Monday, February 28, 2011

Crib Shopping – Part 2

Big Papa finally found someone in the baby store that told him there was no way they would have a bolt package for furniture from 8 years ago, that usually a set is discontinued after a year. They told him to go to the local hardware store, bring the crib piece and get them to match the bolts. So we left empty handed and both agreed that we wouldn’t be matching any bolts…

I cried the whole way home. Already emotional and dealing with this situation was too much for me. I knew Big Papa was irritated with me and I hate it when that happens. He asked me why I was crying over furniture and did I want a new set that bad? And I told him that if he wanted my honest feelings about it, YES, I wanted to get a new set and I didn’t want furniture that Gollum had picked out for her baby to be for my baby. He wasn’t upset with me about the furniture, he was upset with me for giving him an attitude because he didn’t think we were there to get a new crib and I snapped a little about that in the store. I don’t know what planet he was on when I had told him I wanted a new crib but he didn’t hear me and was irritated with me for being irritated with him. Such is marriage, no?

After resolving our differences and me apologizing for snapping, we got home and he went inside. I stayed in the truck and cried. I cried because, as a stepmom, I have had to accept a whole lot of things I never thought I would have to.

My fellow stepmoms…you all know this to be true. We have to allow so much and accept so many things that you never imagined you would have to in your marriage and for your family. That lovely comment, ”You knew he had a kid(s) when you married him” is so laughable to me because OF COURSE you knew, but how could any one of us anticipate what would be asked of us after making a commitment to our man and his kid?

At that moment, I felt that I had given up so much, accepted so much. I had accepted that these were the ways things were and that Gollum would never change. Of course the list goes on and on, but I felt that I was at my limit. I didn’t know until I was pregnant that I would feel this way and have to accept something so huge. I feel that I have to accept that although Big Papa is incredibly excited about the birth of this little baby boy and that the dynamic is much different (with us being married and had somewhat planned for this baby, and Gollum getting pregnant by accident a few months after they got back together so many years ago), this is not his first child.

This is not the first time he is experiencing the anticipation of being a parent and all that comes with it. This is all new to me, and it’s not to him. That makes me sad. Of course I wouldn’t change anything with my girl being in our lives because I love her so much, but I so wish Big Papa and I could have this first together.

This realization that was so important to me made me incredibly angry with Gollum because I feel that she took this moment from me. And I believe she knowingly took it from Big Papa. I’m not saying that she knew he would go on to have another kid with someone else but I believe, as Big Papa does and most of his family and friends, that Gollum got pregnant on purpose, trying to trap Big Papa into marriage. There, I said it. I’ve never said it “out loud.” Ultimately, that’s between her and God but, I’m sorry, birth control works great for 5 years then you break up for 10 months, get back together, and a few months later birth control mysteriously doesn’t work correctly? I’ve never gone into The History here on this blog but I think I will need to in a later post.

This woman, who dislikes me and my husband so strongly and doesn’t wish us any good thing in life, has made so many decisions that have affected our lives. She has made and continues to make decisions that have negatively affected our lives. Much of my life today is because of choices that she made. So when Big Papa asks me, do I want to keep the furniture? Do I want to keep a reminder of another one of Gollum’s decisions that I have to live with every day? No, I don’t. As you can see, it’s not about the furniture. Poor Big Papa didn’t understand that when I broke down crying but I was able to explain it to him through my tears. He comforted me and said “I understand…” because really, what else can he say? I told him that I needed him to know that this would probably not be the last time I broke down and cried over this during my pregnancy.

So he took down the convertible bed, told me he wanted to get new carpet in that room and he painted this past weekend. And yes, we are getting new furniture. Sometimes I feel like a brat for getting it but I just couldn’t keep the old set. The emotional side of me won over the practical side of me. We have had so much given to us from a friend who had a little boy last April, and we’ll be getting a set that can convert to a bed so little man can use this furniture well into his teen years.

I think another reason why I had so much trouble with this situation was because Gollum’s sister had dropped my girl off at our house a few nights before the crib shopping event. Her sister is very outgoing and we talk whenever I see her at activities and she is always nice to me. Of course I am guarded with what I say to her but that night she asked to see the baby’s room. I showed her the stuff we had and told her the theme I would have in the room, but obviously we had not painted yet and the room was not “set-up.”

She was asking so many questions and asked about the furniture and I reluctantly had to say we were keeping it (at that time, we were). It killed me that it would probably get back to Gollum that we were keeping it. I don’t know why that part bothered me so much but I just didn’t want to give her the satisfaction. And now I don’t have to. Thank GOD and thank you, Big Papa, with all my heart.

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