Crib Shopping – Part 2

Big Papa finally found someone in the baby store that told him there was no way they would have a bolt package for furniture from 8 years ago, that usually a set is discontinued after a year. They told him to go to the local hardware store, bring the crib piece and get them to match the bolts. So we left empty handed and both agreed that we wouldn’t be matching any bolts…

I cried the whole way home. Already emotional and dealing with this situation was too much for me. I knew Big Papa was irritated with me and I hate it when that happens. He asked me why I was crying over furniture and did I want a new set that bad? And I told him that if he wanted my honest feelings about it, YES, I wanted to get a new set and I didn’t want furniture that Gollum had picked out for her baby to be for my baby. He wasn’t upset with me about the furniture, he was upset with me for giving him an attitude because he didn’t think we were there to get a new crib and I snapped a little about that in the store. I don’t know what planet he was on when I had told him I wanted a new crib but he didn’t hear me and was irritated with me for being irritated with him. Such is marriage, no?

After resolving our differences and me apologizing for snapping, we got home and he went inside. I stayed in the truck and cried. I cried because, as a stepmom, I have had to accept a whole lot of things I never thought I would have to.

My fellow stepmoms…you all know this to be true. We have to allow so much and accept so many things that you never imagined you would have to in your marriage and for your family. That lovely comment, ”You knew he had a kid(s) when you married him” is so laughable to me because OF COURSE you knew, but how could any one of us anticipate what would be asked of us after making a commitment to our man and his kid?

At that moment, I felt that I had given up so much, accepted so much. I had accepted that these were the ways things were and that Gollum would never change. Of course the list goes on and on, but I felt that I was at my limit. I didn’t know until I was pregnant that I would feel this way and have to accept something so huge. I feel that I have to accept that although Big Papa is incredibly excited about the birth of this little baby boy and that the dynamic is much different (with us being married and had somewhat planned for this baby, and Gollum getting pregnant by accident a few months after they got back together so many years ago), this is not his first child.

This is not the first time he is experiencing the anticipation of being a parent and all that comes with it. This is all new to me, and it’s not to him. That makes me sad. Of course I wouldn’t change anything with my girl being in our lives because I love her so much, but I so wish Big Papa and I could have this first together.

This realization that was so important to me made me incredibly angry with Gollum because I feel that she took this moment from me. And I believe she knowingly took it from Big Papa. I’m not saying that she knew he would go on to have another kid with someone else but I believe, as Big Papa does and most of his family and friends, that Gollum got pregnant on purpose, trying to trap Big Papa into marriage. There, I said it. I’ve never said it “out loud.” Ultimately, that’s between her and God but, I’m sorry, birth control works great for 5 years then you break up for 10 months, get back together, and a few months later birth control mysteriously doesn’t work correctly? I’ve never gone into The History here on this blog but I think I will need to in a later post.

This woman, who dislikes me and my husband so strongly and doesn’t wish us any good thing in life, has made so many decisions that have affected our lives. She has made and continues to make decisions that have negatively affected our lives. Much of my life today is because of choices that she made. So when Big Papa asks me, do I want to keep the furniture? Do I want to keep a reminder of another one of Gollum’s decisions that I have to live with every day? No, I don’t. As you can see, it’s not about the furniture. Poor Big Papa didn’t understand that when I broke down crying but I was able to explain it to him through my tears. He comforted me and said “I understand…” because really, what else can he say? I told him that I needed him to know that this would probably not be the last time I broke down and cried over this during my pregnancy.

So he took down the convertible bed, told me he wanted to get new carpet in that room and he painted this past weekend. And yes, we are getting new furniture. Sometimes I feel like a brat for getting it but I just couldn’t keep the old set. The emotional side of me won over the practical side of me. We have had so much given to us from a friend who had a little boy last April, and we’ll be getting a set that can convert to a bed so little man can use this furniture well into his teen years.

I think another reason why I had so much trouble with this situation was because Gollum’s sister had dropped my girl off at our house a few nights before the crib shopping event. Her sister is very outgoing and we talk whenever I see her at activities and she is always nice to me. Of course I am guarded with what I say to her but that night she asked to see the baby’s room. I showed her the stuff we had and told her the theme I would have in the room, but obviously we had not painted yet and the room was not “set-up.”

She was asking so many questions and asked about the furniture and I reluctantly had to say we were keeping it (at that time, we were). It killed me that it would probably get back to Gollum that we were keeping it. I don’t know why that part bothered me so much but I just didn’t want to give her the satisfaction. And now I don’t have to. Thank GOD and thank you, Big Papa, with all my heart.

Crib shopping – Part 1

I was off work on President’s Day so Big Papa and I got to spend the day together. We decided to go to a movie and I asked him to come to the baby furniture store with me to “match” the color of the baby furniture we have to get a new crib.

Here is the background:

We have my girl’s baby furniture at our house. I might’ve mentioned before that Big Papa bought the house we live in, on his own, but then Gollum soon after became pregnant with my girl and moved in to his house. She only lived here a few months but since he was just moving in, she took it upon herself to pick out most of the paint colors, décor and furniture.

Don’t get me started – that, in and of itself, is another post, but I have worked for the last 7 years that I have lived here to get rid of everything she picked out and make this my home. It sucks that she had so much influence, only because he had just bought the house and she “happened” to need to move in at that time and was here for less than a year.

Anyway, back to the point, she picked out the baby furniture for my girl and it stayed at our house when she moved out because she moved into her mother’s house. Big Papa GENEROUSLY gave her over 2 thousand dollars to buy a new set. She eventually moved into a small condo and got all new furniture.

Now that I am expecting, the logical thing to do would be the keep the baby furniture we have, correct? It’s in pretty good shape, although 8 years old. I debated getting a whole new set but we just got new bedroom furniture for our room and I didn’t want to be a complete brat and demand new furniture all around. I sat down with my mom and asked her honest opinion of what I should. I respect her opinion greatly and she told me that I should keep the furniture, to be practical and save money for other things we would need for the baby.

That was a few months ago. I decided to keep the furniture but then realized that since we had converted the crib to the full size bed, we didn’t have the screws to put the crib back together. Big Papa said that we should call the baby furniture store and ask if they had a bolt package, and aside from the safety risks, I mentioned that I had no idea how to go about asking for a bolt pack for furniture that was manufactured eight years ago. I thought I had made it clear that I wanted a new crib, for safety reasons and for my own peace of mind. But just the crib, not the whole set…

So we ended up at the baby store and in the middle of carting around the side of a old crib around with us to match the wood to a new crib, Big Papa asked me if the only reason we were doing this was because we didn’t have the bolts. Um….what? Again, I thought I had made it clear that I wanted a new crib because we didn’t have the bolts. So I might’ve been a little incredulous when he asked me while we were in the store. And my response could’ve been interpreted as rather short or snippy, I’m sure. I said, “just ask someone if they have the bolts then!”

And I walked away to look at gliders. I held back my tears for a while but it comes down to this for me….it’s not about the furniture, it rarely is about the thing we appear to be upset over….if I didn’t have a stepdaughter and I didn’t already have baby furniture in my house, Big Papa and I would be shopping together to pick out our baby’s room, not just a crib to match what pieces we had.

Belated Update

Big Papa ended up speaking to Gollum’s mother on Wednesday morning (the day we were to take my girl to choir). She called to tell him that Gollum’s car had been broken into so she could pick up my girl from choir if he dropped her off.

Big Papa agreed to this and mentioned to the mother that my girl has been saying, for a while, that she doesn’t want to do choir any longer. Her response? “OH I know.”

He also brought up the fact that my girl is telling us one thing and Gollum is telling us another. She AGREED. She told Big Papa that she would speak to Gollum about it. I doubt she will change her mind but it’s a good thing that Gollum will be approached on this by someone close to her, someone other than me or Big Papa.

We both doubted that anything would come of the conversation and we were right. Gollum’s mother stopped by with the choir books and simply said, “I talked to her, and she (Gollum) wants her to go. So they went. But I know this is not the last time we will have that discussion. And that thought tires me.

Big Papa and I agreed that we would do our best to stand up for my girl BEFORE any of the activities are paid for in the beginning of the next school year. We both feel like we were blindsided in all of this and after seeing what the affect has been on my girl, we’ll have more “ammo” to put a stop to it before it starts. I also can’t imagine carting a six month old around to all the events we had this past fall/winter.

More to the story

I’ve been working from home these past few days so I’ve been able to sneak in a post here and there on my home computer. I am so thankful because just writing this down helps me to get out my anger.

When we came home with my girl on Tuesday, we talked about the whole fiasco. We tried to ask her questions that wouldn’t upset her or make her think that she is in trouble or anything like that.

She told us that the “special treat” after choir that Gollum said that my girl asked for (in her email) was actually something that Gollum promised her “to get me to go to choir.” I love that an eight year old realizes that her mother is trying to bribe her.

I told her that we just get confused because she says to us that she doesn’t want to go and then her mom sends us emails and tells us that she wants to go. I said, if you want to go, that is great and we support that but we just have to talk to each other and be honest about this. She then told us that “Mommy is probably lying to you.” We were silent. How do we answer that? We know it’s true but don’t want to get into a negative conversation about her “liar” mother.

My girl then started getting upset and saying that she was confused and my heart just broke for her. She doesn’t want to disappoint her mother but doesn’t want to keep doing this activity. At that point Big Papa asked her if she wanted HIM to call Gollum and discuss this with her. She readily agreed to that. I think she just doesn’t want to be the one to tell Gollum that she is fed up with all the activities.

Earlier in the conversation I told her that we agree with Gollum that you should start what you finish and not be a quitter but I acknowledged that usually it’s tough for anyone to start 4 new things and finish all of them. My girl jumped up and said “YEeees, that’s what I’ve been trying to tell her, it’s too much for me!” That sound you hear is my heart breaking, again.

Big Papa and I ended up getting into a heated discussion later on because I asked him when he was planning on calling Gollum and since she works nights, he said in the morning. I just worried about my girl getting out from school and thinking she wasn’t going and throwing a fit when she found out she had to go. It’s my (step)mom mentality where I worry about all aspects of the situation. I know you all understand that this can’t be helped! Big Papa doesn’t like it when I worry because OBVIOUSLY you can’t change anything with worry and he started to raise his voice at me. I immediately shut it down and told him he can’t talk like that, especially with my girl in the next room. She deals with enough of that at her mother’s house. And I remember being a little girl and listening to my dad yell at my mom and it’s a scary thing.

We both calmed down, I put my girl to bed, and we talked it out. We ended up being able to laugh about everything, joking how he was going to call up Gollum and say “Hello LIAR!” It made us laugh but then we realize it’s not so funny because this type of stuff will continue to happen. I just can only hope and pray that my girl continues to see through the murkiness of her mother’s manipulation.

Angry day

I have so much anger right now. It's stressing me out. I know it's not good for me or this little one when I am stressed.

I am angry because Gollum needed us to pick up my girl from the bus today (not a problem) but we first found out about this via a text last night at 10:30pm. I was already passed out or I would've answered her, and Big Papa doesn't usually check his phone after a certain time at night.

So we get the same text again at 7:45AM this morning. Big Papa texts back that yes, we will pick her up today. Ok, fine, not a problem. We had little issue with her pestering us because we understood that she needed an answer to be able to go into work this morning. Although I find it hard to believe that she JUST found out she needed to work so late last night. But moving on...

But in the next few hours, Big Papa gets a few more texts about certain details pertaining to giving her a snack after school, before we take her to CFF (extra curricular Catholic class). This was after Big Papa got a phone call from Gollum's mother and Gollum within five minutes of each other.

Gollum called to confirm that we would pick my girl up today. Did the text back not suffice? Gollum's mother called to ask Big Papa to bring my girl to choir practice tomorrow afternoon. We alternate choir duties so we only bring her every other week. Between snow days and sick days, Gollum and/or her mother have not brought my girl to choir practice since the end of December while we have the whole month of January.

The reason this is pissing me off is because my girl wants to quit choir and tells us this regularly. She had a meltdown and cried last week because she didn't want to go. We made her call Gollum and tell her this. We witnessed her crying on the phone and telling her mother that she didn't want to do choir any longer. She was allowed to "skip" that day. And told us that her mother was finally going to let her stop the choir activities. The next day we get an email with the following from Gollum:

"We talked more about choir (haha) and I think she will stick it out. She was laughing and smiling whenever I asked her what about it she doesn't like. She is fine going right from school and complains about going when she has all day to think about it. Oh, and she also wants a special treat after choir:) I just like for "my girl" to know the importance of finishing any activities she starts. So, as of now, we will see how it goes. Believe me, I would like to give it up also as I have to have someone to come in early so I can run out of work to get her there on the days I take her."

Yet again, my girl is telling us that she doesn't like it, can't handle it, and then has a "talk" with her mother and BOOM, she is going to stick it out.

This is why it angers me so much today. I agree with finishing the activities started and teaching kids the importance of that. But can you honestly sign an eight year old up for 4 activities, in addition to school, and expect her to finish all of them??

So on top of going against my girl's wishes to continue doing this activity, we are doing all the leg work for something that Gollum is sneakily enforcing. I am not a happy camper.

Big News

I’ve been a bad, bad blogger. I didn’t even realize I hadn’t written in 2 months until I grabbed this moment to catch you all up on the happenings of my life. I don’t blame my few but faithful followers if you don’t read this…I know I tend to give up on a blog if it’s been a while since the last post. I admit that it has been an overwhelming 2 months while I’ve been absent. Many big changes that are good but overwhelming nonetheless.

First and foremost of these new developments, I found out that I am expecting! I found out in early November and didn’t blog it at first because I was so petrified that something was going to happen. I can’t explain why I felt this way, but my fear was paralyzing. Thankfully, I am now 5 months along and everything is fine. We just found out that it’s a boy (!) this past week! I couldn’t even work after I got home from my appointment because I was so excited about this little man that we will welcome into the world in about 20 weeks.

Of course, there is so much excitement but the reality of the enormous responsibility is resting heavily on me these days. I finally sat down and made a list of all the things that need to happen before he is born and I know I am forgetting many things. I still need to register somewhere and get his room ready, FIND a NAME that a little boy will be proud of and try to pretend like everyone’s opinions about that name don’t matter.

In addition to this new little one, my company moved our office location about 20 miles from where it was located for the last few decades. Which means my office is now 50 miles from my house…does not make for a fun commute. Thankfully, I was granted a few work from homes days that are truly a blessing. Working in my pajamas for the better part of the day? Don’t mind if I do. That was a big help in those first trimester weeks where I could barely pry my eyes open most days.

To top off the big move, my company is now blocking blogger so I can’t even sneak a few minutes at lunch to post and comment. It’s so frustrating to me that they are most likely doing this because many people at the office think it’s fine to browse facebook during all hours at the office. I like checking out a good picture album as much as anybody else but you gotta save it for outside the office.

I’ll get into how my girl and Gollum reacted to the big baby news in a future post but for now, I just want to catch up with you all. I need to go and read all of your blogs, I have missed my fellow stepmoms!

The Talk

The talk went as best as it could. It literally lasted for 5 minutes as she rushed out of our driveway after dropping my girl off to us for the weekend. Big Poppa came in and quickly gave me the thumb’s up sign as we greeted my girl and asked about her day. Five minutes later, he gets a phone call. It’s Gollum. Big Papa is saying a lot of “ok, right, uh huh.” He hangs up and makes a face. We go into the kitchen to talk and he tells me that when they spoke outside, Gollum agreed that we could keep my girl until 6PM on our weekends but she already has plans this Sunday and she’ll be picking my girl up at the normal time. Big Papa then says she called to tell him that it was her idea for my girl to stay later with us.

She literally called and said, “yeah, this was my idea because I told my girl she could stay at your house for some extra time on Sundays.” At first, I thought that she was pushing this as “her idea” because she wanted us to think she was being generous. That is part of it, I think, but most of all, she wanted us to know that we are getting this “extra” time because GOLLUM says that it is what SHE wants, not us. It didn’t matter that my girl wanted more time with us or that we were missing time with her because of the activities that Gollum planned for us….we were getting the extra time on Sundays because Gollum thought of it. Controlled it, allowed it.

I had to laugh when I realized her motive there. I’m sure sub-consciously (or consciously) she was letting us know that everything is still under her control. Big Papa mentioned that she said something to that effect in the driveway about it being “her idea” and he found it almost laughable that she felt the need to call 5 minutes later and drill home the fact that she thought of it.

You remember that my girl had told me that because we have so little time with her on our Tuesday’s that Gollum told her that she would be allowed to stay up later at our house on those nights? At that same time, my girl had also informed me that Gollum told her that she would be a allowed to stay at our house A WHOLE EXTRA HOUR on our Sunday’s. In the weeks that followed that conversation, Gollum never mentioned to us, the co-parents, that my girl would be allowed to stay at our house for another hour. Makes me think that this was said to appease my girl in that moment since we never heard about it until Big Papa had this talk with Gollum.

All in all, I have to say that I am so thankful for our extra time with my girl. Since then, we have also gotten an email about another Sunday that Gollum needs to have my girl early. And so it begins. The pull for more time at her mother’s house, the most important house. I can hardly wait for the holidays, can you?

Phone Calls & other news

Big Papa decided to rock the boat. After receiving advice from my bloggy friend, DragonFly Mama, and with the encouragement from both my mom and my sister, he made the call to Gollum. This call was also made due to Big Papa’s conversation with my girl. They went fishing together and he was asking her about all her activities and how she liked them. She told him that she no longer liked the choir she had joined. Now this choir is a pretty big deal – she was recommended by her music teacher at school, she auditioned and was accepted. They do concerts galore around Christmas and the spring break and even do some traveling.

My girl told Big Papa that she just needed “a one day break.” When a seven year old talks like this, I think it’s important to listen. She told us both that she wanted to quit but “mommy told me once I start something I have to finish it.” Which I agree with to a point… I am all for finishing what you start but you don’t sign a kid up for 4 major activities in addition to school and maintain that motto when the kid is telling you she is overwhelmed.

So Big Papa called. He spoke with Gollum calmly and told her what my girl had told him. He mentioned to her how concerned we were that this could be taking a toll on her and though she does have a lot of energy, it doesn’t mean that every minute needs to be planned. He mentioned that my girl felt like she needed a day off and wasn’t particularly enjoying choir. She came back and said that she would talk to my girl to see how she felt. So basically the final say and decision is still up to Gollum. I can only hope that Big Papa’s call will help her realize the pressure she is putting on my girl with all of these activities. I am proud of him; proud that he stepped up and is acting as a voice for my girl.

In other related news….Big Papa and I have had a lot of discussions around asking Gollum for more time with my girl since she has scheduled our Tuesday nights and Saturdays away. We normally drop my girl off to Gollum at 12Noon on Sundays on our weekends. Big Papa and I have been discussing the possibility of asking Gollum if we can keep my girl until dinner time on Sunday’s. I don’t think this request is unreasonable as most people who share custody each get a “full” weekend which includes the full day on Sunday. Big Papa is adamant that he does not want this to go to court so here’s hoping that Gollum agrees to this extra time.

We don’t want to pull the court card and remind her that, legally, we do not have to take my girl to the activities that Gollum schedules on our time. Big Papa plans to speak to her today, in person, when she drops my girl off for our weekend. Wish us luck…..

Activities Galore

For the past 3 years, my girl has, like most kids her age, participated in 2 activities beyond the school day. She does gymnastics throughout the school year and has a break during the summer. Soccer is in the spring or fall. She has always loved gymnastics since she has one of her good friends in class with her. She’s not a huge fan of soccer and finally got through to Gollum this year with how much she disliked it. Big Papa played soccer in high school and enjoyed helping out the coaches on her team so I always wondered if Gollum chose soccer to appease him in some way. We never have any say or decision in the activities she does….we just come out and support my girl as much as we possibly can.

This year, for second grade, she has continued with her catholic after-school education (I’m not Catholic so I’m only slightly familiar with the terms…I believe the class is called CFF). That class is on Tuesday afternoons from 4:30 – 5:30. Since Tuesday is our night, I pick her up from the class on my way home from work.
My girl was already requesting more time with us because she didn’t get the whole afternoon to see us when she began this class in her first grade year. We were told by Gollum that she was taking this class on our night….not asked, told. Now Gollum has signed her up for swimming which is 3 nights a week practice plus Saturday’s for meets. She also signed her up for Choir which is Wednesday afternoons and a few Saturday’s in December and the Spring for concerts. Keep in mind that she also maintains gymnastics on Saturday mornings. I am tired just writing all that.

Swimming is Monday, Tuesday and Thursday night. So she literally is busy every single day of the week except Fridays. Oh, she has Sundays “off” too, can’t forget that. Normally she has to do choir and CFF homework on Sunday’s.

Big Papa and I are really concerned that this schedule is taking a toll on her. I know Tuesday nights take a bit of a toll on me already. The first night was awful. She wouldn’t go to bed because Gollum had told her that she could go to bed at 9:30. As nicely as we could, we reminded my girl that “Mommy doesn’t make the rules in our house and you are going to bed at 9.” Cue meltdown.

It’s gotten better but it is still tough because we want to spend time with her and not have to rush from place to place every time she’s with us. She and I get home at about 6:10 from work/CFF. We need to leave at 6:30 to get to swimming on time. Which leaves 20 minutes to get her fed, changed into her suit, gather up her towel and shampoo, etc and do 2 pages of homework with a stubborn 7 year old.

After swimming which is 7-8, I rush her into the showers and put on pajamas at the school. We get home about 8:40 and we give her 20 minutes to get a quick snack, brush her teeth, and play with the dogs. We don’t have time for anything else since her normal bedtime is 8 so 9 is pushing it. The only hope I have is that this swim season lasts until the end of January.

In the meantime, not only is it too much for her, we only have the time in the car to and from swimming to really spend with her so that makes our 2 weekends a month that much more packed. Gollum offered up one extra hour on our Sundays (we normally have her Fridays at 4:30 to Sundays at 12). Whoop-de-do. The weird thing was that Gollum told this to my girl and not us. From the sounds of it, she did this to appease my girl since she was sobbing when she found out swimming was Tuesdays nights and would give her even less time with us. And Gollum didn’t tell us this….her sister did. God forbid Gollum give up some of “her time” to make my girl happy.

Now Big Papa seems reluctant to fight for extra time every time we talk about it. My mom made a good point that Gollum cannot legally schedule any activities on our time and if she does, we don’t have to let my girl participate. Ugh, seems like an uphill battle any way you slice it. My fear is, if we don’t fight for more time with her and try to leave everything “civil and nice” with Gollum and let her walk all over us, that my girl will someday ask us why we didn’t fight to see her more. And we’ll have to tell her that it’s because of her overbearing, controlling mother. That and Big Papa’s fear of rocking the boat.

First Day of School

I realized, in my absence, how much I depend on my stepmom bloggy friends already. I have felt lost these past few weeks and it wasn’t a good feeling. As I mentioned in my previous post, the month of September just killed me with the start of school and all of my girl’s activities and just work in general for me. On top of all that, Big Papa and I decided that I would stop taking birth control and we would not actively try to get pregnant but see what happens….Yikes! Exciting and stressful and overwhelming all at the same time.

My girl’s first day of school is always a momentous occasion. We joke that she has the biggest fan club wherever she goes, whatever sport or activity she does because she has 3 sets of families - grandparents and aunts and uncles plus the parents. And everyone wants to be involved and capture all these exciting events on camera.
This first day of second grade we had the 2 biological grandmas, Big Papa and I, 2 dogs and Gollum to see her off on the bus. The bus stop is literally on the corner of Gollum’s property so we all gathered out front and chatted until the bus came. At one point Gollum went in and hauled Bilbo out to say hello to everyone. It was different than past years when he would’ve been outside from the beginning. Hmmm…..

The morning went smoothly and we took pictures galore and waved as she pulled away to start her adventure in second grade. I always shed a few tears on the first day…always hard for me to believe she is growing up so quickly.
At the end of the day I went to pick up my girl from the bus stop. Big Papa had to work but it was our night with her so I drove to Gollum’s house a few minutes early, thinking that one of the grandma’s would also be there. Surprise. It’s just ME and GOLLUM. FOR 10 MINUTES. While we wait for her bus. We each had a dog and her puppy was jumping on me because mine had somehow climbed onto my shoulder in terror of the situation.

My girl gets off the bus and is excited to see the 4 of us but then another girl got off with her. She had missed her stop. Gollum knew her mother so she called and offered to keep the girl at her house until the mother arrived. Gollum was headed to her job as a waitress so I offered to stay with the kids outside until the mother came.

But no such luck….

I waited in Gollum’s house, while holding my dog, for a good half hour until this other mom showed up. I don’t think I moved from my spot by the door in her living room. Meanwhile, her dog is scratching my legs trying to get to my dog. We both said something occasionally to each other but mostly talked to the kids.
FINALLY the other mom shows up and thanks Gollum up and down for staying with her kid. Horrors of all horrors, this mom comes in (I have met her at church on one occasion while I had my girl with me) and she can’t remember how she knows me so she says to Gollum,

“Who’s this? Is this your SISTER?”

My mouth literally fell open and I could not make words come out. Thankfully, Gollum stepped in and said, “This is my girl’s stepmom, Big Mama.” I would’ve thanked her but my mouth was still hanging wide open. Is it enough to say that we look nothing alike? I don't know what else to say besides that.

After we finally got to leave, I took my girl for some ice cream and a visit my in-laws. I was still traumatized from spending so much time in Gollumville but held it together to be excited for my girl on her first day of school.

Now let me say that I’m thankful we are civil enough with Gollum where we can share in the excitement of the actual first day of school. I know a lot of stepmoms and dads don’t get to do this. I’ll never forget my girl’s first day of kindergarten, her first year riding the bus - it was on a Wednesday and a morning where she should’ve been with us. Gollum pulled a fast one and said that she had asked us “a while ago” if my girl could have her first day of school at her house. I guess she felt bad after the fact because she invited us in for coffee and donuts that morning. Thanks but no thanks, sweetie.

Did anyone else experience a first day of school like this??

Absentee

Wow...I am such a deliquent blogger...I am so sorry!I have actually really missed blogging, hearing words of wisdom and advice from all my fellow bloggers. I've also missed catching up on all of your blogs so expect to hear from me soon.

We had a TON going on in the month of September with the beginning of the school year and second grade. It seems that we started the routine back up this month and this didn't allow for much down time, unfortunately.

My car was broken into which was absolutely horrifc. We live in the suburbs in a safe, family friendly development so it had to be some kids looking for a phone or an iPod. I do need to mention that I am an idiot and left my car unlocked for the FIRST time in approximately 2 or 3 years. Literally. I grew up in the inner city...you automatically lock everything, everywhere you go. They took my company laptop, my make-up bag and my day planner which has my LIFE in it. Thank God they dumped everything in someone's yard down the street from us. I guess they realized they couldn't break into the laptop and everything else was of little value to anyone but me!!! I just felt so violated after that happened. It was a scary feeling.

All in all, it's been a crazy month but I have much to talk about with you ladies so I will be back soon...stay tuned and please forgive me for being MIA!

The term “Love Child” and other things that make me feel sick to my stomach

According to www.dictionary.com, a “love child” is defined as follows:

love child

— n
euphemistic an illegitimate child; bastard

My girl decided that Saturday night was a good a time as any to tell me that she was a “love child.” I was making applesauce and baby food in my kitchen with a good friend. We had spent the day talking and peeling and cutting and watching the kids swim. It was a great day until her 4 year old son had explosive diarrhea in my backyard and one of my dogs sniffed a little too close to it. I loved helping my friend, but I was at the end of my proverbial rope and needed a shower, a diet coke and my bed when my girl informs me of this “fact.”

I tried to conceal the stunned look on my face and told myself to breathe in and out. She started leaving the room and I gathered my wits and said:

“Wait a sec, where did you even hear that word”?

“Whatever. Forget it!”

“Oh no ya don’t, come here for a sec and tell me about what you were just saying.”

She said, in a small, small voice, ”but I don’t want to hurt your feelings.”

I told her that it wouldn’t hurt my feelings; that I just needed to know where she heard that word and why she thought it was applicable to her.

She had read it on the internet. Now I am really freaking out, thinking, what website was she ON at Gollum’s house?!?! But I calmly said to her, “well, we can talk more later but that’s not exactly what this situation is….” And I just sucked in my breath and bent down to put my arms around her and said, “my girl, both of your parents, ALL of your parents love you very much.

She said, ”I know but I don’t want you to be sad.” I said, “you being here could never make me sad. I can’t imagine my life without you and you are the biggest part of my life and I love you very much.”

With that, she smiled and went back to playing with her friends. I went back to cutting apples and had to take more than a few deep breaths. My friend, who grew up with 2 different stepmoms, thought that she thought I handled it well.

Later Big Papa told me he also heard what my girl had said to me. It was such a relief that he heard it, because usually my girl says such things to me when we are alone, just the two of us and when I relay it to Big Papa, he doesn’t want to believe it and sometimes suggests that I blow things out of proportion or assume to much about the things that she says.

I put my girl to bed and almost chickened out by not talking about it anymore. But I had promised earlier so I got up the courage and she said she didn’t want to talk about it because she didn’t want to break my heart. She said that so quietly and with so many pauses, I almost didn’t hear what she said.

I told her that she’s not breaking my heart because I love her very much and I know that Big Papa loves me more than anything and that he loves both of us very much. She admitted to me that Gollum had looked the word up on the internet, showed it to her and told her that she was a “love child.” It was almost a relief to hear that my girl wasn’t out surfing the internet and found this word and jumped to that conclusion herself.

But I was beyond livid that Gollum would say something like that to a SEVEN YEAR OLD. Let’s not skip over the fact that my girl was a complete and utter surprise to Big Papa. Of course, we can’t imagine our lives without her and love her to death and would never, ever say this to my girl but here’s the true story: Gollum’s birth control mysteriously didn’t work one day so this was not a love child situation where two parents create a child because they love each other sooo much and don’t care if they are married or not.

I know in my heart that this was how it was explained to my girl. Why else would she be so worried about hurting MY feelings? If it was explained to her as the definition above, that she is simply a child born out of wedlock, why was she so concerned about breaking my heart?

Big Papa literally did not know what hit him when he was told about Gollum’s pregnancy. I am told they were never happy together and broke up from week to week. All of Big Papa’s friends and family and Big Papa himself believe that this was pregnancy was planned by Gollum in a move to try to keep Big Papa and get him to marry her. I can’t say for certain; that’s between her and God.

When I went back in to shower and lay down and take deep breathes to calm my shaking hands, I explained to Big Papa what my girl had just told me. He is so incredibly pissed and hurt and beyond angry that he had planned to call Gollum this week to talk to her about this. His plan is to try to prevent her from saying these things to my girl and plans to tell her that she shouldn’t even tell my girl that he talked to Gollum about this topic. We are concerned that Gollum will go back to my girl and reprimand her for telling us and we don’t want to jeopardize my girl’s trust.

I don’t know if a phone call to Gollum will help anything. She is a liar (among other things) and probably won’t admit to explaining this euphemism to my girl and putting her in that category. It’s just so incredibly frustrating because I believe that these types of things are being said and done to underhandedly hurt Big Papa and I (much, much more on this topic in future posts). But she (unintentionally?) hurts my girl in the process. I want to protect her from these crazy rants and lies but don’t know how and I just feel so helpless….

The Tooth Fairy

I’m sure most kids believe in the tooth fairy until they are about 11 or 12, right? I think I believed it for all of 5 years and then asked my mom and she told me the truth. Thanks Mom. I’m sure I was freaked out thinking of some unknown fairy lady coming into my room in the middle of the night.

My girl lost a tooth this past Friday. She has lost about 6 already; all very exciting events. She has only lost one tooth at our house and I was so excited when she did so we could play tooth fairy and we got to see the excitement on her little face. It was the coolest thing and one of the fun parenting moments.

My girl gets dropped off by Gollum at our house on Friday and shows me a ziploc baggie with her tooth. She was happy about it but Gollum explained the dentist said this tooth was not supposed to come out just yet because of her age. Usually, this particular tooth comes out when a child is 9 or 10. Gollum mentioned laughingly that my girl thought the tooth fairy would bring $10 because of the size of the tooth and the fact that it shouldn’t have come out yet.

But then she said that maybe the tooth fairy will bring $5 because $10 seemed like a lot. Big Papa, having got done work early that day, had been napping on the couch when they arrived. My girl climbed up into his lap on the couch after saying hello to me. Big Papa made no effort whatsoever to speak with Gollum or acknowledge her in any way. Usually he will say hello but I guess he didn’t feel the need since I was there?? I jokingly mentioned it and he smirked, and chalked it up to being tired.

As she was saying goodbye to my girl and leaving, Gollum said to her, “make sure you call me tomorrow and tell me how you did with the tooth fairy!” Cue discreet eye roll from Big Papa to Big Mama.

For some reason we decided to give my girl $10 for that darn tooth. We both forgot as we drifted off to sleep and then I woke with a start and said “tooth fairy!” Big Papa groaned and asked me to get up to put the money under her pillow. We were cracking up thinking of what horrible parents we would be if we had indeed fallen asleep and forgotten to put the money under her pillow! I think we were both so tired and delusional that we thought $10 would be a good idea. In hindsight, no kid should ever get $10 for a tooth! I mean, I think I used to get $1 and that was a HUGE deal! Hopefully we can back track a little but we are on a slippery slope here.

My girl was excited to see the $10 but paraded around saying, “I told you. I told you she would bring $10!” which, by the way, totally made us both regret even more that we gave her the $10. We then went about our day. We had a lot planned with brunch with my family for my dad’s birthday and a shopping trip with my sisters for some fall wardrobe items for my girl.

I thought about being proactive and suggesting that my girl call Gollum about the tooth fairy visit. Honestly, as we went about our morning and early afternoon, I had forgotten about the demand. As I have mentioned in an earlier post, Gollum frequently asks my girl to call her and my girl usually doesn’t because she is just a kid and doesn’t remember such things.

Ten minutes into our shopping trip, I got a call from Big Papa. He tells me that Gollum had texted his phone asking that my girl call her to let her know how she did with the tooth fairy. He knew I was annoyed but we didn’t discuss it since my girl was with me.

After we left the first store, about a half hour later, I had her call Gollum. She tells Gollum how much money the tooth fairy brought and talked about it for a minute. Then Gollum proceeds to tell her that she was going to the beach that day and that Bilbo (Golllum’s boyfriend) and his son would possibly be there with the rest of her family. I could only tell this by my girl’s responses. My girl became a little whiny at this point saying “no fair! Everyone else is going!?” Gollum then said something to the effect that we should take her swimming in our pool. We were out shopping the whole day so that wouldn’t be happening.

All in all, the phone call was about 5 minutes long and left me pissed off. Apparently my girl didn’t think about it anymore because we had a great day shopping with my sisters and visiting family.

I spoke to Big Papa about it later and explained my point of view. I was annoyed that Gollum had, once again, inserted herself into my girl’s life with us, our time with her. I get that she wants to be a part of my girl’s life but the tooth fairy tale can wait until Sunday when she would see her next. I just feel like we have such limited time with my girl as it is, and Gollum tries to impose on that time whenever she can grasp on to an excuse to do so.

And on top of her shoving herself into our family life and limited time together, she is making sure my girl knows what she is missing in the other house. I know it happens a lot with birthmother’s and their jealousy but I am so angry that she would do this, especially when we are doing her a favor by having my girl call her. It’s just so immature and shows how insecure she is. How do we put a stop to this without jeopardizing the civil and polite relationship we have with Gollum now? I know I was hurt by this but my girl, though she didn’t say anything to me directly, was certainly hurt.

It truly amazes me what lows these birthmoms will stoop to; it amazes me how they don’t stop and think how much they are hurting their own child in the process.

Messing with her Childhood

I am writing this post based on a conversation I recently had with my girl and some of the things that I have been told by other adults in the past few months. I know I should probably write about my and Big Papa’s history first but that story is many posts long and this is on my mind now. I need to ask opinions and advice from my fellow stepmamas.

Gollum was/(is?) engaged to Bilbo. They got engaged 6 months after Big Papa proposed to me. They bought a house together about 2 months after the became engaged.

Gollum no longer wears her engagement ring and hasn’t for a few months now.
Bilbo has an eleven year old son, who stays at their house every other weekend and for a few weeks in the summer.

Gollum’s would-be in-laws live across the street from us. This, as I am told by Bilbo, is how Bilbo and Gollum became “close.” Gollum lived with Big Papa for a few months while she was pregnant and first had my girl. Bilbo was recently divorced and living with his parents. Bilbo told me himself that he noticed she was living across the street and he pursued her while she was living with Big Papa and had just had a child with him. To this day, my father-in-law will not forgive Gollum for taking my girl out of his arms and giving her to Bilbo, whom Gollum described as “a friend.” My FIL was so hurt because she flirted with Bilbo, in front of both families, while denying any kind of romantic relationship with him.

The cheating is not proven fact but it seems to be a common thought among Big Papa, his family and his friends. I cannot say for certain if Gollum was cheating on Big Papa, whether physically or emotionally or both. Big Papa was done with Gollum long before this but was trying to make it work, for my girl’s sake. He sensed that Gollum had developed a relationship with Bilbo and told her, in one of their many fights, that she should move out of his house (her name was never on the mortgage or deed and she never paid any bills in the house) if she wanted a relationship with Bilbo. She denied this relationship but moved out with her belongings a few days later.

They have been together since. And I don’t think happily. Last fall, Gollum was at my in-laws house for Halloween and had brought over my girl so we could see her costume. She seemed extra standoffish that day and I thought her eyes were red from crying but couldn’t be sure. My MIL later told me that Gollum was crying at her house saying, “Bilbo is a jerk.” My in-laws took pity on her and listened to her problems and throughout the conversation my MIL kept trying to interject that my girl should go to another room while they discussed the topic of Gollum and Bilbo’s relationship. Gollum told her no, that my girl knew “all about it.” My girl was 6½ at this time. This concerned all of us but we didn’t know quite what to do about it at that point.

Fast forward to last week. My girl and I are driving home from a friend’s house and she is telling me how she is not sure if Gollum and Bilbo are getting married still. Keep in mind that she brought up this topic on her own. I would never ask because I don’t want my girl to feel uncomfortable or feel like I am giving her the third degree like Gollum so often does.

My girl brings up that Bilbo’s son is mean to her and is super clean. Oddly, my girlfriend, who knows Gollum just as an acquaintance, had just mentioned to me earlier that day that Bilbo was a clean freak and Gollum is more “laid back” about cleanliness around their house and that this obsession had led to a few of their break-ups or fights. Apparently Bilbo’s son is also a clean freak and doesn’t let my girl in his room. He locks it when he is not in there. My girl tells me she got a spot of cheese on a game one time and he refused to continue playing.

She has repeatedly told me that Gollum and Bilbo fight a lot. When she was younger she told me, “I just wish they would stop all the racket. It’s too loud. Mommy yells at Bilbo but he speaks in a soft voice.” On this particular occasion, she slipped and said, “we fight a lot. I mean, mom fights a lot with Bilbo.” I have noticed she does this often; identifying ‘we’ as her and her mother only and saying a shirt or piece of clothing is “mom’s”, not from mom’s house.

Anyway, she proceeded to tell me was that Gollum was planning on breaking up with Bilbo and that they would live with Gollum’s mother until they (Gollum and my girl) could find a house they could afford. The saddest thing and most disturbing thing said was that Gollum was breaking up with Bilbo because Bilbo’s son is mean to my girl.

The fact that any mother would let her daughter believe that she is the direct or indirect reason for her break-up from her fiancé/boyfriend, when they clearly have issues with each other and their relationship, is astounding to me. I realized that Gollum is trying to create this co-dependent relationship between her and my girl where they only have each other to depend on and they discuss things (major life changes) that Gollum hasn’t even discussed with her significant other.

I don’t know if this is being done consciously or not. I think that Gollum wants my girl to feel like she can’t leave her mother because she’s all that she has or because Gollum needs her for emotional support. Gollum is almost trying to be a girlfriend to my girl. I don’t get it. It really has shaken me to my core that someone would do such a thing to a child. My girl, of course, doesn’t realize what is happening but how much pain will this cause her when she is older? Will it cause her any? I can only go off of my own personal feelings of how I would feel, if in the same situation. I can’t imagine the pain and guilt of being made to believe that she was the reason behind her mother’s break-up. The poor kid has already been made to be more mature than most kids her age, due to the blended family situation where she is shuttled back and forth between two sets of parents homes and 2 sets of grandparents homes on a regular basis.

Maybe Gollum wants my girl to believe that she sacrificed sooo much for her. I’m sure she has sacrificed many things, as all parents do. But I think that this is crossing the line. Am I the only one who sees it like this?

Laughter

Big Papa makes me laugh continuously and I am so thankful for him. I/We need to be able to laugh at life and the twists and turns it brings. My mom always tells me, "Choose to be happy. Every day you need to make a conscious decision to be happy in life." My late grandma, an amazingly insightful woman, always told me to "be happy and healthy." I hold this advice closely to my heart and try to remember these words of wisdom in the tough times especially.

It's easy for me to get sucked into the vortex that is largely composed of the negative aspects of our blended family/ex-girlfriend/crazy mother-in-law situation. Big Papa often helps me to put things into perspective and makes me laugh along the way. Here is a conversation we had this weekend while eating dinner in our living room, on our coffee table. Big Papa noticed I had a stack of books on the table that I am currently reading; some for fun, others for blended family advice.

Big Papa: What's that one book called? Joint Custody with a Jerk? WHAT? So now you think I'm a Jerk??

Big Mama: Whaaaa? I don't have joint custody with you, you big dope. WE have joint custody with Gollum who, we've already established, is a big jerk.

Big Papa: OH. Right. Makes sense.

And then he proceeds to smirk throughout the rest of our meal. I don't know what was funnier to him - the fact that I am reading a book with a name like that or that he thought I was reading it because I thought he was a jerk!

Good times...good times....

Vacation?

What a week it was. Between the air conditioning breaking, the tired meltdowns, my father’s appearance at the house and a threadbare, buggy mattress, it was quite the week. I honestly can say that I needed a vacation from my vacation. And this past week did not provide that whatsoever. After finally getting caught up on laundry a week later, I am still dealing with issues at my job which happened will I was out. Needless to say, I am one stressed out stepmomma!

I have so much to write about that I honestly don’t know where to begin. If this post is a little all over the place, I apologize! The vacation had some good points. We did have the beach to relax on, I was able to read a few chapters of my book, and we had the luxury and privilege of being able to sleep in a bit and not go to work every day. The vacation was with my immediate family – my mother, father, 4 siblings, in addition to me, Big Papa, my girl. It’s nice to go away with my family because my girl loves them to pieces and has so much fun with all her aunts, uncles and grandparents that it also provides Big Papa and I with some extra time to relax that we wouldn’t have gotten if we went away with just the three of us. I am so thankful for my family.

With that being said, I do have a rocky relationship with my dad and so does every single person in my family. It was tough to have him there but it would have been tougher to tell him that we did not want him there. It was so hard to have to deal with him and watch my mom deal with him. All the while, we were already dealing with (3 different) maintenance people for the HVAC system in the home we rented, along with the cleaning people showing up on our doorstep at 10:30PM to argue with us because we called the home owner when I found a dead bug in the corner of my mattress. Sadly, my sister couldn’t handle it all and left with my brother (who had planned to leave because of work) halfway through the week.

It just seemed as though not many things went right that week. But as I said, we were still able to find some positive aspects and I know my girl thoroughly enjoyed herself. I had her call Gollum three times while we were there. Saturday, the day we arrived, as Gollum specifically requested that my girl call her, to let her know that she got there safely. I later found out that Gollum, on that first phone call, requested that my girl call a few other members of her family to let them know that we had gotten there safely. My girl never called and never told me that she was asked to call them so it ended up being a non-issue. It still strikes me as odd that this request was made when Gollum could’ve done the calling herself.

Here’s another ingredient to add to the mix: Big Papa’s business is big in the summer. It’s when most of our money is made to carry us through the entire year. We used to take my girl on vacation in late September so we could spend the entire week together. When Gollum told us what week we should go on vacation the year my girl started kindergarten, we had to put an end to our September trip. We did not take the week Gollum specified we should and didn’t get to take a vacation week at all that year.

Last year, before my girl started first grade, we did a week with my family as we did this year. It worked out well with one catch. Big Papa could only stay half the week. He is the owner of his business and didn’t have anyone else he could rely on to keep the business running smoothly for the whole week. So my girl stayed with me and my family.

When we made this plan last year and again for this year, it wasn’t even a second though for us that my girl would stay and get to have a full week’s vacation. Another stepmom friend of mine thought I was crazy to “put up” with this arrangement and for caring for my girl without Big Papa nearby. I’m absolutely certain that Gollum HATED this arrangement but didn’t want to seem like the bad guy yet again by making a big stink about it.

Last year it happened last minute that Big Papa had to leave and didn’t feel it was necessary to notify Gollum that he was leaving. Some of you stepmoms out there might think that this was a bad idea not to notify her. I felt that we should let her know in some way, but Big Papa has a more laid back attitude and just wanted my girl to have a good time and didn’t want to cut her week of vacation short. He didn’t see a problem with my girl staying with me and my family because we are so close knit that we are HER family and there’s no distinction made there at all. I feel like I am trying to explain the course of action we took last year, of lack thereof, because looking back, perhaps we should’ve notified Gollum. We didn’t feel the need to then so I don’t know why I feel the need to explain myself now. Of course, Gollum found a way to let us all know that she knew that he wasn’t there for half the week but I was thankful that she let it be at that.

This year I did insist that, in the email where we notified Gollum of our vacation week with my girl, we let her know that Big Papa would be there for half the week. I felt better about this approach and this is why I had my girl call Gollum this week so Gollum wouldn’t go through calling Big Papa’s phone and then having to call my phone if Big Papa wasn’t there with us. I also think that Gollum likes to think that my girl asked to call on her own. I’m sure she would be disappointed if she knew that it was me telling my girl that she should go and call her mom a few times and handing her the phone with the number already dialed.

I guess I figure that Gollum is going to call and interrupt our vacation time anyway, why not let it be on my terms and keep the peace in the meantime. I did hear my girl answering questions from Gollum about where Big Papa was and telling her that he left on such and such a day. I also heard the same answers to similar questions when I had my girl call her grandmother (Gollum’s mother who was worrying that we wouldn’t watch her in the ocean). Gollum kept my girl on the phone for 12 minutes on Thursday – my girl first spoke with Gollum then she also spoke to her stepdad and his son. Then she spoke to Gollum again. Most of the conversation had to do with their new dog, which I’ll get into on a separate post very soon. I don’t know why the length of the call bothered me a bit. Perhaps because when Big Papa and I call, we can’t talk for longer than 5 minutes with all the noise in the background.

It was interesting to me that while my girl was on the phone with her mother, my own mother turned to me and said, “this is just so weird. I forget that she has another family when she’s with us because you are such a great mom to her.” It means a lot to me that my family has accepted my girl and our situation so unconditionally, and with open arms, and sometimes I do forget about Gollum and her hatred for me but then I snap back to reality. My reality is that although it was a tough week for me, my girl had a great time at the beach, the shops, and the dolphin cruise while getting hugs and kisses and lots of love from her extended family. And I am officially exhausted.

More Vacation Time

Tomorrow we’re off to a beach location on the gorgeous east coast. My stomach is in knots and I have butterflies because I literally have so much more to do at home and work to prepare for this trip. Yet I am blogging; hoping this will calm me down. So much has happened lately. I will take the time to sit and blog when I return next weekend. Between animals and earrings, I don’t know where to begin. I posted the beginning part of the earring situation on a discussion board on Stepchicks and I was so encouraged at the responses telling me I did the right thing. The advice and support I received just warmed by heart.


Part of the reason for the butterflies is also the anticipation of calls and instruction and such that we will receive when going away for the week with my girl. I already was asked by my girl’s maternal grandmother, “You watch her when she’s in the ocean, right? I mean really watch her because she goes out all the way to her neck and you know….”

I think I sputtered out an answer about how there will be about 6 adults in addition to Big Papa and I, so yes, we’ll be watching her when she’s in the ocean. I know the woman is a worrier but good gracious.

I’m taking a half day to go work out and try to get the car packed up. If I don’t have a panic attack first. This week will definitely be worth it though. Hope the bloggy world doesn’t miss me too much :)

Vacation Time & Interruptions

My girl went on vacation this week with Gollum. We were told they were going to the beach, one about an hour from our house. At the beginning of the summer we were told that Gollum didn’t have any vacations planned for this year, but, of course, she is allowed to change her mind on this topic.

Gollum took her 2 weeks with my girl last year to various shore points near us and, from the sounds of it, my girl enjoyed her time there. We took a vacation last year to a different beach, more than a few hours away and my girl just loved it so much. We went with my whole family and it was just the most amazing week. My girl cried uncontrollably when we dropped her off to Gollum on the last day of the trip. She wanted her Aunt S-Pop and she didn’t want the week to be over. Gollum was none too pleased that my girl was crying at the prospect of ending a week with us.

This year we are again taking a trip to the previous year’s vacation spot. We sent an email letting her know and promised to work out some of the details (pick-up spots and time, etc.) once the trip got closer. A week or so later, Big Papa gets a text and then we receive an email that Gollum was taking my girl on a week’s vacation to the shore point closest to our town.

Now, it is stated in the custody agreement that each parent must give the other parent a thirty day written notice when taking my girl on any week-long vacation. When Big Papa and I were in the first year or so of dating, we decided to take my girl on a week’s vacation together, our first trip together and our first trip with my girl. Big Papa mentioned this verbally to Gollum but cut it quite close on giving the thirty day written notice (this was before I was involved in any of the communication).

We were harassed by Gollum AND by her mother to give that thirty days notice and an address of where we were staying. My girl was still quite young at this point so I could completely understand the worry of a mother sending her child on a trip without her, and one which also involved flying on a plane. This, however, does not warrant all the angry pointing to the court documents and the pressure we received. I mention all this because this year, for Gollum’s shore vacation, we received 2 weeks written notice that Gollum would be taking my girl on a trip. A trip that interrupted our weekend with the girl.

We decided to be kind and flexible and allow this without a battle, putting the past aside. We have missed my girl very much this week and before she left, she was also upset at the prospect of losing the half of the weekend with us as well as her time during the week at our home.

We decided to call my girl together last night. She answered Gollum’s cell phone and spoke for a few minutes with Big Papa. He ended up repeating almost everything he said and raised his voice a few octaves at times. When the phone was handed to me, I was so excited to speak to her and began answering her questions about our upcoming vacation and telling her about the happenings of our home and asking about her vacation that she was currently enjoying.

As I spoke, the noise level in the background became increasingly higher. I heard several people yelling and laughing. My girl repeatedly had to ask me what I said as she couldn’t hear with all the commotion in the background. I could barely hear her so I knew she was having a harder time hearing me. Through all of this, I could hear Gollum’s voice almost as clear as my girl’s, so I gathered that she was right next to her throughout our entire five minute phone call. Several times, my girl stopped to speak to her mother – to tell her something I had just said about our plans or to answer her mother’s questions.

Gollum calls 2-3 times while we take our week’s vacation and she asks my girl to call her as well. I think Gollum would like to speak to my girl every day but doesn’t want to seem too needy to us. She would much rather that my girl stopped what she was doing with us each day to call her. Luckily, my girl is still at the age where she forgets to do such things and doesn’t quite understand her mother’s need to be a part of and dominate every aspect of her little life.

I guess five minutes of peace and quiet was too much to ask for on this vacation. Maybe next time.

I knew it was too good to be true

Gollum and I have had a long and sordid history. One day, in future blog post(s), I will get into the history and our rocky relationship and what has led us to where we are today. It’s long and painful but it needs to be told and I think blogging about it will help me to, perhaps, understand it all better and maybe hindsight will help me, moving forward. For the present, ever since my girl recently had surgery, Gollum and I have been getting along just fine. During my girl’s recovery time, Gollum would text and call ME, as she knew I was the one caring for my girl.


Coupled with the fact that Big Papa’s business is incredibly busy this time of year and that my job is incredibly flexible, I have been doing 90% of the pick-up/drop-off’s alone. In the past, when my girl was sick, Gollum would communicate with me as, obviously, I am the one caring for the sick child. After my girl returned to her usual self, the communication with me was then cut off. I expected that after my girl recovered from her surgical procedure that communication would subsequently be cut off between Gollum and I.

Surprisingly, it didn’t for the last month or so. Until today. Golllum has been texting me when she was on her way to drop my girl off to me and also text when determining who would be taking her to a weekend birthday party, for example. She even texted me after said party to see if my girl enjoyed it (ummm, what?) and I responded kindly back and ended up emailing her a picture from the party. Nice, yes? I mentioned to my sister and my mom how thankful I was that Gollum and I were able to communicate effectively, FINALLY, after seven years.

I think that is what all stepmoms are looking for from the birth-mother’s. We want to be respected as a fellow caretaker of the child, and to be given the opportunity to communicate effectively. After all, we are all on the same side, aren’t we? We are all on the side of the child. We all want to see our child succeed and love and grow into adulthood as fine, upstanding citizens.

Back to today. Gollum called and texted Big Papa about a change in pick-up spot for my girl this afternoon. Big Papa then had to stop his work day, call me to make sure I could accommodate the change and then text Gollum back that this change was okay with me/us. Doesn’t that seem like a waste of time (for us)?

I have been doing these pick-ups on Tuesday afternoons, without deviation, for the last two and a half months. Today, suddenly, she decides that she doesn’t want to speak with me about it. I tried to think back to the last time I saw her and if I had said or done anything that she could take and twist into something awful. I couldn’t think of anything at all. Had my girl just been incessantly talking about me and our fun weekend? What could it possibly be? I am tired of trying to figure out her warped way of thinking. I had hoped that our newfound communicative relationship would withstand her mood swings and whatever it is in her head that makes her be hateful towards me.

As small as it is, I has bothered me today. However, I did owe her a response on our vacation time. So I texted Gollum the information, thanked her for being patient with my response and said,” Big Papa told me you texted him for me to pick up my girl at your mom’s today – what time?” I’m sure Gollum gave Big Papa this information but as small as it may seem, I felt the need to assert the fact that I was still the one handling the transportation and majority of the caretaking for my girl. Is that petty of me? I didn’t think so. Normally, I would’ve let this type of thing go and chalk it up to her mood swings and her crushing insecurity but I won’t let her waste our precious time any longer with these games. She did nicely text me back the time but I will be asking Big Papa to respond to any further texts and calls on pick-up/drop-off’s, that I’ll be doing, by telling Gollum to contact me directly as she has been doing for the last two months. We are all adults here. Get over it.

Sisters, Sisters. There were never more devoted sisters.

10 points for anyone who knows which movie gave me the name for this blog post :) I had a wonderful weekend hanging out with my wonderful family. I went shopping with my sister, who also happens to be my best friend, on Saturday and we got to spend a few hours away from real life, browsing the racks of Macy’s & Bloomingdales. It was absolute heaven. She is my biggest supporter through my stepmom journey. Although not a stepmom herself, she has spent countless hours listening to me vent, complain and cry and has always offered good and sound advice. 

She was the first of my family and friends to open her arms and wholeheartedly love and accept my girl. And to this day, she has the best relationship with my girl, out of all of the extended (four sets) families connected to my girl. My girl runs and jumps into her arms every single time she sees her "Aunt S-Pop." I don’t think I would’ve survived this ride without her. Spent two years of my life without her and from what I’ve heard, they weren’t so good :) Love you always; my first, my last, my everything.