Vacation?

What a week it was. Between the air conditioning breaking, the tired meltdowns, my father’s appearance at the house and a threadbare, buggy mattress, it was quite the week. I honestly can say that I needed a vacation from my vacation. And this past week did not provide that whatsoever. After finally getting caught up on laundry a week later, I am still dealing with issues at my job which happened will I was out. Needless to say, I am one stressed out stepmomma!

I have so much to write about that I honestly don’t know where to begin. If this post is a little all over the place, I apologize! The vacation had some good points. We did have the beach to relax on, I was able to read a few chapters of my book, and we had the luxury and privilege of being able to sleep in a bit and not go to work every day. The vacation was with my immediate family – my mother, father, 4 siblings, in addition to me, Big Papa, my girl. It’s nice to go away with my family because my girl loves them to pieces and has so much fun with all her aunts, uncles and grandparents that it also provides Big Papa and I with some extra time to relax that we wouldn’t have gotten if we went away with just the three of us. I am so thankful for my family.

With that being said, I do have a rocky relationship with my dad and so does every single person in my family. It was tough to have him there but it would have been tougher to tell him that we did not want him there. It was so hard to have to deal with him and watch my mom deal with him. All the while, we were already dealing with (3 different) maintenance people for the HVAC system in the home we rented, along with the cleaning people showing up on our doorstep at 10:30PM to argue with us because we called the home owner when I found a dead bug in the corner of my mattress. Sadly, my sister couldn’t handle it all and left with my brother (who had planned to leave because of work) halfway through the week.

It just seemed as though not many things went right that week. But as I said, we were still able to find some positive aspects and I know my girl thoroughly enjoyed herself. I had her call Gollum three times while we were there. Saturday, the day we arrived, as Gollum specifically requested that my girl call her, to let her know that she got there safely. I later found out that Gollum, on that first phone call, requested that my girl call a few other members of her family to let them know that we had gotten there safely. My girl never called and never told me that she was asked to call them so it ended up being a non-issue. It still strikes me as odd that this request was made when Gollum could’ve done the calling herself.

Here’s another ingredient to add to the mix: Big Papa’s business is big in the summer. It’s when most of our money is made to carry us through the entire year. We used to take my girl on vacation in late September so we could spend the entire week together. When Gollum told us what week we should go on vacation the year my girl started kindergarten, we had to put an end to our September trip. We did not take the week Gollum specified we should and didn’t get to take a vacation week at all that year.

Last year, before my girl started first grade, we did a week with my family as we did this year. It worked out well with one catch. Big Papa could only stay half the week. He is the owner of his business and didn’t have anyone else he could rely on to keep the business running smoothly for the whole week. So my girl stayed with me and my family.

When we made this plan last year and again for this year, it wasn’t even a second though for us that my girl would stay and get to have a full week’s vacation. Another stepmom friend of mine thought I was crazy to “put up” with this arrangement and for caring for my girl without Big Papa nearby. I’m absolutely certain that Gollum HATED this arrangement but didn’t want to seem like the bad guy yet again by making a big stink about it.

Last year it happened last minute that Big Papa had to leave and didn’t feel it was necessary to notify Gollum that he was leaving. Some of you stepmoms out there might think that this was a bad idea not to notify her. I felt that we should let her know in some way, but Big Papa has a more laid back attitude and just wanted my girl to have a good time and didn’t want to cut her week of vacation short. He didn’t see a problem with my girl staying with me and my family because we are so close knit that we are HER family and there’s no distinction made there at all. I feel like I am trying to explain the course of action we took last year, of lack thereof, because looking back, perhaps we should’ve notified Gollum. We didn’t feel the need to then so I don’t know why I feel the need to explain myself now. Of course, Gollum found a way to let us all know that she knew that he wasn’t there for half the week but I was thankful that she let it be at that.

This year I did insist that, in the email where we notified Gollum of our vacation week with my girl, we let her know that Big Papa would be there for half the week. I felt better about this approach and this is why I had my girl call Gollum this week so Gollum wouldn’t go through calling Big Papa’s phone and then having to call my phone if Big Papa wasn’t there with us. I also think that Gollum likes to think that my girl asked to call on her own. I’m sure she would be disappointed if she knew that it was me telling my girl that she should go and call her mom a few times and handing her the phone with the number already dialed.

I guess I figure that Gollum is going to call and interrupt our vacation time anyway, why not let it be on my terms and keep the peace in the meantime. I did hear my girl answering questions from Gollum about where Big Papa was and telling her that he left on such and such a day. I also heard the same answers to similar questions when I had my girl call her grandmother (Gollum’s mother who was worrying that we wouldn’t watch her in the ocean). Gollum kept my girl on the phone for 12 minutes on Thursday – my girl first spoke with Gollum then she also spoke to her stepdad and his son. Then she spoke to Gollum again. Most of the conversation had to do with their new dog, which I’ll get into on a separate post very soon. I don’t know why the length of the call bothered me a bit. Perhaps because when Big Papa and I call, we can’t talk for longer than 5 minutes with all the noise in the background.

It was interesting to me that while my girl was on the phone with her mother, my own mother turned to me and said, “this is just so weird. I forget that she has another family when she’s with us because you are such a great mom to her.” It means a lot to me that my family has accepted my girl and our situation so unconditionally, and with open arms, and sometimes I do forget about Gollum and her hatred for me but then I snap back to reality. My reality is that although it was a tough week for me, my girl had a great time at the beach, the shops, and the dolphin cruise while getting hugs and kisses and lots of love from her extended family. And I am officially exhausted.

More Vacation Time

Tomorrow we’re off to a beach location on the gorgeous east coast. My stomach is in knots and I have butterflies because I literally have so much more to do at home and work to prepare for this trip. Yet I am blogging; hoping this will calm me down. So much has happened lately. I will take the time to sit and blog when I return next weekend. Between animals and earrings, I don’t know where to begin. I posted the beginning part of the earring situation on a discussion board on Stepchicks and I was so encouraged at the responses telling me I did the right thing. The advice and support I received just warmed by heart.


Part of the reason for the butterflies is also the anticipation of calls and instruction and such that we will receive when going away for the week with my girl. I already was asked by my girl’s maternal grandmother, “You watch her when she’s in the ocean, right? I mean really watch her because she goes out all the way to her neck and you know….”

I think I sputtered out an answer about how there will be about 6 adults in addition to Big Papa and I, so yes, we’ll be watching her when she’s in the ocean. I know the woman is a worrier but good gracious.

I’m taking a half day to go work out and try to get the car packed up. If I don’t have a panic attack first. This week will definitely be worth it though. Hope the bloggy world doesn’t miss me too much :)

Vacation Time & Interruptions

My girl went on vacation this week with Gollum. We were told they were going to the beach, one about an hour from our house. At the beginning of the summer we were told that Gollum didn’t have any vacations planned for this year, but, of course, she is allowed to change her mind on this topic.

Gollum took her 2 weeks with my girl last year to various shore points near us and, from the sounds of it, my girl enjoyed her time there. We took a vacation last year to a different beach, more than a few hours away and my girl just loved it so much. We went with my whole family and it was just the most amazing week. My girl cried uncontrollably when we dropped her off to Gollum on the last day of the trip. She wanted her Aunt S-Pop and she didn’t want the week to be over. Gollum was none too pleased that my girl was crying at the prospect of ending a week with us.

This year we are again taking a trip to the previous year’s vacation spot. We sent an email letting her know and promised to work out some of the details (pick-up spots and time, etc.) once the trip got closer. A week or so later, Big Papa gets a text and then we receive an email that Gollum was taking my girl on a week’s vacation to the shore point closest to our town.

Now, it is stated in the custody agreement that each parent must give the other parent a thirty day written notice when taking my girl on any week-long vacation. When Big Papa and I were in the first year or so of dating, we decided to take my girl on a week’s vacation together, our first trip together and our first trip with my girl. Big Papa mentioned this verbally to Gollum but cut it quite close on giving the thirty day written notice (this was before I was involved in any of the communication).

We were harassed by Gollum AND by her mother to give that thirty days notice and an address of where we were staying. My girl was still quite young at this point so I could completely understand the worry of a mother sending her child on a trip without her, and one which also involved flying on a plane. This, however, does not warrant all the angry pointing to the court documents and the pressure we received. I mention all this because this year, for Gollum’s shore vacation, we received 2 weeks written notice that Gollum would be taking my girl on a trip. A trip that interrupted our weekend with the girl.

We decided to be kind and flexible and allow this without a battle, putting the past aside. We have missed my girl very much this week and before she left, she was also upset at the prospect of losing the half of the weekend with us as well as her time during the week at our home.

We decided to call my girl together last night. She answered Gollum’s cell phone and spoke for a few minutes with Big Papa. He ended up repeating almost everything he said and raised his voice a few octaves at times. When the phone was handed to me, I was so excited to speak to her and began answering her questions about our upcoming vacation and telling her about the happenings of our home and asking about her vacation that she was currently enjoying.

As I spoke, the noise level in the background became increasingly higher. I heard several people yelling and laughing. My girl repeatedly had to ask me what I said as she couldn’t hear with all the commotion in the background. I could barely hear her so I knew she was having a harder time hearing me. Through all of this, I could hear Gollum’s voice almost as clear as my girl’s, so I gathered that she was right next to her throughout our entire five minute phone call. Several times, my girl stopped to speak to her mother – to tell her something I had just said about our plans or to answer her mother’s questions.

Gollum calls 2-3 times while we take our week’s vacation and she asks my girl to call her as well. I think Gollum would like to speak to my girl every day but doesn’t want to seem too needy to us. She would much rather that my girl stopped what she was doing with us each day to call her. Luckily, my girl is still at the age where she forgets to do such things and doesn’t quite understand her mother’s need to be a part of and dominate every aspect of her little life.

I guess five minutes of peace and quiet was too much to ask for on this vacation. Maybe next time.

I knew it was too good to be true

Gollum and I have had a long and sordid history. One day, in future blog post(s), I will get into the history and our rocky relationship and what has led us to where we are today. It’s long and painful but it needs to be told and I think blogging about it will help me to, perhaps, understand it all better and maybe hindsight will help me, moving forward. For the present, ever since my girl recently had surgery, Gollum and I have been getting along just fine. During my girl’s recovery time, Gollum would text and call ME, as she knew I was the one caring for my girl.


Coupled with the fact that Big Papa’s business is incredibly busy this time of year and that my job is incredibly flexible, I have been doing 90% of the pick-up/drop-off’s alone. In the past, when my girl was sick, Gollum would communicate with me as, obviously, I am the one caring for the sick child. After my girl returned to her usual self, the communication with me was then cut off. I expected that after my girl recovered from her surgical procedure that communication would subsequently be cut off between Gollum and I.

Surprisingly, it didn’t for the last month or so. Until today. Golllum has been texting me when she was on her way to drop my girl off to me and also text when determining who would be taking her to a weekend birthday party, for example. She even texted me after said party to see if my girl enjoyed it (ummm, what?) and I responded kindly back and ended up emailing her a picture from the party. Nice, yes? I mentioned to my sister and my mom how thankful I was that Gollum and I were able to communicate effectively, FINALLY, after seven years.

I think that is what all stepmoms are looking for from the birth-mother’s. We want to be respected as a fellow caretaker of the child, and to be given the opportunity to communicate effectively. After all, we are all on the same side, aren’t we? We are all on the side of the child. We all want to see our child succeed and love and grow into adulthood as fine, upstanding citizens.

Back to today. Gollum called and texted Big Papa about a change in pick-up spot for my girl this afternoon. Big Papa then had to stop his work day, call me to make sure I could accommodate the change and then text Gollum back that this change was okay with me/us. Doesn’t that seem like a waste of time (for us)?

I have been doing these pick-ups on Tuesday afternoons, without deviation, for the last two and a half months. Today, suddenly, she decides that she doesn’t want to speak with me about it. I tried to think back to the last time I saw her and if I had said or done anything that she could take and twist into something awful. I couldn’t think of anything at all. Had my girl just been incessantly talking about me and our fun weekend? What could it possibly be? I am tired of trying to figure out her warped way of thinking. I had hoped that our newfound communicative relationship would withstand her mood swings and whatever it is in her head that makes her be hateful towards me.

As small as it is, I has bothered me today. However, I did owe her a response on our vacation time. So I texted Gollum the information, thanked her for being patient with my response and said,” Big Papa told me you texted him for me to pick up my girl at your mom’s today – what time?” I’m sure Gollum gave Big Papa this information but as small as it may seem, I felt the need to assert the fact that I was still the one handling the transportation and majority of the caretaking for my girl. Is that petty of me? I didn’t think so. Normally, I would’ve let this type of thing go and chalk it up to her mood swings and her crushing insecurity but I won’t let her waste our precious time any longer with these games. She did nicely text me back the time but I will be asking Big Papa to respond to any further texts and calls on pick-up/drop-off’s, that I’ll be doing, by telling Gollum to contact me directly as she has been doing for the last two months. We are all adults here. Get over it.

Sisters, Sisters. There were never more devoted sisters.

10 points for anyone who knows which movie gave me the name for this blog post :) I had a wonderful weekend hanging out with my wonderful family. I went shopping with my sister, who also happens to be my best friend, on Saturday and we got to spend a few hours away from real life, browsing the racks of Macy’s & Bloomingdales. It was absolute heaven. She is my biggest supporter through my stepmom journey. Although not a stepmom herself, she has spent countless hours listening to me vent, complain and cry and has always offered good and sound advice. 

She was the first of my family and friends to open her arms and wholeheartedly love and accept my girl. And to this day, she has the best relationship with my girl, out of all of the extended (four sets) families connected to my girl. My girl runs and jumps into her arms every single time she sees her "Aunt S-Pop." I don’t think I would’ve survived this ride without her. Spent two years of my life without her and from what I’ve heard, they weren’t so good :) Love you always; my first, my last, my everything.

Mother-In-Law Saga

My mother-in-law and I have had a rocky road to where we now reside which, for the time being and this week only, is a friendly relationship. This road was not an easy one and there is no guarantee that our relationship will stay in the good place it is now. My own mother thinks the ups and downs in my relationship with my M-I-L has to do with her going through menopause and her own dysfunctional upbringing. I am in no way an expert on the menopause topic so I’m not sure on either topic…..

I do know that she was great to me for the first 5 years of my relationship to Big Papa. Even after Big Papa and I were engaged, she was still good to me and seemed to want to pursue a healthy relationship with me. I noticed that as I planned for the wedding, she stepped back more and more and didn’t want to have much to do with the planning process even as I tried to include her as Big Papa is an only child and this would be her only wedding where she would ever be the “mother of the…..” She would agree to help or visit venues with me and then always be mysteriously sick or change the subject when I began to talk of our nuptial plans.

Then it’s our actual wedding day and it’s 15 minutes before I am supposed to walk down the aisle and my hair is just not cooperating and I was REALLY stressed. My girl’s hair also needed to be fixed. My MIL is standing in the room and I hear her tell the photographer that she was taking my girl OUTSIDE (in the grass & dirt mind you!) to take pictures with Big Papa. Did she ask me? No. She didn’t even say anything about this directly to me. I just happened to overhear and said “oh no, I’m sorry, we can’t do that right now because we’ll be walking out soon.” Maybe I was short with her. I’m not sure and to be honest, the only thing I remember clearly is her trying to sneak my girl away and me panicking that my girl needed her hair fixed. My MIL walked out and I didn’t think much more of it.

The wedding was amazing and beautiful and all our family and friends surrounding us brought me to tears and made me so thankful for my wonderful life and these people who love me and Big Papa so much. It was truly one of the best days of my life (cliché I know, but true!). The only thing I could’ve wanted was pictures that I was not able to get. I had given the photographer a list and he was not able to get everything on it which was very disappointing for me but I couldn’t go back and change it. Instead I decided to focus on the positive and the amazing pictures that were taken.

The next weekend my in-laws stop by our house and give us a very generous check as a wedding present. Hugs and thank you’s all around. The next weekend (now two weeks after our wedding) we invited my in-laws over for dinner and I am getting the silent treatment from my MIL. And she had requested some time the next day with my girl and asked Big Papa if he would be dropping her off and he informed her that I would be doing the drop off and pick ups (as usual). She was clearly not happy about this. The next day with the pick-up, she wouldn’t tell me where she was taking my girl as it was surprise for my girl (and apparently a surprise for me too). I put my girl in her car and shut the door and lightheartedly said, “well, have a good time!” The response? A stiff and cold, “Oh we will.” Huh??

Long story short, I mention it to Big Papa and he jumps to her defense, saying I misinterpreted everything. Then he mentions it to her the next day (which is Mother’s Day, keep in mind, and already a tough day for me) and she breaks down crying and he tells her to come over and talk with me. He wouldn’t tell me why she was crying, only that he thinks SHE misread ME. Following? I didn’t. So she comes over, I try to give her a hug and say “Happy Mother’s Day” and I get the cold shoulder and she wouldn’t remove her sunglasses inside my house.

I’ll spare you the dirtiest details but the core of her very large problem with me was the fact that I didn’t “allow” my girl to go out with her on our wedding day 15 minutes before we were scheduled to walk down the aisle. Keep in mind that she acted okay around me for the week and a half AFTER this incident occurred. She was sobbing on my couch and basically screaming at me.

She yelled, “YOU WOULDN’T ALLOW ME TO HAVE A PICTURE WITH MY GRANDDAUGHTER! AND MY SON! BECAUSE OF YOU, I DIDN’T GET THE PCITURES THAT I WANTED AND I DON’T HAVE A PICTURE OF MY OWN FAMILY- THE 4 OF US- AT MY ONLY CHILD’S WEDDING. When I tried to explain that I didn’t allow my girl to go with her at that very point and time because the ceremony was about to commence, she again began screaming, BUT HE WAS MARRYING YOUUUU. YOU WOULDN’T START THE WEDDING WITHOUT HIMMMM. Meaning, I guess that if she was taking pictures with Big Papa and my girl that the wedding wouldn’t be able to start yet. Well, that’s my best guess on what she meant. I then also explained to her that my girl also needed her hair fixed and that needed to be done before the ceremony. She visibly calmed down after she realized what I was saying made sense and was the truth. At this point I am thinking:

1)Why is this woman yelling at me and why does she still have her sunglasses on?

2)How can she possibly think that I wouldn’t “ALLOW” pictures to be taken with her family? How can she possibly think that I am such an evil, conniving b*tch that I would stop such a thing as family pictures?? I can’t believe she went around for 2 weeks, thinking and telling people that she actually thought these awful things about me.

3)We have so many pictures of the family, how did she possibly not get the pictures she was looking for?

4)If there were any pictures that were so important to her, why didn’t she give me a list when I asked her for one, for the photographer, weeks before the wedding?

5)The comment about “her family- the 4 of us” must mean her, my FIL, Big Papa and my girl because we have dozens of pictures of me, Big Papa, her and my FIL.

6)Oh God. I can’t believe this woman wanted a picture of “her family” that didn’t include me. Why wouldn’t you want the 5 of us? Does she hate me that much?

I am crying at this point. I tell her that I also didn’t get all the pictures that I wanted to get and that I was disappointed with my photographer but there is nothing I can do about it now. We left on okay terms, with both of us apologetic. She actually did apologize for the way she had treated me. Said she wouldn’t have treated me like that if she knew the real reason behind the photo fiasco. Wow. I cried for the rest of the day.

We were fine for the next few months but had to have another very serious talk the night before Big Papa and I left for our delayed honeymoon. That discussion and its prerequisite deserve a separate post.

The way I see it, we have two issues between us – one being the fact that she tries to remain close to Gollum, her grandchild’s mother, and two being the fact that my MIL somehow doesn’t like the fact that, although Big Papa and her aren’t close, I married her “little baby boy.” The task of working through those two issues seems insurmountable to me.

I still feel as though she continually devalues our relationship (her and I) by maintaining such a close relationship with Gollum. She disrespects my role as the primary caregiver in our house by sneaking around and trying to get extra time (from our limited time) with my girl. She’ll wait until I leave the room to ask Big Papa if my girl can sleep over her house when clearly, I am the one who maintains the schedule in our house, because Big Papa will immediately come and ask me about it.

Did I mention that she and my FIL take my girl every other Saturday night while Gollum works her job as a bartender? I almost feel like my MIL is jealous of the fact that Big Papa, my girl and I are so close and happy that she tries to “get back” at me with Gollum.

I wish I could just say to her: I am supposed to be your family, not Gollum. You and my FIL both kiss her a$$ (admittedly) and its hurtful to Big Papa and I. You are pulling her closer as you push us away. How will that affect your relationship with your future grandkids? Any advice on the evil M-I-L fellow stepmoms?

Holiday Drama

This is terrible. 3 posts in then I’m gone for over a month. Not the most promising stepmom blog you’ve ever seen, huh? The truth is, so much has been going on that I didn’t even know where to start. I was so incredibly angry after the Easter saga. Looking back I know why I got so angry but it just exhausts me because this is the same story with Gollum. Control, control, control. Even though it’s much in the past, this is what happened on Easter that set me off.

Gollum told us she would call at 4:30 or 5 when we could come pick my girl up from her moms house where she was having Easter lunch. Keep in mind that this holiday is “hers” this year. We do not have any legal right to see my girl on this day, for this particular year. Somehow over the past 2 or 3 years, we’ve fallen into a pattern of sharing every holiday. This is a gray area that makes me absolutely nuts. Of course we want to see my girl on every holiday and both of our families want to see her as well. As a result of that, we started splitting up the actual day of the holiday so that we could all see her on Easter and Thanksgiving, for example. This makes me nuts because Gollum will rarely set a time for us to pick up my girl on this split day and we are then at her mercy and our holiday and time spent with our families is controlled by her and her decision as to when we can pick up my girl. Why don’t we just stop the split days and tell her we should keep holidays as they are set by the court? I know, I’ve thought that too. But then how do I tell Big Papa that we shouldn’t make an effort to see my girl on these important days? Especially when I want to see her just as much. It’s a catch-22 for sure and frustrates me to no end.

So the week before Easter rolls around and Gollum offers for us to have my girl for a few hours on this day (assuming that we will reciprocate next year when Easter is our holiday). I asked Big Papa many times to nail down a time with her. I also told him to ask if we could get my girl at 5PM , and instead of rushing around to return her in a few hours, why not just keep her overnight and take her to school Monday morning? He finally called on Saturday and Gollum refused both requests. She refused to let my girl spend the night since she had a spelling test in the morning. I guess we are too irresponsible to handle getting her to school and making sure she gets a good night sleep. I get fired up then let it go. Fast forward to Easter and we are at my mom’s house, having a great time and anticipating that Gollum will call around 4:30 to let us know that we can come pick up my girl from her mother’s house. Big Papa gets a call at 5PM from HIS PARENTS HOUSE. It’s GOLLUM. She is saying that she didn’t have her cell phone and just stopped by our house and we weren’t there and so just dropped my girl off at Big Papa’s parent’s house because they are right around the corner from us. I think you could literally see the steam coming from my ears. I said “how is she not near a phone? Isn’t there one at her moms house she can use before she left to at least let us know that she is coming??” My anger comes from the fact that she is, yet again, controlling how our holiday is spent. Maybe not the whole day but I promise you the whole day I was anticipating something like this. My anger also comes from the fact that my girl’s greeting to us once we got to his parents house was “WHERE WERE YOU? We were knocking and knocking and you weren’t there.” Breaks my heart. I don’t want to think that Gollum purposefully didn’t call us before she left her mom’s house but this woman is jealous and vindictive and tries to be sneaky. She is never outright mean. She cares too much about how she is perceived by others to do that. My mother-in-law thought I was upset because my girl was dropped off at her house. I don’t even know why she would think that. But I broke down into tears. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. We have at least 11 more years of this unless something drastic changes. What needs to change so that I can actually look forward to a holiday?