl’s sake. I get that. Know that I understand that completely. However, there is something great about BOUNDARIES and remembering the person who always has your back and wouldn’t let anyone treat you the way she is treating me. Right, “what do you want me to do??” is always your response. Read above – I don’t need a crusade on my behalf, I just want you to sit back and realize that you need to approach this differently because the current way isn’t working. You need to be able to tell me when she calls and what she says in regards to my girl and issues and whatever but I can’t just have you drop it on my lap like you do and expect me not to get upset when it negatively affects me or you or my girl. We need to work on a different approach together because I am at the end here – I can’t operate this way for much longer. Seven years is a long time to be dumped on and beat up and treated like less than a human being and less than an active participant in my girl’s life. I’ll try to equate this to a situation that, hopefully, you can understand. If you had to deal with your former friends, Tweedle-dee and Tweedle-dum every day of your life for the next 20 years, it would make you upset too. What if both of these losers called me or did something through me at least once a week to try and undermine you, your credibility and our relationship? I know for a fact that you would have a problem with it. Because they aren’t good people either and when they have done stupid stuff and said mean things about you - I have heard about it. And that is fine and natural to vent about someone that has wronged you. Just don’t get mad at me when I do it. I truly don’t mean to take it out on you but sometimes I do get mad at you for allowing the crap that she pulls so I do take it out on you. Because you don’t see the problem and that SUCKS for me.

I just want you to have my back when it comes to this. I hope that is not too much to ask. Like I said, I'm suggesting counseling for us if something doesn't drastically change here. I don't know how else to make you hear me and understand. It’s really not that hard - don't doubt me, have my back, don't take all her calls (especially late ones like last night), remember that she is a demented, insecure and evil creature that will stop at nothing to try to destroy our family. Don’t underestimate her. You forget how deeply she hurt you and how viciously she is trying to do the same to us.

Double Edged Sword

For many reasons, I would prefer for Gollum to communicate certain things with me directly. As much as I don’t want to speak with her or hear her voice, I am the primary scheduler/care-taker in our house. This has been a long standing issue since she refuses to do so. Another problem is that Big Papa blocks her out and doesn’t hear much of what she says and of what he does hear, he doesn’t remember. He usually likes to call me right after speaking to her and relay the information to me so that I am the one responsible for remembering what is going on. One weekend my girl was coughing worse than usual and was supposed to have 2 extra doses of her allergy medication for her cough. Guess who forgot to tell me this important little tidbit? Yup, Big Papa. I know this only because I mentioned to Gollum that I gave my girl some mild over-the-counter cough medicine and she chastised me, saying I needed to call the allergist before giving her something like that. Gollum said, smiling, that my girl was supposed to have 3 doses of her regular medicine and your husband “probably forgot to tell you.”
I still don’t know if she was trying, in her twisted way, to be nice for once? Was she laughing because he doesn’t remember anything? I wouldn’t think a mother would be laughing that her kid didn’t get the medicine she needed. But then why did she have the biggest smile on her face? I still don’t understand that one. Add it to the list.
This weekend I took my girl to a SPCA charity event which she LOVED but we missed her Saturday afternoon dance class. She had such an amazing time at the event, all she did was talk about it for the rest of the day and the next day. So I get a text this morning. FROM GOLLUM. Like I said, she rarely communicates anything to me. She knows that I am the one who takes my girl to dance class but I am wondering if she sent the same text to Big Papa as well. Hmmmmm. That would be typical.
The text from Gollum said that my girl told her that she missed dance class because of the “dog show” and “that is fine” (thanks for approving!) but I need to let her know before she misses a dance class so she can schedule a make-up class. First of all, I’m sure that my girl didn’t tell her this on her own; which confirms my fears and suspicions that my girl is grilled about her weekends with us. Second of all, we don’t need to tell her anything about our weekends. I can schedule a make-up class on our time if we chose too. Can I just mention that we missed her first softball game because Gollum screwed up the times this weekend? So when will she do a make-up for that missed game? The point is that it isn’t the make-up that is important; Gollum is trying to re-assert her control over my girl, me and our weekends. She doesn’t like the fact that my girl enjoyed an event that she went to with ME. It eats her up that it was me who took my girl to an event that left a lasting impression on her and was something that she and I together are passionate about doing. One of my best girlfriends, who is also a stepmom (and mommy to be!), advised me not to respond to that text. And pointed out that Gollum was desperately trying to put me “in my place” and it would bother her more if I don’t respond. I completely agree and will not be responding. If that discourages her from communicating with me at all about other important things, then so be it. Normally I would try to defend myself and respond that I would be scheduling a make-up class, but why? I did nothing wrong by spending quality time with my girl and teaching her about helping animals in need. I don’t need to defend myself. Gollum can go right ahead and try to assert control. She’s not getting it.

A glimpse at the Beginning

I’ve been with her almost her whole life. I missed the first 7 months but I’ve been with her ever since. I don’t ever want to take the place of her biological mother. I promise you that. But I do have a very close bond with my girl. She had my heart the day I met her when she looked at me with those big, blue, beautiful eyes. I grabbed her before-bed bottle and fed it to her, sitting on the living room floor. I just sat there, holding her in my arms, giving & getting happy smiles. I could feel him looking at me. That was the night, after we tucked her in, that he told me that he loved me. My response? “I think I love you too.” I know, horrible, but he had hurt me badly before and I was scared. And he had a daughter now. It was a whole different ballgame. But despite all my reservations AND my head telling me it all wasn’t a good idea, my heart was telling me to jump in. So I did. With both feet. Which is why she feels like my own. Which is why I love my girl and my husband (hereafter referred to as ‘Big Papa’) more than life itself. Which is why I worry about my girl at school, at the “other house” with a manipulative, controlling mother who expects perfection and fights with her fiancé (Or boyfriend?....more on that in another post) in front of my girl. I worry about her relationships with her friends, the bullies on the playground, her grades, what she will be when she grows up, when she’ll get her heart broken for the first time, and when she will say ‘I love you’ to a boy for the first time….


I’m sure her mother worries about these things for her too. Her mother. The woman who appears to hate me, who likes to pretend I don’t exist and who looks at my husband when responding to a question I ask in an attempt to communicate about our kid during drop off and pick up times. This non-relationship deserves its own post so I’ll stop right here.

This was all on my mind today as I thought about the possibility of my girl sleeping over at a friend’s house during our weekend time. I hesitated. My girl has had a few sleepovers already as she is 7 now and she is at the age where sleepovers are the best ever. Remember that age? I hesitated because it didn’t feel right that somebody else would put my baby to bed. How could they know that my girl likes her back rubbed for at least 4 minutes each night, that we say 2 different prayers and read a story before bed? Even if I told them what to do, it still wouldn’t be right because it wouldn’t be me putting her to bed.

Then I realized I was being silly because someone else puts her to bed 50% of the time. That someone else is her mother who must feel the same way. Do I block this realization out? I must because it hit me hard today. I can’t imagine how hard it is for my girl’s mother to deal with the fact that another woman is in her daughter’s life. And that her daughter loves that other woman. And that this other woman loves her daughter so much it hurts sometimes. But it’s hard for me too. I guess because I’m the ‘wicked stepmother’, I’m not supposed to feel this way….right?